Monday, July 28, 2008

The Feminine Mystique

Ok folks, here is the post where I destroy any image you have of me that is dainty, demure and lady like.

Usually, I make this Sunday evening post, chronically all the random events of my weekend. I type it up after everyone else is in bed so I can watch old Monty Python DVDs and eat ice cream and drink beer, and no one is up to judge.

This didn't happen last night.

Last night, I danced upon the cusps of hell.

Here's how it went down.

We had Chipotle for lunch.

Oh Chipotle, how I love you and your fake healthy looking exterior, so spicy, yet so deliciously worth all the 9 billion calories you hide in your guacamole.

We ate outside on the deck, and the sun was shining, and the boys were having a blast. Oh, it was glorious.

We headed home with the windows down and the summer wind whipping through our hair. We were in the middle of singing some old folk songs, in rounds mind you, when ohmyfuckinggod, the burrito has turned against me.

It was the kind of mutiny where you need to hide out in the bathroom for 2-6 hours, sweating and clutching your gut, praying for it to end, between intervals of collapsing on the dirty bathroom floor just so you can touch your soft cheek to the cool tile. And it burns, it burns so bad.

You know, like that.

I don't know how long I had, but it was very clear, there was no way I was going to make it home. And then, you kinda go through these stages of acceptance.

First, you start trying to bargain with God, that if you could please just make it safely home, you'll never say the word cocksucker again. Ever.

And, then you move on to being really resourceful, thinking, hey, I have a diaper bag full of you think I could just? Hmmm.

After that, you kinda accept your fate that you will totally crap your pants in your car, your husband will divorce you, you will be mortified, the kids could care less, and you just thank the lord your seats are leather.

But then, you rise above it. No. No one will be crapping themselves in my car today. No one.

And you decide to break any life long rules you may have about using public restrooms, and tell your husband to pull over to the nearest gas station JesusChristRIGHTNOW!

So he does, and I run into this podunk gas station, and the 90 year old lady at the counter informs me that, oh, their public restroom is broken, but apparently I look sweet, never you mind the convulsing and sweat dripping down my face, and she offers to let me use the bathroom in her trailer next to the gas station.

Not. Good.

But my current predicament is forcing my hand, and I say yes and I run next door to her house with the plan that I will try to be super fast, and hopefully any lingering remnants of my presence there will be gone by the time she gets home.

Except I open the front door and walk into a room full of even older men watching golf on TV. Golf, the quietest sport ever. They weren't even shocked to see me barging into the house, but merely pointed to the door in the hallway and told me I might need to jiggle the handle. Great. Great!

So I go, as quietly as humanly possible, biting my shirt to muffle the screams, saying endless Hail Marys in my head, and praying they all wear hearing aides, and the batteries are dead in all of them.

After a few minutes, I feel like I have made enough headway to safely make it the rest of the way home, and of course, they have no air freshener, so I open the huge bottle of Stetson cologne on the counter, and start sprinkling it all over the rug and walls, you know, to freshen things up a bit.

A lady never leaves a place messier than she found it.

So, I gather myself, open the bathroom door, and make a sprint to the front door, jump into the car, which, thank God was still running, and scream "Go, go, go!!!"

I didn't tell my husband what happened in the trailer, mostly because I spent the rest of the evening curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, and because what happens in the creepy trailer bathroom stays in the creepy trailer bathroom.

Plus, I like that he still thinks girls don't poop, and even if they did, it would smell like daisies or cotton candy...which, coincidentally, mine does.


Dejoni said...

BWAHAHAHA! I thought this kind of thing only happened to me. I have crapped in all kinds of nasty, seedy places. I never get diarrhea unless I am 50 miles away from home.
Welcome to the club! Your membership papers should arrive in a few days!

Mekhismom said...

OMG! I seriously think that you have the funniest blog that I have ever read. For Real! I am so sorry that you had to suffer this way and it was oh so unfortunate that you had to use the bathroom in that trailer. How very, very embarrassing. I don't think I could have done it. I am my have just shat my pants. Shat - is that a word?

Anyhow, very funny reading to start my day.

ali said...

Daisies, cotton candy, and Stetson cologne. What a combination!

alanna rose said...

Shall we all remember the worst-place-ever to have EAS? TJ Maxx and the dorms in college, it's an even tie.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Did you get the other comment I sent? Blogger was acting funny this morning??

kel said...

