Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oral hygine

Hi folks! I am super busy ovulating today, but I just wanted to stop in and share a few things with you, then it's back to the grind, and by grind, I mean....well...you know.

1. I grew up with dogs. My mom is into dogs. My brother has dogs. I have a dog. In my lifetime we have raised and showed cocker spaniels, Great Danes, and lastly, pugs. I hate cats. For all these reasons, I have always fancied myself a dog person. Because that is how it works, right? Cats boo, dogs yay?

But, swear to Baby Jesus, I am not a dog person. I think they are swell. I love my little Henry pug to death.


But, I am not equipped to care for something that with anal leakage. I mean, I am not sure of the medical term for him leaving this rank juice where ever he sits, but I can't handle it. It's like the smell you can't wash off, especially when it comes into contact with your skin. I went a whole week not being able to smell my right arm once. And, I take him to the vet, and he...I don't know...pumps the gland...milks the glad...I can't say for sure what he does exactly, I am always curled up in the corner diverting my eyes while I sing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall as I try to stop dry heaving.

And then today, things went to a whole new level. Turns out, Henry the pug ate some dental floss yesterday. A little out of character for him, but hey, I guess it happens, I mean, it's cinnamon flavored, who doesn't love that (besides me, starting today).

So, I let him out this morning while I check my email, he does his thing, comes back in, and then I see it. A string coming out of his butt! Like a fucking creepy pull string doll from the 70's!

So, somebody had to pull it out, and I couldn't talk my toddler into doing it...

So yeah. I'm not a dog person.

2. I know right, how can I follow a story about butt juice and half pooped out dental floss? With family pictures, of course! Yep, we had our family pictures taken last weekend (even though the boys refused to smile, I got stung by a bee, and my husband fell in a creek), so I thought I would share one with you, if nothing else, to cleanse your mind of the image of me pulling a string out of my dog's anus like a fortune out of a fortune cookie.


Happy Thursday everyone!

Where's the Purell and the vodka?

44 comments:

Jennifer said...

OMG--milking the glands and dental floss in butt! Why do dogs have to be so gross! One time my mom had to "massage" her dogs private part w/ rubber gloves and a cup of hot water b/c it was "stuck" out.

That's a beautiful family portrait! I think it was worth a bee sting and a near drowning!

Mr. Noodle said...

I am definitely not an anything person when it comes to pets. And after reading this I remember why! I see people here in the city walking their dogs with thier little plastic bags to pick up the poo with and I have to ask "Is having a dog THAT important?" I refuse to put myself in a position where I have to pick up the poo of anything!

Nice Picture though!

Mr. Noodle

Angie's Spot said...

And this is reason 4,193 that I will always adore Pugs from afar. Gland milking and butt floss pulling? Ewwwwww.

Great family pic! Sorry for the mayhem that apparently surrounded it.

threeboys1mommy said...

I'm not a pet person either, but my husband is. I think thats what they refer to as the balance of nature. Beautiful picture, BTW family portraits are so much funner w/ a 3rd baby, wait and see.

Shelly... said...

Thanks for the laugh. First though I want to say I LOVE the frowns on your kids faces! You are all a great looking family!
I can totally relate about the anal glad leakage and having to pull things out of their butt. God I have done it more than I care to even think about. I even had a Boston Terrier whose butt I had to wipe EVERY time he did his business! And, I refuse to even be in the same room anymore with the vet when they are doing their anal gland magic. My sister and I were just talking last night about anal glands and she said her dogs probably need it done. I'm babysitting them for a few weeks and there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm even going to go there! She does it by herself too. Gag.

Kat & Josh said...

I feel your pain with the dental floss. Only in our case it was a used maxi pad. Let me set the scene; early morning walk with the dogs (we have 3). The sun is shining, the birds are singing when Roxie stops to do her thing.

She seems to be taking longer than normal and the boys are getting restless knowing that they have another half mile of "pee-mail" to check.

I look over to see that she is straining to beat the band but without any progress. Upon closer inspection I see the used, half eaten maxi pad. Bloody HELL!

