Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Kindred Spirits

Everyone always tells you, your life will change when you get married, you life will change when you have kids. I was the first of my friends to get married, and the first to have kids. And, um, yeah. It totally changes.

At least before kids, you can still have frequent girls nights out, but you are suddenly morphed into this Marriage Cult Jehovah's Witness, passing out pamphlets to all your single friends, urging them to join up and accept the vows of marriage into their lives.

But, it's so reassuring to wake up next to the same man everyday, and you can even get fat, plus you get wedding gifts, and you don't have to give blow jobs anymore, it's, like, the best deal ever! Jesus says so!

And, then you have kids, and you can't go anywhere anymore after having morphed into this germaphobe, paranoid freak of a woman. I mean, you could try, but nothing fits you the same, and you worry the whole time if your husband is even watching the kid or just playing video games, and your boobs start leaking when the girl puking in the club's bathroom starts sobbing about the vomit in her hair.

Honestly, your friends just don't get you anymore. And you don't get them. And, it's a sad mutual drifting away.

So here I am, alone, except for a few amazing BFF's that haven't jumped ship...but I am pretty sure it's because I still have some of their clothes and a Dishwalla CD.

But, no more crying into my Riesling...I am going to do what I should have done years ago. Assemble the most kick ass group of pseudo friends ever, who totally get me, and totally don't care if I have to cancel at the last minute because of an 11th hour ass-plosion.


1. Tori Spelling

Tori and I have been bossom buddies since high school. We have sooo many important things in common, like our dark roots, that weird dent in our cleavage, our dad's leaving us penniless (ok, my dad is still alive, but I am sure he'll leave his millions to my mom, bastard!), and like Donna, I totally waited to put out until she and David did it, except I didn't have that hot hooker white lingerie outfit, I only had a water bra and some Vistoria Secret 5 for $25 panties on...but it was still hot.

Plus, our kids are the same age, and we have the most ridiculous schemes that our husbands go along with. We are today's Lucy and Ethel...OMG we should totally pitch that!




2. Lucy Ricardo

The OG housewife. She has mad skills, and she would teach me every one of them, especially if it meant tricking out husbands into buying us things, or getting bit parts in commercials and movies. We would laugh about it for hours in chic house coats, and after two shots of vitameatavegamin, she'd be all Ethel who?





3. Lorelei Gilmore

Because every girl needs a friend who can out-quirk her. Lorelei would be the friend that I would only call if I had 3 hours to devote to non stop banter about the weather, who is sleeping with who, and how it somehow relates to plutonium, Willy Wonka, Gisele Bundchen, and other random conversation inserts only we understand and find dryly hilarious.




4. Margene Henrickson

Margene would be there to rescue me from my blasphemy on a daily basis, and remind me that just becasue I make jokes alluding to Jesus threesomes, I can still go to heaven. Plus, she is a total whore in the bedroom, and she'll tell me how on earth she manages to get it on like a puma every third night with 5 kids under 5 in her house. Then, we'd get her sister wives to babysit so we could go to the local bar and flirt like we weren't both legally...and not quite legally, married.



5. Kathy Griffin

Last, but not least, bitches. Can you even imagine the damage we would do together? We could get piss drunk, dry hump every gay in the bar, and still be home and in bed by 9pm. Plus, we could have swearing contests, and our mothers could say the rosary together.


Sweet, looks like I am set, now excuse me, I have some new Best Friends Forever charm bracelets to distribute.

52 comments:

Carolyn...Online said...

I want in on the BFF club! Can I just show up at the next meeting with a Forty and a bag of Cheetos?

beth - total mom haircut said...

Can I hang with you and Kathy Griffin? I don't know that I can handle Tori Spelling...

A long-lost high school friend of mine recently invited me to a concert recently. At first I was like - Hell yeah! But then, 24 hours later I'd thought of all the reasons I probably couldn't go. I mean, it started at 8:00pm for God's sake - when would I be home? In the A.M.?! My boobs would totally seep through my shirt when a drunkard in the next bathroom stall was crying. Oh, it's rough...maybe I'll still try and go, pretend I'm back in high school again and let Hubby deal with the shrieking children wondering where mommy is at 2:00am when they wake up (Which they WILL) and I'm not there...

Average Girl In Average World said...

@Carolyn...online - hey you stole my line!!!!