This post is one of your funniest yet. And, I guess since you don't live by me, you wouldn't have heard this news, but the Chipotle by my house made something like 200 people sick. With Hep B or whichever Hep you get from nasty employees not washing their hands after they use the bathroom. Sounds like it happened to you. Lesson? Don't eat at Chipotle. Ever.

Anonymous said...

I have to stop reading your blog with coffee in my mouth, my keyboard can't take any more liquid! Hope you are feeling better today. Oh and you totaly could have been all--might need to light a candle...

J.Danger said...

Ha! I think it is so funny that you were so worried about the cologne! "A lady never leaves things messier than she found them"? A lady never shits in some random gas station ladie's rickety ole' trailer either! hahahaha!
And by the way, are you sure you ever even had two children with this man?! Has he never seen the Netherland region at its finest?

Oh Brittany...

I wish my husband didn't think I pooped. As it is, he giggles at me every time I am in there for longer than 2 seconds and thinks its hysterical to open the door as many times as possible with the camera!


P.s- I have the same sentiments about public restrooms. Ew. Gross.

Not Just Any Jen said...

You poor thing! That sounds just awful. Food poisoning for sure.

I can't believe you have nice people there who would let you just walk over to their restrooms. Creepy and all, still better than an accident.

The Mom said...

daisies or cotton candy..and a little Stetson.

I'm so sorry...having a Hubby with Crohn's Disease, well, we've been there done that ALOT. Not fun.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Oh had it bad! I tend to do this to myself about once a year!

AJ said...

OMG! We just went through this 2 weeks ago. Not so much me, as my husband, but I'm totally suprised it wasn't me, because I'm the pooper in my family.

We were visiting my fam in my hometown, and decided to have lunch with one of my old high school friends at my favorite pizza place. My husband gets the terrible tummy cramps, but doesn't tell me, so after he comes back from the bathroom we chat 10 more minutes and then leave. ON the way home, he tells me off the affliction. We pass my dad's house, and I ask if he wants to stop. He doesn't. I tell him my dad's a proud pooper and will totally understand. He still doesn't want to. So I try to control my laughter and smart remarks. That doesn't work and I make him laugh too. It was all over then. There were no public bathrooms amongst the land of corn fields I grew up in. So he poops his pants, throws the car in park, and heads off into the corn field. I pull the car to the side of the road, get my laughter and tears under control, tromp through the cornfields to find him, and bring him some Dunkin Doughnuts napkins I found in the car. I go back to the car crying from laughing so hard, and he comes back a few minutes later, sans undies.

And that my friends, is how you now have a winning line to every future battle: "hey, at least I didn't shit my pants." But I'm sure my time is coming, since I now pee my pants occasionally after a particularly long run. Damn my blown out uterus and blatter:)

Swirl Girl said...

Been there...I know where all the closest bathrooms to the parking lots are in town.

Hotel lobbies, fast food restaurants, book stores...

My husband used to call me two exits, no waiting. I have a very 'fast' system myself.

Chipoltle sucks. Maybe you got a bad jalapenos?

Weith Kick said...

Mmmmm, Chipolte. You're making me all hungry and shit. Sounds like you had a close encounter with the family from The Hills Have Eyes.

Bethany said...

oh the wrath of the burrito!!! That doesn't sound like the best way to spend a Sunday night :( Is it bad that I still laughed uncontrollably at your misfortune? Hope your feeling better!

H.E.Eigler said...

when I get fired for reading blogs at work it will be your fault. Cause everyone notices the stupid *holding in a laugh face* I put on when I'm reading kinda looks like I'm trying not to crap myself but, with a smile.

beth - total mom haircut said...

Thank you! Excellent start to my blog reading today. Oddly enough I have a shit post up today too - our afternoons were somewhat similar, although, amazingly, I think yours may have been worse.

But I love Chipotle...and now I'll never see it the same way, ever.

HeatherW said...

Ohhhhhhh no!! I have been there before!! 3 times in a row that I went to Joe's Crab shack this happened to me!! You would have thought I would learn my lesson after the 2nd time but no such luck!!

I feel for you!!

Natalie said...

well now...your superhero status has just gone up in my book!

and for the record...i don't poop.

Allison said...

I suggest you stick with Taco Bell.

Aubrey said...

Thanks for the laugh at your expense this morning!
Thankfully, I have public poo-ing syndrome or I could totally see myself in that situation on many occasions! Hope you are feeling better!

Politi Gal said...

That's some funny shit:)

Deb said...

Best blog ever. 'Nuff said.

