Monday, August 18, 2008

Dermatological Guest Post

Holla bitches!

So, Brittany can't post today, she is too busy cowering in a dark room with toothpaste on her face, so in her place, is yours truly, her blemish aka biggest motherfucking zit ever.

Of course, I didn't start out this big, at first I was all calm and subtle, but then Brittany had to be a bitch and try and pop me, and I was all, think again ya whore, so I swelled up a bit more, you know, out of spite. And then, she grew some balls and tried to come at me with a rusty safety pin needle she sterilized with a lighter, so then I was like, alright, back the fuck up, what are you, a junkie?

I mean, who does that?

So, now I am just here hanging out, pussing up a bit every now and then, you know, just to keep things exciting.

Between you and me...I love my life. I so seldom get to bust in on Brittany's flawless complexion, so when I do, ya know, you gotta go big or go home. Which is why I prefer to rear my ugly head as a lip zit. That way...people think she has herpes. Herpes!

So here I am, in all my throbbing bad ass glory, just chillaxing, taking in the sites...which mostly consist of me looking at myself in Brittany's magnifying mirror while she spews obscenities and curses Jesus. But, what's new, right? That girl is loco! Am I right?

*High five*

Anywaaaays...she has been waiting for me to "come to a head" of sorts, but she's delusional. I own her ass for the next 4-7 days, and even then, if I play my cards right, I may scar...or at least turn into a piece of dry skin she can't ever get rid of...so you know, I have options, I am always planning for the future. I mean,you have to in my profession, or else you may end up on someone's ass, and everyone knows ass pimples are tools.

339 comments:

1 – 200 of 339   Newer›   Newest»
J.Danger said...

"ass pimples are tools"

Holy shit Brittany!

I HATE lip zits! They are the worst! And they hurt to no end!

Jennifer said...

OMG what a nightmare! I feel your pain--I have been there. It's like--ok, I can write off the next 5 days of my life. Then you're in the bathroom every five seconds checking to see if it's "better."

You have my condolences.

ali said...

What's worse than a lip zit? The one I've got on my neck that I've squeezed so hard I now have bruise. And trying to cover it up with make up only makes it look like a hickey:(

HappyHourSue said...

LMAO!!!!! You are hysterical. Only you would get a gangsta zit.

threeboys1mommy said...

High five!

Brooke said...

DUDE. My condolences. Try a hot tea bag poultice. It burns a bit but sometimes it works. And it looks a little less stupid than toothpaste. If that doesn't work, just embrace the herpes. Dress like a whore and hang out near rest stops until it goes away. Might be more fun than cowering in the dark.

Aubrey said...

Bastard!
I've been over here battling it's cousin. 5 days now...it's right under my left nostril. You may have "herpes" but I have "perma booger" right now.

Bethany said...

I feel your pain. AJ's first day of kindergarten is in a week or so, and we have a meet-and-greet tomorrow morning, so OF COURSE.... when my complexion hears "first day of school" a zit automatically rears it's ole' head out! This one in particular is right between my nose and my upper lip, kinda hangin to the left a little. NICE.

The Mom said...

Son of a $%@#! that sucks! His gang are hanging out here this week too.

beth - total mom haircut said...

If it makes you feel any better I had one of those little ass holes keeping me up the other night it was so damn painful. It's the middle of the night and I'm in bed in the dark trying to pop my cheek zit. Bad, very bad.

AJ said...

I get the lip zits in the summer too, but luckily enough, I have the cold sore virus [I call it that instead of herpes:)], too. Thank God for famvir. Normally, I can take that at the first tingle and they stay surpressed. The only problem is that is the same drug they give for genital herpes and HIV, so when I go to pick up my prescription, I feel pretty cool.

Stupid college boyfriend giving me a life long disease. Oh well, at least it's just the lip variety, it could be worse!

Jo-Jo said...

Ever since I started swimming in the salt water pool (yeah you'd think that would be better then clorine!) the gang has been hanging here as well...like all the time! If you get rid of that nasty thing, give a girl some pointers!

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL lip zits suck !! A rusty safety pin needle .........ouch !!

Deb said...

Funny stuff! I had to read it a few times it was so great, lol!

Ben Hameen said...

I know this sounds stupid, but give Prep H a try - its whole reason for living is to reduce swelling. And if you can't bring yourself to buy hemorrhoid cream, just make your husband buy it (although he may have some already).

Keep fighting the good fight...

Brittany said...

Danger...I KNOW! I even had ice on it for a bit it hurt so bad!