Oh hell. Brittany you got room for all of us right? uumm....right???


I SAID RIGHT!!!

Okay, I'll sulk away now.....

JenniBeanV said...

I'd like to be in your BFF club! And I will be bringing along Shannon Doherty (for drama!), Paris Hilton (so the paparazzi will follow us!) and Oprah (for the free crap!)
Looking forward to our first slumber party!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

LOL I am so glad you have it all worked out Britt! :)

Politi Gal said...

parasocial relationships kick-ass and...

You really are a gift to all of us who come back again and again for a shot of your arrestingly hilarious ability to capture a rich life in words and pixels!

I haven't found anything that you've written that I haven't absolutely adored(inappropriate is, of course, best), but I really love posts like this where you put your amazing imagination and wit on such magnificent display.

Gilmore Girls - The Complete First Season...$23.99 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25

Brittany (and the warmth and funny she brings) ...priceless!

Fiesty Charlie said...

To be completely inappropriate on a Tuesday morning, I must say that you just keep scoring points in my MILF folder.... lol

Riesling? Are you kidding me? It is the only wine I love, although I drink many... I am going to have to tell Melissa about us soon...

I can relate to your post, even though I did not spit ankle biter out of my vagina. It seems all my friends took 10 steps backwards, reaching for the doorknob... bastards!

Friends can be fickle, but your "lesbian lover on the side" will never let you down... {hint, hint}

You may have a fight on your hands with the Wishful Writer over Kathy...

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

HaHaHa...we all need BFF's like this!!!

Natalie said...

um...i want to be a bff too. i am just not quite sure what i have to contribute to that bunch of awesomeness! i could be a groupie i guess!

Stephanie said...

Get thee to Claire's stat. I hear they are having a BOGO sale on friendship bracelets.

Stephanie said...

Get thee to Claire's stat. I hear they are having a BOGO sale on friendship bracelets.

threeboys1mommy said...

Is it weird that I'm genuinely surprised not to have made your list? What EV!

I'm making Chelsea Handler my pseudo friend and we are so throwing down against you and your boyfriend Tori! Bring it, bitches!

Mekhismom said...

Gotta love imaginary BFFs. You do have some friends in real life, right? I mean besides your devoted readers of course. Oh, wait, we don't count. Anyhow with humorous wit like yours I just know you have too many friends to count!

Allison said...

You don't want to do coke with Lindsay Lohan? You're so responsible.

J.Danger said...

Isn't it sad when you would rather stay home in pjs in bed by 9 instead of watch your friends puke in an alley?!

Nope, not so much thanks!

I think I will make a BFF list! What a great idea!

J.Danger said...

ah! Dont post that one! I keep putting my personal email on posts! Why am I so lame?

Yet another reason why I didn't make it on your list....

Tasha said...

I just saw Kathy Griffin two weeks ago here in Vegas...ya want me to tell her to call you? We could hang out with her gays and say shitballs a lot. And I am a HUGE 90210 and Big Love fan. Wow, and you're a foodie and you like lip gloss...I think you're my bloggy twin sister. New reader! *WAVE*

Weith Kick said...

I would totally deny this in person but I used to love the "Gilmore Girls" and was so glad when Luke and Lorelei got together at the end.

Talk to your husband about getting a sister wife. But stay away from the scheming Nicki types.

AJ said...

I know what you mean about the kids thing...I was the first of my friends to have kids, by about 3 years. Incidentally, I was not the first to get married. In fact, I had two kids before most of my friends had one, and before I got married. Perhaps my mother can join your mom and Kathy Griffin's mom in the rosary saying? I may have given her a few gray hairs.

Mommie Mayhem said...

Add me to the BFF list! We could piss the world off !! One person at a time lol.

Mommie Mayhem said...

I want in !! We could piss the world off! One person at a time. I love Kathy Griffin !

Brittany said...

Carolyn...I think that definitely qualifies you, and make sure they are real cheetos, none of that baked cheeto health food crap.

Beth...2am!? I am sleepy just thinking about it, blow them off and come eat pizza, drink beer and watch Noggin with us...we do shots every time someone counts to 5.

Average Girl...YES! Come, but not empty handed, must bring food and drink.

Jenni...Oh that is quite a group you got there, they are all in, but only if Paris gains 30 pounds first.

