Friday, August 15, 2008

Holy 1983

I am the mom of two boys. Sure, before my first, I may have dreamed of a gaggle of little girls. We would play dress up, do each others hair, have girls nights out, shop for wedding dresses...but then, we found out we were having a boy, and then another boy, and my pink dreams kinda fizzled away.

And, that's ok. I am ok with it. Heck, I love it. I love boys. I want a whole football team of them.

So there I was, living in my happy little pee pee and Ninja Turtle world, until I got a package.

It's from a company wanting me to write to all of you about how it's the 25th anniversary of the Cabbage Patch Kids, blah blah, go buy one, blah blah, I don't do reviews. I can't be bought.

But, wait.

So, like...they sent me a Cabbage Patch Kid?

A girl Cabbage Patch Kid?!

She's in a pink dress, and her name is Lousia Elva, she likes butterfiles and world peace, and she just wants to be loved and adopted like those kids on tv living in a 3rd world country with flies on their mouths!?!?!?!

Holy crap, it's the daughter I never had!

So I did what most rational almost 30 year old adoptive mothers do, I spent the day with her doing all the fun girl stuff I have totally been missing out on, of course! (Please excuse the off the shoulder flash dance shirt, I saw Mia Michaels rock one out on SYTYCD, and I have been hooked ever since, so deal with it)

First, Lousia Elva and I watched Beaches.

And then we had a pillow fight.

Then I taught her all about menstruation.

And, we stayed up all night drinking cheap wine and talking about boys!

It was like, the funnest thing ever! I can't believe how wonderful it is to have another female in the house. It's like, she just gets me, ya know?

So, I am not sure if I am supposed to give her back, but I'm not. Not ever.

Plus...I honestly have no idea where she is. The boys got a hold of her, took her diaper off, tried to feed her dead worms and kool aid, and I haven't seen her since. She could be turning tricks in Tijuana for all I know. Girls are complicated like that.

Balls and wieners trump me again.

P.S. Sorry folks, I don't do reviews...unless it was for say...liquor or lube, that I would be down for.

P.P.S. And hey, check out my interview over at Mommie Mayhem.

P.P.P.S. I am also featured on HumorBloggers, which launched offically today. Oh fancy fancy!

61 comments:

AJ said...

I was the opposite, I wanted boys to rough house and eat pizza with, and I got a girl first. So then I adopted the love of buying pink frilly things, and taking her shopping with me. She is great because she loves tee ball, loves to watch football, but also loves barbies and dolls, she's both extremes, a girly girl and a tomboy. I was spoiled.

Then we got a real boy. I mean a punch the kids on the playground, throw a football at your face, eat more than my father at age 2 type of boy. Good Lord has it taken some adjusting! But he's fun, too. Just in a 'should we put him in therapy yet or is he just a boy's boy?' kind of way:)

I do hope to have two of both when all is said and done with the reproduction parts though.

Elizabeth said...

I've got girls...three of them. And if I have to have another tea party today I'm going to gag! LOL. I think I should get that company to send me a boy cabbage patch doll. Love the pics of you and yours drinking! Too funny - thanks for the giggle!

Average Girl In Average World said...

I wanted a boy soo bad, when we found out I was preggers(like 5 weeks along) I went to Old Navy and bought EVERY infant Boy clothing they had. Then we had a girl. But I did get my boy second time around. We found out it was a boy when I was 23 weeks and had to have an emergency appendectomy. They did the ultrasound to find out where the baby was so they could operate on me. The Dr. asked us if we wanted to know - HELL YES. After they give me the relaxing dose of knock out meds before surgery, I cried the rest of the way in to operating table to all the nurses "I just found out it's a boy, don't let me lose him". He hung on and come out perfect.

Now, about those pictures.....Too Damn funny. The word "Menstruation" should be barred, it just sounds dirty. Just remember - if you have a girl, you have to explain to her that there is only One alpha female in the home, and she is YOU!!! That battle is an everyday one for me....

Average Girl In Average World said...

P.S. - who took the pics? Did they keepo a straight face? If I took them, they would be all fuzzy from violently shaking from laughter...

HappyHourSue said...

OMG. That is one hilarious post. Your rock.

Emily said...

B's really hoping we have a girl just so I'll have someone to tell me which shoes go with my outfit when I ask. He hates when I ask him girly stuff like that. He's also considered getting me a live-in girl. Hey, maybe you could be my live in girl! We should discuss this.

texasholly said...

This is intervention-worthy. OMG. I also want to point out that it might be a bit early with the tampon instruction and on that note, I don't remember cabbage patch kids having actual anatomy. My favorite was the up all night chatting. You really looked into it. Oh, and which of your boys took the pics??? hahaha

J.Danger said...

Brittany! Awesome interview! You are, like, almost famous now. Which by default, makes me almost almost famous. Sweet!

