Thursday, July 24, 2008

Open letter to the guy who peed on my leg on my 21st birthday

Hey fella,

You know, you were a pretty desirable guy back in high school. Good looking. Great car. As I recall, you were a bit of a ladies man back then. So, imagine my shock when I saw you at the bar we all went to to celebrate my 21st birthday. And, imagine my even bigger shock when you decided to hang out and chat it up for a while. Sure, you had let yourself go a bit, carrying some beer weight and a little on the scruffy homeless looking side, but hey, we can't all look like we did back in high school.

Clearly, you were a few under the table by the time we got there, but that's cool, it was my big 2-1! Holla!

But, what I didn't expect was for you, in mid argument over why you think Nelly's "Hot in Herre" is the best song of all time, to unzip your pants, pull out your junk, and start peeing all over the place, including my hot new birthday jeans from Express.

And, all you said was, "my bad." Really, "my bad?" That's all you can say while I stood there in my birthday tiara with hot urine running down my leg and into my super cute pink high heels? I had to go home and spend the rest of my 21st birthday in a tub of hot water and rubbing alcohol just to get the pee smell off of me, not to mention, trying to wipe the sight of your little "friend" out of my head.

Whatevs, that was six years ago, I am over it.

Until you show up at my door yesterday as you try to sell boxes of frozen meat house to house.

And, just to clarify things, I wasn't flustered at of the sight of you, but rather because I had finished preparing our pre-dinner ice cream cone, and So You Think You Can Dance was going to be on in an hour.

And, stop staring at the faint blue outline of a wiener on my face, I know it's there.

Oh, and yes, while you probably do recognize me from high school, you should be recognizing me from the bar where you peed on me 6 years ago...but I can understand how that night is a little fuzzy for you.

So no, I am not going to buy a big box of frozen steaks from you.

Now get off my porch before I pee on you.

31 comments:

Asianmommy said...

OMG--how awkward! I would put a "No Soliciting" sign on the door from now on!

Mekhismom said...

I cannot believe he peed on your leg! That is sooo disgusting. And last night he showed up on your porch selling frozen steak? I guess it just goes to show being hot in high school does not guarantee success in life.

AJ said...

This is why we (as women) got the short end of the stick when it comes to 'peeing parts.' [Well this and ticks on labias;)] See how handy a penis would have been right there.

kel said...

I heard warm pee is a great way to thaw out steaks. Too bad you didn't buy any frozen box from him, cause he could've dethawed them for you right then and there!

HeatherW said...

Hahahahahhaaa!! Isn't it great how live hands you these little presents!!

Average Girl In Average World said...

OMFG! Peed on your leg? I would have decked him then and there---bastard.

Besides those "ribeye steaks" they sell are more like a "shoulder portion". And you got to give the final rejection...you won!

J.Danger said...

Well at least for you, today, you could have spit on him and it would have been almost the same.

(get it? You had a penis on your face?!)

What a douche bag!

I would have spent the night bleaching and scrubbing my leg will steel wool!

-J.Danger

Mama's Losin' It said...

You could have at least returned the favor while he stood at your doorstep.

I'm all about class.

The Mom said...

A nursing mom could whip it out and squirt him in the eye.

Or just as he's leaving whisper, "it was sooo small" and giggle!

Jennifer said...

Ew! First he pees on your leg, then he tries to sell you a door to door steak? What a loser!

~Gabby Chick~ said...

good lord. that's just not cool man. i can't say i'm the innocent drunk...but i don't recall pee'ing on anyone...ever. LMAO that's insane.

amanda:)

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

OMG won't your ten year reunion be intersting! (Mine is coming up and now I am all curious to see what douche-bags are coming).

Oh and totally sick about the pee...I would have made him by me new pants

lamb said...

fuck him

Brittany said...

Asianmommy...we were thinking the same thing, but I don't want to keep the girl scouts away.

Mekhismommy...Exactly, just because you are a bad ass in high school, doesn't mean you won't end up selling frozen meat as an adult. Loser.

AJ...Screw peeing on him, if I had a penis I would smack him across the face with it.