Jennifer...Thank you. I can't wait for the day to come where I can venture back outside in public.

Ali...HA! I can imagine how seriosuly painful that is! And you just can't help but touch it all the time!

Sue...I know, he keeps throwing up gang signs and singing Tupac...it's the worst.

Threeboys...Don't encourage him.

Brooke...Oh good plan, any excuse to dress like a hooker!

Aubrey...Oh man, that is painful too!

Bethany...Hmmm...maybe paint it brown like a Cindy Crawford mole?

Jen...What is with the uprising!?

Beth...Oh no, you need a mirror to make sure you don't have blood oozing out!

AJ...Oh man, that sucks! Why are they called cold sores? Do they only happen in the winter?

JoJo...Really!? I would think the salt water would be cleansing, and that the salt would dry it out.

MommyMayhem...Yeah...I was desperate.

Deb...Why thanks:)

Ben...Um...I am gonna go ahead and send the hubs out for that one, I'll keep you updated.

Mekhismom said...

I wonder what goes on in your mind because you come up with the funniest most unusual stuff. This is great. I came by for my daily Brittany laugh fix and you did not disappoint.

Natalie said...

once again you make me laugh. i am honestly surprised you didn't take a picture though. from the description i think i'm glad!

get well soon!

dddiva said...

You are a freaking riot. I kind of stumbled my way to your blog and have been laughing ever since.
I am happy to tell you it does not go away, ever. You will stay you. (And, you are the first person I have ever met who has even come close to admitting that hell some days I wouldn't put up with me if I had any choice but people love me anyways.)
Your bangs- nothing! Try a full haircut on Morphine and Demerol. Yep, tyvm. It grew out. Eventually.
Spiders- OH hey I can so totally help you there. If you are ever, ever alone (or the freaking morons in your life aka your family won't come to your rescue) I have the perfect solution on my blog on one of my earlier posts http://www.myloonyverse.com/2008/06/girlie-girl-versus-spider.html
Anyways really just wanted to let you know I am enjoying your blog and adding it to my list so I can stalk I totally mean see what you are up to.

schwartz said...

OMG you need to STOP huffing so much! Whip cream is for dessert and sex, not getting high!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Hehehe I have one too! One of my girlfriends has a honker too. When I saw her I started laughing and pointing at it. She was pretty offended, that is, until she saw mine!

Swirl Girl said...

every time I get a cold , and have to blow my nose..i get mulitple nostril pimples. It is herpes simplex plain and simple. They are not too bad until they actually start to heal , then they get all scabby and more noticeable than Nanny McPhee's warts and dog tooth.

Anyone looks at me cross, I'll wipe my snot right on them....then they can have the pleasure of the cold that doesn't ever go away.

Brittany said...

Oh god that was a funny ass post! F'ing HIGH-larious.

Dude- there is nothing like a giant zit to take you down a notch. I hate them. Lip zits, especially because they hurt. My heart goes out to you.

Jamie said...

Goodness this was funny!! I feel for you though I hate zits - especially huge ones!!!

H.E.Eigler said...

you rock zit sista....

I get mine just before 'Aunt Flo' arrives. Like it doesn't suck enough, i gotta break out too.

Leah said...

Wash your face with first morning urine. It is the best thing for your skin. I saw that on some discovery channel show.

lamb said...

THAT is an example of a PERFECTLY placed high five. brilliant

JenniBeanV said...

Oh lipzit, please go away from Brittany's face! But, don't come here...go see Angelina Jolie!

Angi said...

Perhaps if you HAVE to go out in public, leave the toothpaste on...it will look stupid, sure, but nobody will think it's herpes... ;)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Dear Lipzit,

I can't believe you didn't take a picture of yourself to show us!

Love,
Nanny Goats

Sandy C. said...

OMFG...you never cease to amaze :)

Seriously, those lipzits HURT! Good luck with the toothpaste.

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

Seriously, you are killing me! That's hysterical and tell your lipzit its twin decided to come pay me a visit on my nose and I have done unspeakable acts of chemical-burn on his nasty ass. so THERE! Taking one for the team.

Fiesty Charlie said...

OK... first back of the face...

Second tell Brittany to go to my page and look at "Painting Conformity." She helped inspire it... and I want the world to know that she inspires some crazy ass things...

Just saying!

Last, if I know her, she will squeeze you til your head pops and then you laugh at your inability to do bigger and better things. She will win the war!

Emiline said...

Ughhh I hate zits. Those lip ones are awful. I like to cover them up with gobs of makeup.

Suzie said...