Anonymous said...

Snakes, death, spiders, nope. Pooping in my pants! That's my greatest fear! It's an awful situation to be in... on the ride home I scan for a nice house and think - I wonder if they'd let use their facilities for 20 bucks... to bad I never carry cash. I'd have a great story to tell.
BTW-Devastated to learn about Chipotle's bizillion calorie burrto! It seemed healthy to me too.

catnip said...

Dude. I have Ulcerative Colitis, so I know your pain. That shit (pun intended) always seemed to happen to me at work. Thank god now I work from home!

Shannon said...

My steering wheel has finger nail imprints, and the floor board has the indention of the gas pedal from too many "I'm not going to make it" experiences. I've had to stop in a few questionable places too, but none have equaled the trailer next door! Too funny! And thanks for the laugh - I'm glad I'm not the only one who suffers with this!

Hope your week goes can only go up from here, right?!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OMG you are freaking hilarious!

JenniBeanV said...

Ohhhh man! LOL! I can't think of one single poop story to counter that one with! I hope you are feeling better today!

Emiline said...

My sister got food poisoning from Chipotle! I've never been there, but I will avoid it from now on.

I can't believe this happened to you! What a way to ruin a perfect day.
The trailer bathroom does sound creepy. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Better than crapping in your pants in the car.

Brittany said...

Dejoni...Sweet, i hope we have members only jackets!

Mekhismom...Why thank you, and seriosuly, had I know what I was getting into, I would have totally shat myself as well!

Ali...It's hawt!

Alanna...Dude, I am so not a public bathroom person, I feel like everyone is listening!

Average Girl...No, I didn't get it, resend please, I love your comments sweets!

Kel...Why thank you, I will never eat there again, no matter how yummy their burrito rice is!

KD...I will from henceforth put a warning on:) Oh, and I am banned from candles...forget to blow them out once, and people get all up in your shit about being not responsible enough for them.

Danger...Honey, the only person who saw my vagina get ripped open was the Doctor, I told hubby if he looked, to look long and hard, because it is the last he would be seeing of it.

Jen...Yeah, that's what you get from a town of 2000 people...they are creepy as hell, but their intentions seem good:)

Jen (mom)...Thanks, I am, although I haven't tried to eat anything yet...I am afraid.

Judy...I know, it happens so seldom to me too, so I guess I should be thankful, i just wasn' the time:)

AJ...OMG. I feel so bad for even knowing that story!!! I would never let him live down the fact that he pooped his pants and disappeared into a cornfield. YOU MUST blog this story!

Swirl...LMAO! that is the best nickname ever!

Weith...Word. It was a tie between them or the House of 1000 Corpses!

Bethany...It's ok, i admit it was funny, just painful at the time. Now I can chuckle softly at it...still not sure if things are all peachy down there yet for a hearty laugh:)

H.E...HAHAHA! As long as there is no noticeable grunting, you should be safe!

Beth...Sweet! i can't wait to go check out your shit!

Heather...Oh yuck, I can imagine Joe's to be the WORST! Seafood and stomach issues are NEVER a good combo!

Natalie...Is it ironic that the superhero you originally assigned me had a pooping issue??

Allison...Oh God, I would die. My intestines can't handle Taco Bell!

Aubrey...Never ever pooping in public is a life rule.

PoltiGal...No shit! Let's just keep the puns rolling:)

Deb...I love you Deb!

Threeboys...First yes, Chipotle is like on of the top 10 unhealthiest places to eat, and I would give you $100 if you went up to a strangers door to poop!

Catnip...See, I just need to never ever leave the house, then I would be safe!

Shannon...HILARIOUS! I totally felt like I was pushing my feet through the floor!

Julie...Why thank you darling!

Jenni...You mean I poop trumped you!?!?!?!

Emiline...In hindsight, i would have rather crapped my pants than poop in a house full of old men silently watching golf. I think.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Just when I think I can read your blog without pissing my pants laughing, you go and post something like this!

Good grief girl... you have my kind of luck... and it ain't always good!

Jo-Jo said...

I feel your pain. I can't go anywhere and eat without getting "sick" on my stomach before I leave. (I call it "sick" so my hubby will too believe we women don't poop! lol) And when you have to go to a public restroom (yikes!) you try to hold it till everyone leaves so they wont hear a thing and then make some lame excuse about there being a line in the bathroom. That's why it took so long!

Leah said...

