Sunday, August 3, 2008

Weekend Wrap Up

This summer is really testing my deodorant. Like, to the limits. And the grossest part is...I am now kinda starting to like smelling all man gross. It totally reminds me of being on a train in Europe visiting my relatives, and everyone smells like body odor and gin...and it smells like...home. I could just sit on the couch for hours smelling my armpits.

Ahhh...good times.

Ok, lots to cover, let's dig right in ...

1. I have officially not gone to the bathroom in my house for 2 days now.

I refuse.

Two days ago, I was relaxing in the tub when I saw this huge black thing out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was a renegade army guy tub toy because those son of a bitches are everywhere, and you want to die when you accidentally step on them, but then it moved. It moved!

Upon closer inspection, I discovered it was, in fact, the biggest, fattest black spider I have ever seen, and it was covered with 500 million little baby spiders. I swear to fucking God it was the size of a fiddy cent piece!

I screamed...for like 5 minutes, as my husband was downstairs wrapped up in an epic video game battle between troll people and half naked fairy women that apparently trumps his wife possibly dying upstairs...but that's a whole other post.

So, my husband finally arrived, and on my command, began to try and kill it with my favorite pink flip flop (strike 2 mother fucker), but it didn't work! The bastard was so big he had to go get a boot, and slime went everywhere, and then the orphaned babies just scattered all over the place, and I was sobbing in the tub with one leg shaved, and my husband had to carry me out into the bedroom where I refused to move because I am now working under the assumption that my entire house is now infested with huge spiders that now hate my guts.

So now, despite him hosing the bathroom down with raid, I am convinced they are hiding under the toilet seat waiting to totally bite my ass when I sit down, so I have been driving 8 minutes to my parents to pee. It's annoying, but a necessity, since I can't just assume my husband will man up to suck the poison out of my ass should I get bit....he may be busy...wearing a headset with a mic...saving some lame magical world...while I die on the toilet with no pants on.

2. Today we went a few towns over and had breakfast at this place all the locals go on about, The Barn. It was super busy, the waitresses all wore white squeaky shoes, and the menus were sticky, so you know it was going to be the best food ever!

I ordered some outrageously huge breakfast, with, like, 4 different kinds of pork, and I settled into our booth and looked out the window, and saw...pigs. Lots and lots of pigs. And, a huge sign next to the fence that said Pork, the Other White Meat...and I realized...I was saying hello to my breakfast...literally.

So, I just had pancakes.

3. And since my poor hubby was on a roll this weekend, a quick FYI. Husbands, don't tell your wife you like her hair up in a ponytail because she has cute sideburns. Brandon Walsh had sideburns. I do not.

4. Lastly, and I so seldom get politcal on here, but sweet baby Jesus, I almost lost my pancakes this morning watching Sen. Joe Lieberman on Meet the Press. And, not just because he has some serious old man jowls, which totally gross me out btw. I wish Tim Russert was there, he would have kicked his ass.


Allison said...

If you want to get him back for the sideburns comment and dragging his ass to save you, start posting pics of him "saving some magical world with a headset and a mic." That's what I do. Works every time.

ali said...

Sometimes...I like to put my hands in my Mary Katherine Gallagher...and then put them up to my nose and smell my fingers.

kel said...

You should learn now that saving a magical world with fairies and elves will be far more important than reality. If you accept that now, you will save your marriage a lot of grief. Plus, those fairy girls are kinda hot.....

Anonymous said...

Plagiarism! Pigs, spiders... Charlotte's Web was on everyones grade school reading list, you're not fooling anyone. Have you heard Tim Russerts son just got a correspondents gig? Hope he's like his daddy.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

You are so freaking funny! I just love reading your blog!

Weith Kick said...

I like to be all natural on weekends. No deodorant, no shower, no shave. By Sunday I love the way I smell.

I always thought Joe Lieberman looked like a muppet.

Shannon said...

First off, it sounds like your hubby plays WoW?! Is that the game he was playing??

As for the spiders.....I completely feel your pain. If my parents lived only 8 minutes away, I'd be doing the same thing!!! I'm awful with spiders. The simple fact that I'm talking about them has given me the heebie-jeebies....bad. You'd freak out with some of my spider stories.

Thanks for the laugh, and reassuring me, once again, that I am not crazy, - and that other people deal with the same things!!!

Emiline said...

I'm not sure how much you post, so I kept visiting like 2 or 3 times a day since Thursday. In a non-creepy sort of way.

But anyway, I can't tell you how much I HATE spiders. I am terrified of them. With little spider babies? That would be horrible.
One time I saw 8 snakes, twisted up, rolling around in our yard. It's planted in my mind forever. My mom went outside and killed them with a rake.