Jenn...Well, I work with what I have:)

Politigal...I am sitting here wanting to type about a million different things, and yet, the only thing that keeps coming back to me is thank you! Seriously, that is amazing to hear, and you are amazing for saying it!

Charlie...Gosh girl, I do adore having you in my drunk corner. And as for Kathy, she's allll mine:)

Judy...I know!

Natalie...Easy. You have Turkish jokes. Every group of BFFs needs Turkish jokes:)

Stephanie...I haven't been to Claire's since I bought my puka shell necklace! I am sooo going there!

Threeboys...Damn....Chelsea was going to make my list, but I am still pissed she stole my book title, "Are you there God, it's me Vodka."

Mekhismom...Real life friends? Does that mean I would have to leave the house!?!?!?!

Allison...It sounds super fun, it's just that I get nose bleeds too easily.

Danger...Hmmm...no email showed up for me sweets:) And yeah, I would rather be at home being freaked out by Dateline that at a noisy club.

Tasha...You saw Kathy...in person!? Did she mention me? I so need to track her down!

Weith...I KNOW! I was bawling. They are so perfect together.

AJ...HA, high five for being in the "sending my mother to an early grave" club!

Mommie Mayhem...You're in, just make sure you have plenty of beer, and remember to use your outside voice:)

texasholly said...

My list would be very similar but you left off Chelsea Handley. Is that her last name? She does that Chelsea Lately show on TV. Duh, it's on TV. Serious. You and her. Match made in heaven girl...oh, but invite me.

Aubrey said...

I'm coming too with food & drink and my BFF, Nancy Botwin!!

Jen said...

You so totally read my mind for the last 7 years....

lamb said...

wtf. im waiting for my bff listing......

Brittany said...

Holly...True dat! I think if me and Chelsea met and became friends, baby kitties would die...it would be that indecent!

Aubrey...Sweet! I'll bring my lighter!

Jen...I know...aren't we pathetic...not anymore baby!

Lamb...YIKES! You are sooooo on there. Especially with your pension for happy hours!

Melissa said...

I'm in the same boat... none of my BFFs have husbands or kids yet. I was all by my lonesome when I chose to have a baby at 21. And it's pretty difficult for me to find friends with kids who aren't 38-year-old divorced man-haters who scoff at me for being so liberal. And to top it off I just moved to a new city so I have to start fresh looking for a friend to come play with me.

Melissa

Brandy said...

LOVE IT! I always thought you and Tori looked a bit alike. That's quite a good group of friends you've got there. I'll need to drop by with a bottle of wine and some yummies and laugh my behind off! I'm in opposite boat. Most siblings/friends have kids now and we don't. Gets a bit akward I suppose, but I secretly wish that I was in their mommy club! Well, maybe not so secretly!

Sandy C. said...

I LOVE that you rock the 5 for $25 Victoria Secret underwear :) I have an entire drawer full ;)

Fabulous list of ladies. Kathy Griffin would certainly be on my list too.

alanna rose said...

I have convinced myself that Tori is my BFF - she just doesn't know it yet :)

Had my four month old with me at a friend's regatta race (who thought that would be a great idea? oh yeah, me.) for five hours in the heat. They couldn't understand why I was freaking out. The Baby Bjorn did double duty and hid my leaky boob circles.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

What?!?! Luke and Lorelei ended up together at the end?

*throws last 2 discs of last season of Gilmore Girls in the fireplace*

I am SO not reading your other comments any more!

Jo-Jo said...

You are so going to have to share Lorelei with me! I want in on this BFF club thing...I mean really, we already have that weird clone thing going for us. Who knows what kind of trouble we can get into?! Great fun!

Emiline said...

Well, I like all of your new friends, especially Kathy Griffin. I LOVE her! She would be so much to hang out with. Like, when they went to Bora Bora. How much fun would that be?! She's hilarious.

Not Just Any Jen said...

I was just commenting tonight to my friend that I was the only one with kids on the Girls' Bunco Camping Trip, and how I am just different than they are. I had a great time, don't get me wrong, but half the time, I get harassed for canceling for a sick baby or whatnot. Us Moms, I guess we do drift.

Glad you got yourself some friends!
;)
Jen

Swirl Girl said...

if I brought the wine would you let me in your club?

Always Home and Uncool said...

As a fellow fan of the Anne Hathaway's Disney Movie Boobs, you don't need BFFs. You got it going on all on your own, girl.