Rachel said...

That is toooo funny! I love how her wine is in a sippy cup!

threeboys1mommy said...

I love my boys too... but I can't help looking ahead to their wedding day. No one cares about the mother of the groom. I don't even remember if my mother in law was at our wedding. Sigh.

Angie's Spot said...

This was hysterical. My favorite was the pillow fight. Priceless!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

My mom waited in line for a cabbage patch doll for me for THREE HOURS. I know crazy, cause that was yesterday. Okay no it was 1983 but still CRAZY! Oh mine was named Edith Faith, had blue eyes and shared my b-day. She was my bff, until our cocker spaniel ate her.

Jamie said...

Found you through Mommie Mayhem and I LOVE your blog!! Soooo funny!!! This one had me in stitches I will for sure be back!!!

alanna rose said...

I see Xavier Roberts is still trying to use every name in the baby name book. My mom always sent in the "adoption papers" with the name change option checked.

:)

Bethany said...

WOW your cabbage patch is WAY more fun than mine was.

Although, mine had a blue birthmark on her arm {also known as, I went to sleep w/ a cough drop in my mouth- it was the 80's mom's didn't know cough drops were bad to sleep with back then ;)- and I must have been drooling.

FlowerGirl said...

You are a scream! Found you through Mommie Mayhem... I have three boys. I'm low man on the totem pole in my testosterone dominated house. I have a cat that's a girl. She's a bitch. I think she's on to something... Your new daughter will turn up... She may need a bath and say, STD testing, but she'll show up - ha!

Mommie Mayhem said...

Love the pics. Sadly I gave my Cabbage Patch Gabriellia away. I had to. Long story short , one summer , long time ago , very young . 1st kiss . Blackmailed by his younger sister who was eying my Gab. I'm still not over it :( lol

Jennifer said...

I love that you can't be bought!!

It looks like you had a delightful day w/ your "daughter!"

Going to check out your interview...

Carolyn...Online said...

Hilarious. Love the photos - exspecailly the wine in the sippy cup.

Swirl Girl said...

What a frickin' riot you are!
I have two girls and I thank god I do. I have 47 year old penis I am not sure what to do with - what would I do with one that came out of me (as opposed to going into me, get it?)

Allison said...

Dude. Priceless.

I have to say that I'm somewhat jealous. I kind of want one again.

The Mom said...

Was that liquid jello in her sippy cup?! THat was so friggen funny! Have you seen Sue's bit with Bathtub Gangsta or Alice's Vanilla Ice doll..you can totally go global with Lousia Elva!

Amanda said...

hahaha! That was too funny!

Raging Dad said...

That's sweet. I wish someone would send me cool stuff. I had a girl first, then twin boys. I would die if I didn't have at least one girl!

Jozette said...

HAHAHAAH. That was great!!!

I added you to my blogroll, hope you don't mind :)

Angi said...

Holy crap, this is hysterical...

I want a Cabbage Patch doll again, now that we're old enough to drink wine with them!! ;)

Emiline said...

How do you come up with this stuff?
HILARIOUS!

My favorite part was the wine in the sippy cup...such a subtle touch.

Aubrey said...

So glad you had a great mommy/daughter day! My boys have been soooooo much easier though but I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world (today anyway!)

Brooke said...

How did the little one take to the tampon? Did you show her how to put a condom on a banana?

Anissa Mayhew said...

You can't be bought...**snort** They just didn't offer you the right incentive. I'll bet your price falls way lower than a twinkie and bottle of Wild Turkey!

ali said...

FUNNY! Having 2 boys myself I should probably head on over to my parents house and dig Priscilla Elizabeth out of my old closet. Easy bake ovens here we come!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I had a Cabbage Patch kid in 1984, even though I was in college. But they were the Nintendo Wii of the day and I was able to get one, so I did. I remember using her for my speech class, I went off about how these things were taking over the world and I paced the room like George C. Scott's Patton. I had some war plan about defeating the little bastards.

Yeah, good times.

lamb said...

4 days in vegas without internet was TOO MUCH.

i mean, i missed bottles filled with wine and pillow fights that looked like a homicide scene.

damnit.

~annie said...

Love the pictures. No tea parties or dress shopping for you! I hoped for a girl until I had my third boy and now I think boys really rock. They are not petty or easily insulted. They are straight shooters and don't hold grudges. I've learned a lot from them. I love clothes shopping but not for other people so I am so glad I didn't have to fight over slutty prom dresses for a flat chested daughter or overindulgent spa treatments for a 13 year old. Enjoy your boys. I love the superhero/dress up stage. I remember seeing a little boy grocery shopping with "Hulk hands" like they were his own, no big deal. Thanks for reminding me how cute they are.

Mr. Noodle said...

You had me laughing pretty hard with this one.

