Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Notes from my box

Hey Sweetie, what's up?

I am well, really really well. I have been glued to CNN lately, I've got the veep fever these days, you know me, a real political addict, Obama '08 baby. But yeah, things have really picked up around here for me, and of course, I have you to thank for that. I mean, it was kinda like a ghost town for a while, but now, ya know, I'm a busy busy bee.

Buzz, buzz,buzzz.

Anywaaays...

I also really wanted to thank you for the spa day the other day. The mud bath was heaven, the hot tub...ohh, those jets always hit in all the right places, and the waxing, well...that was actually quite painful, but necessary, so thank you. I feel rejuvenated, like a teenage version of myself, except with less hair and little looser around the center, but hey, who isn't these days, am I right?

I just thank fucking God we never went through with that piercing, imagine explaining that one to the kiddos!

Ahem.

But, yeah, what I am actually wanting to talk to you about is the bathroom. You are completely out of toilet paper.

Did you know that?

This is actually the second day, and since I see you are still in your pajamas and nursing some kind of huge, puss filled facial growth, is it safe to assume you won't be going to the store today? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not life or death, but maybe put some napkins on the stairs so you remember to grab them on your way up? Orrrr...maybe some kleenex? Baby wipes? Notebook paper? Anything?

Because if you touch a nasty tissue you dug out of the trash, or some dirty undershirt your husband left on the bathroom floor to my lips again, I will fucking kill you. You don't even let your food touch on your plate, how is it your are ok with cleaning up with a phlegmy rag or one of Pit Stains McGee's old t shirts?

Now stop being a douche and act like a lady for Christ sakes!

xoxo
Your Vagina

44 comments:

J.Danger said...

OMG. Totally awesome! You are unbelievable.

Mekhismom said...

I am speechless. Enough said.

Threeboys1mommy said...

I think all this blog fame has finally gone to your head. Your all "I'm so pimp, today I'm gonna let vajayjay take over, and they'll read it, cuz I'm awesome!" I can't wait to hear what the disgruntled toe next to the toe ring toe has to say.

Casey said...

I prefer the term "Lady Envelope" to Vagina personally. :) LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI7kalP5XEM&feature=user

BTW that is like my favorite skit on youtube it is ridiculous.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Your body is taking over the brain to blog... gotta love it. When will the "ta-tas" be posting something?

I am such a "ta-tas" gal that I will stand in line the night before to wait for them to hit publish, so I can be the first comment!

Wait... why do I think you are fishing for a compliment? I mean I could say, "your vagina rocks!" But, people might start talking!

{grin}

Your body does rock, but so does that twisted brain of yours.... damn do I see more art churning around behind my eyeballs?

AJ said...

OMG, I'm ashamed to admit I've done both of those things too. Even paper towels would have been better, but I just can't remember them sometimes. It's better than 'drip drying' right?

Jamie said...

I'm with mekhismom - totally speechless......

JenniBeanV said...

Not "Notes From My Girly Wallet"?

Also, I am a hard core no-food-on- my-plate-should-touch girl.

Tena said...

your entries just get better and better! I am so glad I had finished my diet coke before reading your blog!!
Classic!

Mommie Mayhem said...

Wow you gets notes from your girly parts. My lady V still hasn't forgiving me for the Third Degree Episiotomy Tear during my 1st birth. Maybe I should send her flowers!

Carolyn...Online said...

My goodness your vagina is so helpful and polite. And literate.

Slick said...

lol...what in the hell could I add to this one??

Nuttin!

kittie said...

Ok, so first of all, this is the first time I have been by your blog (though don't know how I missed it before now...)

Secondly.... whaaaaaaat???

Weith Kick said...

I wonder if there is a fetish club for collecting phlegmy rags used for duel purposes. I may have to start one.

lamb said...

im a complete tool. i didnt realize it was your vagina talking until the closing. someone hit me.

Brittany said...

Should I just apologize to you all right now? You know me,always look for a new low to sink to:)

And I LOVE the word lady envelope!

Casey said...

I knew you would ;) You're my Boo. (I dont know what that means but I saw it on Making the Band!)

The Mom said...

Classic!

I would have peed my pants if you later saw you husband wearing THAT shirt from the bathroom floor!

Charity said...

Did you already even use the cardboard roll for the toilet paper? That has saved my ass a couple times...just sayin'

Keep bringin' it, girl, I love it!

American in Norway said...

OMG You have the BEST blog EVER... I think I could hang out here all day.... And the comments you get.... FRIGGEN Funny..

Jennifer said...

I'm glad to hear your vajayjay is pro Obama!

kel said...

I'm laughing. As always!

ali said...

Well, I guess she told you, huh?!

Leah said...

You (you you, not vajayjay you) have an award waiting on my site...stop on by!

Asianmommy said...

Hilarious!

Swirl Girl said...

If I said I was speechless, well then I would be full of speech.
Maybe in total and complete awe would be the word.

You could always plug in the hair dryer instead of paper - just stay away from the curling iron.

Allison said...

What did the Pink Taco say about the tic? Was she upset or was she enjoying the company?

flickrlovr said...

God, I love you.

HappyHourSue said...

If there were Blogger Awards for "Best Guest Post" it would go to Brittany's Front Butt.

Elizabeth said...

You had me going until the end - vagina? Perfect! I applaud your originality - and honestly, you speak the truth!

Jo-Jo said...

Who of us hasn't done that?! I think only you would blog about it though! But hey, that is why we love you!

Jennifer said...

Hmmmm, haven't done the t-shirt. I tend to just shake it off. Unless, of course, it's a #2. And then I'm just screwed.

Sandy C. said...

Notebook paper? YIKES! If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.

I'm a total drip dryer in desperate times.

Carrie said...

Holy crap--that is funny...You must go see this video http://www.broadcaster.com/clip/28675

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I want those leopard print peep toes!!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

LOL! You are way too funny!

Chris Wood said...

Wrong! I bought toilet paper yesterday. I bet you feel pretty silly now.

How to Party with an Infant said...

This post needs to win, like, a Golden Globe or something. Seriously funny, like I'm dying.

http://partywithaninfant.blogspot.com

Brittany said...

Hey Britt's Box- I have given Brittany an award. Can you tell her to visit my blog to pick it up?

Thanks!
Sincerely,
other Brittany

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Dude do I need to have a conversation with your zit again? It needs to go so you can treat your lips with the quilted softness they deserve.

Emiline said...

I need to pay attention to the titles of your posts. I was about two paragraphs in before I figured out who was talking.

SO funny! I'm never get the toilet paper! I always let someone else do it. I will use napkins if I have to.

Bethany said...

UMM... I didn't realize it was your cha-cha talking until way into the post! LOL GO GET SOME T.P.!

IRISHKAT said...

Oh my frickin goodness! That was so hilarious!! I would hate to see what mine would say to me....

Raging Dad said...

I am pretty sure I can't touch this one. (Speaking of this post, not the box, of course. Wait, yeah, the box too I mean! Oh man, this comment is not going well...)

LiteralDan said...

I think the problem is that you're definitively NOT acting like a douche.