Now on to the sideburn issue. I thought I had sideburns, so I cut them off, and I continued to cut them off for an additional 1-2 years. They're back now though. What do you call them? Whisps?

I tried downloading Stumbleupon, and my computer froze up and started acting screwy. So, now I don't know if I should try again or not.

AJ said...

So I went to college at MTU (way way up in the UP). The biggest fucking spiders you have ever seen live in the UP. They are called wolf spiders, and they're totally harmless, but they can get up to the size of a soft ball. A soft ball! The biggest I ever saw was golf ball size, but when that crawls out of your bathroom sink while you're brushing your teeth.... you have to change your underwear! I always used to vacuum them up, but then when I'd empty the vacuum, they'd be gone. Damn, how do spiders escape? Stupid huge MacGyver spiders.

Deb said...

I would have been thrilled to have pigs in sight while feasting on their deliciousness - but maybe that's just me. ;)

Average Girl In Average World said...

"Husbands, don't tell your wife you like her hair up in a ponytail because she has cute sideburns."


Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Aaaahhhhh! That's me screaming for you about the spider. I stepped on one like that and the babies scattered and went everywhere. Did hubby care??? Not a bit but he almost wet himself laughing at me!!! Yep, still haven't forgiven him that one!

As far as the Pork issue. I would be so happy to see my breakfast wandering around outside as opposed the mental images of factory farming! Eat that happy meat!!!

Anonymous said...

First off,

OMG THE SPIDERS!!! I. WOULD. DIE. Driving to pee at the parents is totaly understandable. Tell hubbby to get on it.

Pigs=gross. I wouldn't have been able to eat it either. I won't eat chicken off the bone for the same reason. Reminds me that it is an actual animal (or was) *shudder*

Sideburns?? I am at a loss.

I think everone misses Tim....

JenniBeanV said...

I don't blame you at all for skipping the bathroom! We had a mouse in our kitchen and I was a total wreck over it. Any time I opened a cabinet or drawer, I was sure it was going to jump out and eat my face off. I seriously considered going to live with my parents until my husband caught it!

Oh and you're right! Sticky Menus=Awesome Food!

Shelly... said...

Sister, I'm with you about the spiders. HATE those fuckers. At least now living in the desert we don't see as many as we did in the wet, damp regions of Washington! God I got goosebumps thinking about it. I don't blame you one bit for going to your parents house to pee. Hubby should call in an exterminator!

Jennifer said...

Giant mother spider + millions of baby spiders = I would never pee again either!!

J.Danger said...

How is it that I was the one in the dang wilderness with three boys, and YOU are the one with a worse bug story?!

Natalie said...

i saw the same spider thing once, but i was outside. when i killed the black widow spider the babies scattered. i was scared to walk around on that side of the pool for the whole summer.

sideburns. now that is funny! poor guy.

Rachel said...

Omg, I needed to laugh today; glad I stopped by.

And, your husband needs to get SCHOOLED! No half-naked fairy women out-rank a screaming wife. . .especially when said wife is so good with safety scissors.

Brooke said...

SPIDER!!!!! Insert high pitched girly shrill here. My boyfriend tries to claim that they're good to have around. The asshole. I have a standing order about spiders...outside, you may keep your life, but I will flick you away from me. Inside, you DIE, and you are made an example for the other spiders in the neighborhood. Stay out of Brooke's house, because Frank went in there last week and he never came back.

You should dig a hole in the yard and pee in there. Maybe your husband will get the hint and have all those renegade baby spiders (which are growing by the day) taken care of.

Brittany said...

Allison...Oh yes, that day will come.

Ali...So, I am weird for doing that then:)

Kel...Yeah, they are hot, but they can't actually rip his balls off like I can.

Threeboys...HAHAHA! So...what you are saying is...I've had the talking spider killed and I am going to literary hell!?!?!

Julie...Why tank you sweetie!

Weith...Joe DOES look like a muppet, one of the old ones who heckle from the balcony.

Shannon...Um yes...he plays WoW. WoW is the third person in our marriage.

Emiline...Dude, I try to post more...but I was a slack ass this weekend and I am totally disappointed in myself. But, yes, I call them sounds more magical. I am not sure what the deal with SU is...maybe try it again if you have time, then we can have awesome traffic numbers:)

AJ...OMG I lived with wolf spiders when I worked at a camp for a few summers...I COULD DIE! the were fucking huge!

Deb...I just felt bacon might have been someone's mommy, and then they would stampede me on my way out.

Average Girl...I know, I can't have him ladies, he's all mine.

Judy...Oh I do love my happy local meat...but I like it without seeing it snuggle up outside my window.