I'm scared to comment lest you come a calling at my house and face. Back you nasty zit back!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

OMG! That is the funniest post evah! You are way too funny!

Charity said...

Hah! Beyond relatable...and the worst part is when you have no one to blame but yourself for touching it in the first place.

We all know that fork in the road, where the devil is on one shoulder holding a tube of toothpaste nudging your index fingers together. The angel is there too, all clear complexioned, sitting in lotus position with hands neatly on her lap. You swiftly swat that uppity bitch off and give that pimple hell...only to be begging the clear skin angel to reappear moments later when things don't go as planned.

Okay not exactly your next Proactive spokesperson here but I tried ;)

You are freakin' hillarious!

Brittany said...

Mekhismom...Lots and lots of scary things:)

Natalie...I wanted to take a picture, but hubby said that would be crossing a taste line.

dddiva...HA! Thanks for stumbling upon me:) And yes, I have NO SHAME! None! My mother goes to confession on my behalf daily!

Schwartz...I know! BUt dude, I won't even let you see it, it's so pussy!

Judy...Oh I love the point and laugh...unless it's done to me:)

Swirl...OH GROSS! remind me not to point out your nose zit! I would die if you wiped snot on me!

Brittany...It's humbling.

Jaime...Especially ones that refuse to pop!

H.E...See, mine is here mid cycle, so I guess it isn't hormone related...what the crap!?

Leah...Um. Um.

Lamb...THANK YOU!

Jenni...For real, that bitch has waaaaay to much good shit going for her right now.

Angi...Just some weird Michael Jackson skin disease!

Nanny....Dude, are you triple dog daring me!?!?!?!?!

Sandy...Thanks, it is not even phasing it though!

Anissa...I need oxy pads, except the chemicals would takeoff my spray tan:)

Charlie...I wish I could squeeze it, but no dice...it's not taking any hints.

Emiline...Would yo ubelieve I have NO MAKEUP to cover it up with? I don't wear it, only eye shadow and mascara...I am fucked.

Suzie...Like zit karma!?

Jenn....Thanks pumpkin! See how I used a veggie to describe you, in honor of your veggie burgers and veggie cheesecake:)

Charity...I love ya doll, move over Jessica Simpson!

Elizabeth said...

OMG! Too funny! Beat that nasty zit Brit, beat it good!

American in Norway said...

Can I just say this is the friggen funniest post I have read in ..... I dunno how long....

Got to add you to my blog roll.!

Casey said...

Dear Britney's Blemish:
I am writing you this letter to say that you should leave her alone. She really hasn't done anything to you. So That is all I wanted to say and I think you should just go away and leave her (and her ass for that matter) alone.

-Casey

Raging Dad said...

Only thing worse than the lip zit is the back zit. He comes by my place every once in a while. My wife has a perverse fascination with showing him who is boss. Nothing more romantic than when your spouse is squeezing on a back zit that you cannot reach. Ah, love.

Tena said...

Classic!
I hope you are able to put that POS in it's place, hate getting zits. Oddly happens more now than when I was going through puberty

How to Party with an Infant said...

I left you an award over at my blog. Every guy I've known (or every guy's ass I've ever known) has ass pimples. Weird.

Weith Kick said...

I just had a big ass zit a few weeks ago and I too wrote about it. I never get zits. Your zit sounds a lot like mine. Except you pop your zits and I just let mine run their course. Do you just have one big white head or several tiny ones? Where is the picture of your zit? I wanna see it!!!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Wow. Sometimes you just leave me jaw hanging there. This is such the life of a zit. You kill me.

How is that babymaking going over there?
Jen

Shelly... said...

So, another day has passed. Are you on the road to recovery yet?

Melissa said...

wanna console yourself? Go to www.youtube.com and type in "zit". There are some unbelievable zits out there! Some should probably be called "abcesses" though.

EatPlayLove said...

Is it officially time to get a huge zit when you haven't had one in years month?

I think it is.

Momo Fali said...

How is MY zit writing YOUR post?! Amazing.

Jennifer said...

Hello Guest Poster! This is Guest Commenter, the Festering Zit on the chin of Happily-Ever-After-Land. Yeah, she's not so HAPPY anymore! Heh heh heh. I hadn't thought of the lip/herpes angle. Totally using that next time. Peace out!

Carrie said...

I'm dyin' here! I thought I was the only one who stuck toothpaste on my zits. Hope you win the battle soon.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Oh no your di'in't!! You are goin' down--tell your friend's on my face they are toast too.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Oh no your di'in't!! You are goin' down--tell your friend's on my face they are toast too.

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