Lets hope if she is turning tricks in Tijuana she will at least send a postcard now and then.

Have a great weekend!

Mr. Noodle

Leah said...

Great post! I love the turning tricks in Tijuana! That was great :)

Heather said...

Hey, at least boys can't get knocked up in high school. Just sayin'.

Mekhismom said...

I am leaving a comment and for although I fear redundancy I have to say you are the funniest writer - ever!

Jan said...

As usual, I giggled all the way through this. You're a hoot, Brittany. I loved your interview, too.

dreaded-destiny said...

You should put up a disclaimer that drinking (anything) while reading your blog can be dangerous. I almost had water coming out my nose I was laughing when I read the part about turning tricks in Tijuana.

Asianmommy said...

This post is hilarious! I have 2 girls and can't wait until they're old enough that we can have a girls' day like yours!

Fiesty Charlie said...

Good Golly Miss Molly... I get busy for a couple days and the next thing I know... "This?"

If you need a little girl in your house, you may borrow mine, for the next 15 years... just kidding.... by law I am required to say, "I have no intention of giving my child away..."

You need to get out more... and past the corn fields every once in awhile!

Love the blog, love you and your crazy ways.... and I am back to a normal routine to shower you with my attention.... LOL

Better now?

Emiline said...

Did I mention that I think this is my favorite post by you? Well, I don't know. There are too many good ones to pick from. Definitely one of the funniest.

flickrlovr said...

Where do you COME UP with this stuff?!? You're outta control. I swear.

I agree with dreaded-destiny. You need a disclaimer.

Heading off to check out your interview.

Oh-you totally rock the off-the-shoulder look better than Mia. I hope you wear it everywhere.

Lauri said...

I can totally be bought... hello cabbage patch.. look me up.


Love this post, you crack me up, but you missed the part where you and your little princess argue.

Natalie said...

ok...i laughed so hard i cried on this one! your facial expressions are priceless!

Weith Kick said...

I wish someone would send me a Six Million Dollar Man doll or an Evel Knievel doll.

Jennifer said...

First off, you totally rock the off-the-shoulder look!
Secondly, I'm so glad I'm talking to my daughter about menstruation yet. She's not yet 2, so I think that might be premature. Although she is having a pretty good time playing with herself during a diaper change, so the "sex talk" may be in her future! Otherwise, yeah, we totally sit around and drink cheap wine!

musing said...

Looks like Lousia lost the pillow fight.

Deb said...

I'm really missing Portia Arianna right about now...sniff, sniff. Although how strange (now that I think of it) how her orange yarn hair didn't cover her whole head and the area of her head that wasn't covered with yarn was died orange. Hmmmm. Oh well, she was still the best!

Rachel said...

Holy crap that was funny.

'turning tricks in Tijuana' dude.
*snort*
Wine out the nose is not comfy, just FYI.

Lisa Marie said...

Just wondering when you were going to fill her in on late nights of drinking wine and scissors? Remember Britt bad things happen when we mix wine, scissors and late nights lol. Once again I was laughing my ass off! Thanks for that! Keep it up girlie You rock my socks! :)

Lisa Marie said...

Just wondering when you were going to fill her in on late nights of drinking wine and scissors? Remember Britt bad things happen when we mix wine, scissors and late nights lol. Once again I was laughing my ass off! Thanks for that! Keep it up girlie You rock my socks! :)

kathy said...

Pure awesomeness...love it!

Dang funny blog my friend, dang funny!

beth - total mom haircut said...

Is it wrong that this somehow made me long for my Cabbage Patch kid? What about my Koosas? I loved my ugly Koosas...

Sandy C. said...

Why do they always give them strange names? I mean, would it kill them to send off a Jenny, Christina, or a Suzy?!

The off the shoulder look is way hotter on you ;)

What you get said...

Those pictures are to die for!!!

I owed one cabbage patch doll. it was a baby (small tuft of hair on an otherwise bald head) and I named it preemie. As in premature birth. My aptitude for twisted jokes started early I guess.

I think I put eyeliner on preemie and then performed heart surgery and hid a toy in its chest cavity. I have no idea what this says about what gender of kiddo I want or should have for that matter. :)

How to Party with an Infant said...

Wow, you crazy.
I'm giving you an award over on my blog.

Tena said...

Maybe I should go out and get one of these dolls to use has my daughter?
Funny I was just talking to my sister about the doll I had growing up...Cricket. Do you remember her?

EatPlayLove said...

I have a feeling the brains behind Cabbage Patch did not envision detailed tampon instructions.

So what exactly would be a good replacement for the son I wasn't graced with?

Carrie said...

I......love.....you.....

This is so funny, I am going to go change my underpants because I peed a little while I was laughing. Especially because I had multiple CP Kids and even visited the Cabbage Patch nursery!

I am now stalking your blog and your tweets.