KD...I didn't eat chicken off the bone for the longest time, i have now made the exception for hot wings...because I am a healthy eater like that:)

Jenni...Seriously, those ma and pop greasy spoons are the best!

Shelly...What about rattlesnakes?! Do you have rattlesnakes!?!?!?!?

Jennifer...Oh yeah, aside from peeing on myself when it happened, my urine hasn't hit the toilet bowl since.

Danger...Um, that is fucked up...I should not be fighting spiders in my house.

Natalie...What is with the babies. I mean, there were thousands of them, and they went crazy!

Rachel...Oh good point darling! I should carry my scissors around with me.

Brooke...See, I abide by the same rule, except now I fear an angry spider mutiny...what if they gang up on me for revenge!?

Brittany said...

i'm ok with spiders.

Does that make me some sort of arachnafreak? I kill them for my husband, which, yes, imasculates him a little.

I am NOT ok with looking at pigs while eating pigs. Seriously, thats just unfair of the restaurant to go and do that to you. You get all excited to have a nice platter of sausage and bacon and they flaunt it's now motherless child in your face?

Bad form.

Anissa Mayhew said...

For the love of God, what is your husband thinking with the spider?? Here's a plan option. If you continue to have to drive elsewhere to pee, just take the mouthpiece to his headset and pee DIRECTLY on it every time you go. He'll eventually get the hint.

Lily said...

Oh. My. God.
My boss came to ask me what I was laughing so hard about. And why I wasn't working. Your husband sounds just like my boyfriend.

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm so glad you stopped by to visit me because it made me find YOU and you my dear are hi-larious.

I'm sure the orphaned spiders are long dead by now. Who can live that long without their mom?

I missed Tim Russert this weekend too. Why can't Tom Brokaw get them to stop interrupting each other? Tim would have had a smack down.

Shelly... said...

The only gross things I have seen here are cockroaches. And trust me there are plenty. I am happy to pay the bug guy to come out every month. I know we have snakes, and scorpions and tarantulas but thank the lord above I have never seen any! BTW I would take a cockroach ANY day over a spider!

Jo-Jo said...

Aa I life my feet off the ground a swipe at the strigs on my pants (because they have to be a spider) I must tell you (and beware because I may freak you out more) that I would have to leave my house! Those little buggers can crawl out everywhere!

Think you can ever enjoy a bath again?

Aubrey said...

Can I just tell you (if I haven't already) that I absolutely love love LOVE you (in a non-stalker, non-psychotic way of course)!

Like you and spiders, that's me with mice! I can handle the eight leggers!

Thanks for a good laugh, once again!

Aubrey said...

Oh! I forgot!
I saw Lieberman on Meet the Press too. Had to change the channel! You are SOOO right!

Raging Dad said...

Ugh, I hate spiders too. It is my wife who has to come and squish 'em for me, while I scream like a little girl.

Ah, Brandon Walsh. Are you as excited as I am about the spinoff? Maybe ol' Brando will make an appearance...

RIP Russert. Sadly missed...

texasholly said...

Holy crap girl. I am dying here...nine miles over a few itty bitty spider babies? I love you.

I have witnessed the scorpion baby explosion before and lived to tell the tale, but will have nightmares tonight just thinking about it.

OK, maybe 9 miles is a small price to pay.

Kaui Hemmings said...

Oddly enough I'd be reassured by the view of pigs as I ate my bacon. Free-range, fresh pigs! And look how happy they are!
But then I'd think of the spiders and I'd be all, "ugh. nature sucks."

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

OH shiat! I am so freaking scared of spiders that I am going to be afraid to pee at my house, just because I know you and they might strike out to hurt the people you know! AHHHHHH!

LiteralDan said...

Hey, if that was my wife, I'd be sent out to buy a lifetime supply of adult diapers. That, or just a year's worth or so along with a pamphlet from an out-of-state realtor.

LiteralDan said...

What I mean to say, of course, is that you are doing pretty well, considering the alternatives.

Tell your husband he can get some experience points for each baby spider he snuffs out.

Sandy C. said...

I'd totally be peeing at 7-Eleven (my parents are a dozen states away).

ChristiS said...

I was laughing so hard I had to read it out loud to my husband, who was laughing like mad as well! And I kept saying It isn't funny cause I'd do the same thing!! And he totally agreed! Hope that the orphans have gone away or something by now so you can pee at your own home in peace!!

flickrlovr from said...

For the love of...STOP MAKING ME LAUGH! It hurts like a mother effer everytime I do and makes me worry that my insides are going to bust out the 3 holes they sliced me open with on Thursday. Ow.

Sra said...

You sitting in the tub crying because of the evil spiders made me laugh out loud too. That would be my worst effing nightmare, so I really shouldn't laugh. But the image you painted was funny.