Oh man....I feel your pain. And Jo-Jo...I do the same thing. My husband thinks there is a line everywhere...even in a one stall bathroom HA!

Brittany said...

I have SO been there. Mine was from Taco del mar.

I nearly had an accident rewading this post, as it was fucking hilarious.

Golf? Seriously? What did you do to piss off God?

ChristiS said...

Oh my!! I am cracking up, and since I'm on the front porch, my neighbors think I've totally lost it! That could have SOOOOOO happened to me!!

Thanks so much for stopping by, cause now I will definitely be back to read you!!

Laura said...

Fine. Behind the garage, just out of view of the passing cars, is my favorite place for pooping outside if the hubby and I get EAS at the same time.
Outside has to beat a creepy trailer any day!

Sandy C. said...

Holy CRAP! So sorry to laugh. :)

I've been there so many times. Once at a graduation banquet. Immediately after I buttered my bread roll. I had to throw up immediately....just not out of my mouth!

ps. I have an unhealthy love for Chipotle, but I may need some time apart after this post.

Jennifer said...

OMG you are so funny!! I'm sorry to laugh at your pain--but I totally am!!

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

That might be the FUNNIEST thing I have read all week! OMG, you are a classy classy act.

The visual...oh stop me now.

Rachel said...

AHH -- I have BEEN there!!!! Hilarious post -- sorry you had to experience it, though.

HappyHourSue said...

LMAO -"Golf, the quiet sport ever".

But those old men were like, damn, that little lady's poo smells like Stetson, the finest of hat-themed colognes.

Shelly... said...

What I found crazy about what happened is the old lady letting complete strangers into her trailer! That just seems so weird! I do feel for you--at least you will never see those people again.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Well if that doesn't keep you out of Chipolte ;)
I love the image of you sprinkling Stetson all over the bathroom--haha.

Marie said...

Oh ya. Been there. Done that. Just not in a trailer. I think you've pretty much topped everyone!

Hope you're feeling better!

Brooke said...

Ohmygod have you been reading my diary? I have been there. More times than I care to admit. From dirty tattoo parlor "employees only" shitters to ultra fancy restaurant water closets.

My shame is now eased because of yours. Thank you.

The Offended Blogger said...

lmfao, I am sure that you are exaggerating a bit when you say yours smells like cotton candy or daisies, especially that night. :)

IRISHKAT said...

ROFL but sending happy thoughts your way! Mine always strikes at inopportune times as well but never quite like yours!!

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL I to have been there my blog friend !! Great blog !!

LiteralDan said...

I never get why women are so picky about where they jettison their precious cargo. So I have no sympathy about being "reduced" to using a gas station bathroom.

However, the group of old men listening is indeed awful. You gotta get really creative to overcome stuff like that. I wish I could be a free spirit and just Unleash The Hounds of Hell when needed, telling myself that everyone does it and what's the big deal, but my brain just doesn't work that way.

I have to be impossibly quiet, to convince anyone in earshot that I was just hard up for a place to sit and read. I guess I'm not very manly that way.

Bren@Flanboyant Eats said...

girl you are hilarious!! can we be friends!! LMAO everytime I read your blog. Greatness...

flickrlovr from said...

OMG. Did you write this for me? I've had this experience countless times. It's not pretty. Or sweet-smelling either.

And before my surgery, I had to take about 2 gallons of sweet, sweet (GAGGAGGAG) laxative to 'clean me out' beforehand...and let me tell you-I ended up diarrhea-ing 19 times in the span of only 7 hours. My azz was so sore...holy LAWD I practically cried every time I felt another 'episode' coming on. Grossssss. Now all I've got to do is avoid post-anesthesia constipation. I'm drinking prune juice. I want to barf every time I smell it coming near.

Oh dear Lord preserve us.

Pearmama said...

Oh em gee. That was hilarious. I so feel your pain. If I could recount the many times I have felt that familiar cramp in my stomach after eating out. I break out in the sweats. I start looking at exits. I have ran through Walmarts, Chipotle parking lots and shopping malls! Then I start to coach myself mentally--I tell myself that I gave birth six times--surely I could prevent shitting on myself. My husband is totally used to flying into some parking lot only to have me jump out while the car is still moving so I can wreak havoc on the toilet. Unlike you, I can shit anywhere. I'm actually kinda proud of it. It's out of necessity. I once had an *accident* after leaving a McDonalds with two toddlers. I vowed never ever EVER to do that again. That's why I'll use any toilet available to me.

btw, your blog is hella funny.