Friday, July 25, 2008

Running (er briskly walking) with the devil

Me: I fee like I have gotten fat.

Husband: That's because you have.

Me: Seriously! You've noticed?

Husband: Noticed what? That you can't fit into anything, your arms have bat wings, and you have been secretly photoshopping your double chin out of the 4th of July picnic pictures? Um, yeah, I've noticed.

Me: Wow, I appreciate your candor. I guess since it is so noticeable I should start doing something about it, huh.

Husband: You mean besides your usual routine of eating lots, drinking lots, and then not doing lots? Yeah, maybe wanna change that up a bit.

Me: Gosh, I am lucky to have married such a wonderfully honest man.

Err...it may have also gone like this...

Me: I feel like I have gotten fat.

Husband: Really? I don't see it, if anything, I would say you look too thin.

Me: Yeah, I think you may be right.

And that folks, is how you make a marriage work.

Because my husband knows, the thinner he makes me feel, the closer he thinks he is getting to a threesome.

It's basic porn mathematical theory, we learned it from my priest during pre-marriage counseling...that and how Jesus is with us always...so, I guess, if you want to get all technical, we've already had lots of threesomes.

41 comments:

Average Girl In Average World said...

It's funny how we twist things ;) But atleast your hubby has learned how to make things work and keep the wife happy (and keep you from ripping his balls off) .....

Nice boy, now go play

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

You have got to love a marriage that works despite how it works and where we learned it from!!!

kel said...

I love how unpredictable your stories are. A threesome with Jesus? Sounds blasphemous.

Fiesty Charlie said...

I think you are HOT! A seriously smokin' babe! Shall we try those ABCs? You are...

Adamantly NOT FAT,
Beautifully NOT FAT,
Cute but NOT FAT,
Damn! Damn! Damn! YOU are NOT Fat,
Everything but FAT,
Fantastically Not Fat,
Gorgeous,
HOT,
Intelligent,
Joking when you say you are fat! Kinky?? {One can dream right?}
Lusty,
MMMMMMMMMM,
Nice,
Obviously a NOT Fat Goddess,
Perfect,
Quirky in a "good way,"
Raunchy... yea baby!
Sooo Seriously Sexy,
Tempting to at least one Lesbian,
Unbelievably Seductive,
Very, Very, Very Doable,
Witty,
'Xtremely Charming... {are you laughing yet}
Zesty, with a cherry on top!

I think I have said enough.....

HRH said...

genius.

J.Danger said...

I just TRIED to have the same conversation with my husband yesterday. Lets just say it did not go as smoothly as yours!

Gotta love naive men!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Lol too funny. I've learned never ask husband about how fat I look. The shocking look on his face while he tries to come up with a comment says it all.

HeatherW said...

Hahahaha!! What a perfect Friday posting!!

Have a great weekend!!

Jennifer said...

Your husband definitely has the right idea! Luckily, mine does too--if he ever told me I looked fat I seriously don't know what I would do!!

Shelly... said...

You had me thinking for a minute that your hubby actually said those things and I was scared for him. It's a conversation we avoid around our house. Probably cuz we could both stand to lose a few pounds and we like to eat and drink too much. And if I knew that priests taught you about threesomes and stuff I might have actually gone to church! :)

Swirl Girl said...

You are a riot girl!

I once jokingly said to my Hubby that I am tired of my fat ass. He said "You don't have a fat ass, honey - you have a fat stomach"

Then after he realized that his sex life was over...he tried to catch his words....TOO FUCKING LATE!

I would rather 'do' the blue penis on your face than his after that.

;) Swirl Girl

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

This is great! I am so glad I can learn from all of you with successful marriages so that I know what to do when we hit these bumps in the road! LOL!

ali said...

Ahhh, the porn mathematical theory, my hubby was whisked off to boot camp so we were allowed to forgo pre-Cana. Looks like he missed out on some great info there!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Are you kidding me? You are hot, and NOT fat!!! And you have a very smart husband.

Where do you get this stuff??? Seriously?

Bethany said...

HAAAH! I thought for a moment that your first conversation was with MY husband!

Glad yours is smarter than mine!

The Mom said...

Aw what a guy...my guy would say the same...then we watch Last Comic visit the Playboy Mansion and um Honey...I don't look like that. Stop Drooling!

threeboys1mommy said...

I've heard them all. " Your back fat makes for a more comfortable piggyback." "Two nipples and a navel all in a row! That's awesome!"
Strange considering our pre-marriage counseling was so different from yours. We were told sex was for procreation only.., yeah... no mention of the porn mathematical theory, or threesomes w/JC... weird right?

Weith Kick said...

Holy crap! You just made me lol at work with that threesome bizness, and I never lol at work! We just celebrated 9 years of marriage yesterday and if it's any consulation, I've gained like 20 something pounds since I said, "I do."

Brittany said...

Average Girl...Yes, it took a while, but he is finally embracing his role:)

Judy...So true, as long as it works!

Kel...I know...even my husband cringes when I open my mouth!

Charlie...I honestly don't even know where to start, that was pretty much the most awesome thing ever!!! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you. Awesome.

Holly...thanks:)

Danger...Slap him around a bit and cut sex off completely. Works every time.

Julie...But, it keeps them on their toes!

Heather...thanks and have a blast this weekend!!

Jennifer...If he had said yes, I would have moved back in with my parents:)

Shelly...I should warn you...this is my loose interpretation of church...my mother is passed out from embarrassment right now:) Anyways, we could both lose some pounds as well, but it makes the sex better if we both lie about how hot we both are:)

Swirl...HAHAHAHA! Poor guy! I hope you waited a LONG ASS TIME before you let him have some again!