Kel...Hmmm...do you have a pee fetish:)

Heather...Yes, it felt wonderful to shut the door on his balding ass, he probably has incontinence now, that's karma.

Aevrage Girl...I figured, it didn't even look like beef, more like dog.

Danger...Yeah, I can still feel it, to this day!

Mamas losing it...I wanted to, but I have had such bad luck with the squat in pee in the past.

Jen...HAHAHA! I love the whisper!

Jennifer...Major loser. I should have taken his picture.

Gabby...Just to be safe, maybe go out in a diaper or large maxi pad...

KD...Actually, he was a year or two older...so he should have been way more mature 6 years ago.

Lamb...Word.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Ok that's just um YUCK!! I think I'd at least go throw some cat litter chunks on him..

JenniBeanV said...

A guy who peed on your leg shows up at your house to sell you a box of meat? That is CLASSIC! LOL!

threeboys1mommy said...

Ladies, ladies, We're all mothers here. Who hasn't been sprayed in the eye/nose/mouth/ear with a little pee?

Fiesty Charlie said...

LOL...

You should have asked him why he was selling meat instead of DEPENDS!!

He could tell them a personal story about why he needs to wear them....

LOL

HappyHourSue said...

woah. Travelling Meat Salesman has gotta be the worst job ever.

flickrlovr said...

WOW. On all counts. WTF.

And on the SYTYCD front? Anyone that gets in my way either an hour or so before and especially during the show gets Insta-Bitch from me. I'm hardcore. Betta recognize.

Brandy said...

OMG, I would die to know who that is! I hate when drunk people just decide to pee wherever they please!

Jo-Jo said...

I read your blogs out loud to my hubby every night. He thinks your crazy (and he loves it!) I think your fucking brilliant! I swear, I think I would have started laughing the moment I opened the door and told him that my outline of the wiener was bigger then his real one!

Brittany said...

Mom Taxi...If I had a cat, that may be an option...cats scare me.

Jennibeanv...Yeah, and he totally didn't realize that I was the girl he had peed on 6 years prior.

Threeboys...Agreed, i have swallowed my share of little boy pee...but adult stinky beer pee, now that I can do without.

Charlie...He could very much be the poster boy of adult bladder issues.

Sue...Agreed, I do not envy anyone going door to door hawking meat.

Flickr...Oh my God, I have loved SYTYCD from season one! I love them all this year, except Comfort...her arms don't bend right.

Brandy...um, you definitely know him.

JoJo...What up JoJo's hubby!!! And, I wish you had been here last night, because that would have been the perfect thing to say!

Emiline said...

Hot urine going down your leg? HAAAAAAA. OMG that is so funny! In your birthday outfit! I guess it wasn't funny back then, but wow. That made my day.

Bethany said...

YOU STILL HAVE THE BIG BLUE WEENIE ON YOUR FACE!!! LOL

Jordan said...

His initials wouldn't happen to be JM would they?

Brittany said...

Emiline...Yeah, I still have phantom hot urine sensations on that leg!

Bethany...Yeah, showering is overrated.

Jordan...I'll never tellll (imagine me saying it like your twin Brittany Murphy did in that creepy movie with Michael Keaton)

LiteralDan said...

Maybe you just are one of those people with invisible (to most of us) "Please Pee on Me" signs on your forehead. Could just be your lot in life.

You could always amend the No Soliciting sign to add "...from people who have peed on me"

Just think of all the great reactions you could describe on your blog!

Brandy said...

Ugh...now that I know I would know him, I can't stop thinking about who it may be! Hmm...a few years older, you mentioned good looking & popular. Since I'm no longer in the area, I have noooooo idea what people are up to these days. I'm sure he'll never be ringing on my doorbell (unless he wants to drive 2 hours!) ;)

Mommie Mayhem said...

Yuck . I would have peed on him anyway!!

The World According to Josh said...

Pretty sure you get the last laugh. I imagine those door to door types aren't exactly raking in the dough.

Thanks for the idea of writing open letters to interesting if not annoying people from high school. I just might have to do some of that myself.

Cool blog. I'm in.