Thanks for the nice comments on my interview. Cheers!

HappyHourSue said...

Gwen Stefanie and I were reading your post together and we were cracking up! (she's sleeping over). So we texted Michelle Rodriguez and we're all meeting for drinks later. Wanna come?

Angie's Spot said...

OMG, I'm so glad you stopped by my blog because you're my new BFF! I LOVE this post! My circle of friends were mimic yours (especially Lorelai and Kathy Griffin). I'm totally adding you to my reader! Thanks for the comment luv. I'll "talk" with again soon! :-)

Dejoni said...

You are too funny. You and Kathy should do a tour..."The Funniest Damn Women in America 2008!"
I want to hang with Tori and go shopping on Rodeo...and Lucy and smash some grapes.
I have some great BFF's...you know, the kind that do shit like threaten to buy a bunch of goats, feed them Ex-Lax and leave them in your front yard. You gotta love girls like that!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I want you to be my BFF..awesome.

LiteralDan said...

Having previously been identified as one of your BFFs, I humbly request that you never let Kathy Griffin tag along whenever I'm around, because I couldn't be held responsible for my actions (which would most likely consist of witheringly derisive comments).

I really, really want to keep reading your blog, because it is over-the-top, hilarious insanity in blog form, but if you ever mention Kathy Griffin again, I might have to whine a bunch more and then keep reading anyway. I mean... never, ever, ever read it again, I swear on my life!

Brittany said...

Melissa...Aww girl. I can't even imagine trying to make it in a new city. There have GOT to be some bloggers near you I can hook you up with!

Brandy...Get on it! I'll have your membership material handy, and bonus points for the Tori look alike comment:)

Sandy...5 for $25 is the only way to roll!

Alanna...Aside from fighting you for Tori, I have to say, a baby in this heat would suck, sweat everywhere, and then leaky milk, no fun!

Nanny...Ummmm.....did I say luke? I meant Kirk, she ends up with Kirk.

JoJo...Fine, but I will warn you, I have never been a good sharer:)

Emiline...HAHAHA! I can't believe she let them film her with her face peeling off!

Jen...I know, it is something that has been weighing on my mind for some time now. I joke about it, but it is kinda sad.

Swirl...Of course, 2 bottle minimum.

Always home...Thanks hun! And, you gave a good interview, you deserve the props!

Sue...I am in...maybe if we go somewhere with spicy food, Gwen will go into labor, and we'll deliver her baby and be on E!

Angi...YAY! I am so glad you stopped by, and I adore your blog as well:)

Dejoni...Ok...will there be goats in my yard tomorrow?

KD...Done, what do you prefer, red or white?

BFF Dan...Ok...we gotta work this out, since you are one of my OG BFFs....what if when you are around, I swap out Kathy for Chelsea Handler? This way, I still have my highly inappropriate crude factor, but in a less nasally fashion?

Brooke said...

Why am I the only girl who can't pull off the Victoria Secret undies? They make my ass look like an 80-year old high school science teacher. As it is, I'm doomed to the completely unsexy Target knickers.

HeatherW said...

Excellent choice of fake friends...I agree with all 5!!

I feel like I have missed so much since I have been on vacation. Today is all about catching up on others blogs and tonight (after I get my cavity filled) is all about catching up on my own blog lacking posts since pre-vacation.

Brittany said...

Donna Martin Graduates!!!

God I miss that show. And I don't to hear about how they're making a new one.

It's not the fucking same.

Suzie said...

I wanna go out with Tory and Kathy I know wed be BFF

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

So could I hang with y'all for just a night?!

Nap Warden said...

Oh man...I want some new BFF's! I would totally have L.Gilmore on my list...

LiteralDan said...

BFF Brittany: Re: Chelsea Handler, I'm not familiar enough with her to hate her, so I suppose that would be okay. Also, I knew the name was familiar-- turns out I have her book on hold at the library, based on Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's (Baby on Bored) recommendation.

What a weird, but cool, small world.

The Nice One said...

Those are some amazing friends. I really like Margene too.

flickrlovr from said...

You are God's gift to humanity, Brittany.

Nice list o' buds you got there. I'm already friends with Margene though, and I think she's one of those 'I can only have ONE best friend forever' type of girls. Sorry.

I would totally pay for cable just to watch Tori & Brittany: InnSane.