Jenn...Anytime sweetie, except that you too cuties shouldn't have these issues, you're perfectly perfect...I am going to go stare at your wedding pics for a while..in a totally non creepy way.

Ali...I might have my notes somewhere I can send you:)

Jen...I LOVE YOU! And, I have no idea how these things enter my head, but I do not I lack the filter to block them from leaving my mouth:)

Bethany...He better not say that to you, I'll have to have a little talk with him:)

Jen...I KNOW! I feel all sexy until we watch Girls Next Door:(

Threeboys...That is weird...maybe your church isn't as old school as mine though:)

Weith...WHATEVER! Men look hot no matter how much they gain, you guys suck. If I could live on beer and chicken wings and gain weight like a man, I would be in heaven! Lucky bastard:)

Mekhismom said...

Sounds like you have your husband trained well. And the bit about always having a threesome - priceless.

Rachel said...

Wow -- I was in shock reading the first "script" of the conversation. So glad your husband is much smarter that I first thought!

flickrlovr said...

Ditto @kel :)

You are, most definitely, HAWT. No worries there, mama. And your hubs is a smart, smart man. That's fo sho.

LiteralDan said...

Nice post! I didn't realize Jesus was such a player! But then, he is married to all those nuns, so what would you expect?

The Offended Blogger said...

"Because my husband knows, the thinner he makes me feel, the closer he thinks he is getting to a threesome."

You can insert 'homemade cheesecake' for threesome and that pretty well sums my hubby up. :)

Emily said...

A is a smart, smart man.

Thinking about Jesus threesomes makes me feel a bit creepy.

Jo-Jo said...

My God! You had me scared for your hubby! But even before I got to the second conversation I started thinking that there was no way you were responding so nicely to what he said!

Amy said...

Jesus is only the start... *technically* he's a threesome all in himself, once you consider the whole God and Holy Spirit dudes.

So I guess when you really think about it, what you have here is a good old fashioned Catholic orgy! :)

Raging Dad said...

Oh man, that is a set up. No answer would have spared this poor guy from being in the shithouse!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

OMG--I just shot coffee through my nose...That was awesome...Thank you.

Dejoni said...

So that's why my husband is always telling me how hot I look...to get a threesome?
Big Ding Dong!
He can barely handle one woman...let alone two.

jt said...

Wow! What an awesome mental that is.............

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

I had to quit asking "does this make me look fat?" when he started all his answers with "do you want me to be honest?"

No, MF, lie to me!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

When you tangle up Jesus and threesomes, you're on to something. Funny post.

Swirl Girl said...

Yo foodie friend,
come on by for a little shout out!

lamb said...

now i feel all awkward and stuff...

Kiki said...

Your husband is a smart man.

Found you through Twitter. I live in Southeast Michigan, Outside Toledo!

Anyway, great blog and if you ever DO feel like a little diet humor I invite you to pop over to my online home.

I'll certainly be back here. Fun site!

Brittany said...

Mekhismom...I do, it took forever, but the payoff is priceless!

Rachel...Yeah, my husband would be dead and buried if it played out like that:)

Flickr...Haha, thanks. He didn't come this smart, I had to train him in the ways of living with a woman.

Dan...For sure! I am pretty sure that make him the OG Player!

Offended Blogger...See, now it's the homemade cheesecake that would make ME think twice about a threesome, how shameful is that!

Emily...Don't embrace the idea right away, let it sit with you for a bit, and after a few drinks...oh wait, you're knocked up...I can't help ya.

JoJo...My kids watch the Disney channel and in the WEE hours of the morning, there is a little mini showed called Feeling Good with JoJo, and every time I see your name I sing the theme song. So it like I am serenading you. Isn't that romantic!

Amy...This is the MACK DADDY of comments. Bar none!

Raging Dad...Gotta keep him on his toes, ya know. Just when you husbands get comfortable, BOOM, jolt to the system.

KD...Your welcome, I hope it wasn't hot coffee...then I would feel bad.

Dejoni...Giiirrrlll...where the crap has your blog gone? And yes, in theory, the men think they would love a threesome, but I doubt if it were to happen, they would even know what to do, and would probably pass out.

JT...Yeah, but I have always had a thing for guys with facial hair.

Anissa...Wow, how if your foot not in his ass right now?

BHJ...Thanks, it's a tricky line to walk (or cross), dragging Christ into dirty threesome sex, or into any sex for that matter, but I think I am just saying what everyone else is probably thinking....plus, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have to fake it.

Swirl...YAY! I saw it and thanks, I have to find time to come up with good answers though, the movie line one is SUPER HARD! Don't you love that I used the phrase super hard in my threesome post!?

Lamb..BWHAHAHAHAHAHA. yes. I got rid of the original, although I agree. AAWWWKKKWWAARRDDDD, on about a million levels.

Kiki...You site is super cute, I am going to spend hours on it:) Although, I don't diet, so as long as we clear that up right away...it's nothing personal, I just like to eat lots and lots. And you are super close to me! We could actually meet in real life one day, assuming I don't scare you away by a. making that statement, 2. having you read anything I write that clearly shows I crazy.

IRISHKAT said...

Wow, we went to the same counselor, Funny how my hubby that struggles with math totally gets the porn mathematic theories!

miri68 said...

Amazing, very funny. Hubster knows if he ever wants some again, not to be honest, so we play our game....and we're both very happy!

Kandace said...

I lost my witty comment when you brought up the Feeling good with Jojo song! Damn you and your Jesus loving 3-somes.

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL you are just to funny !! I just found your blog and already Im a fan!! I like a girl that can laugh at herself & others lol !!