I KNOW the only way to get on with the walk is to help her out. (Thank GOD for poop bags.) I double bagged my hand and grabbed ahold of the pad and pulled. Out it came and I looked up just in time to see my neighbor staring at me with the most disgusted look I have ever seen.

I said, "gross huh? For the full effect, I'll let you pull next time." Off we went on our walk, although I never walk in front of that house anymore. Oh the shame.

AJ said...

I'm not a cat person either, in fact I'm allergic, and my step sister tricked me into taking one. I used to have a cat that would eat tinsel off of the christmas tree. Same situation. Hurl!

Probably way TMI, but we are ovulating scarily close together:)

Super cute family pic!

Average Girl In Average World said...

OMFG. I have heard of the "glands" most groomers cleanse them when they groom your dog - but hey not everyone can afford a groomer *cough - me - cough*

My dog eat my hairbrush - and my hair is mid-back and she too had a poop string hanging. How come Mom always has to do the nasty things??

Good looking family you have there :)

Fiesty Charlie said...

Here is hoping you get everything you want out of all that grinding....

My kid keeps asking, "Momma what is so funny... why are you laughing so hard?"

I just can't help it! You rock!

Carolyn...Online said...

Well, who hasn't pulled some non-shit out of their dog's ass?

And the frowns - way better than the fake full teeth smile.

Weith Kick said...

"Rank juice?" Gross.

We had a similar issue with the dental floss coming our cat's ass (luckily we have dog that doesn't eat weird things). We didn't pull it out though. We cut if off with scissors in little increments. Cut, wait a day or so for more floss to come out and cut again. Cut, wait, cut. Cut, wait, cut. I'm not sure which method is better, your's or our's. I think maybe your's because you get it over with all at once.

BTW, nice family pics.

Allison said...

1. I understand the cat thing. Can we still be friends? My cat has poo issues too. And he eats Q-tips. I might call you if one comes out. I couldn't do it. Props.

2. Did you kidnap Sean Preston and Jayden James?

Jozette said...

well, did the cinnamon flavored floss at least spruce up his smelly butt?

that was the best story i've read, like, ever.

hilarious.

J.Danger said...

That my friend, is why cats rule and dogs drool...put he sure is cute!

But you and your family are even cuter! I love that he is holding a car. Of course there is a car in your family photo! Of course.

Jamie said...

Well since I have been outed by my blogroll as a offical lurker....I must sadly say I have experience this very situation. Mine was not floss..but human hair my dog ate. Let me tell you , you don't realize how long your hair has grown unitl you have to lull a strand out your dogs butt!!!
Love your dog...I just sadle lost my English bulldog. So hug them why you got them..even though they are just 1 more child to take care off!!

PS. I had been meaning to officially ask your permission to add you to my blog roll...I just din't get around to it befoe I was outed!! Thanks for the comment, I did rely.

See ya!

Swirl Girl said...

You're lucky the dog didn't eat corn on the cob....

and great family photo!

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

I am not sure if I can talk to you anymore if you hate cats...;)
My cat is awesome...but she has asthma and is an obsessive licker.

Your family portrait is very cute though! The expression on your boys' faces are priceless!

The Mom said...

Ooh you can invent dog tampons for dogs in heat!

The visuals of today will haunt me all weekend.

Bethany said...

First let me ask... is it only pugs that need their anal glands squeezed? B/C That for sure right there would make me NEVER EVER want one.

I feel ya on the dental floss though. I once had to keep myself from up-chucking in my mouth once to pull grass out the dogs butt. THAT is why people think I'm a crazy whack-job for keeping a butt load of rubber gloves handy.... Never know when your gonna need em'! :)

P.S. I now will never use cinnamon dental floss again. seriously.

Bethany said...

Sorry.... forgot to add that your family portrait turned out kinda awesome, all considering. :)

Dejoni said...

I had a chocolate lab with the same problem. Every time I see a pair of rubbermaid gloves I think of the horrible thing I had to do...UCK!
The picture is great and your boys are gorgeous!
Good luck on the getting pregnant...practice makes perfect!

Mekhismom said...

My aunt has a pug. Milking the glands is nasty to think about let alone having to do it. Sorry for the butt floss.

The family portrait is cute.

Casey said...

I already sent you an email about your family pictures... but I will say it here for the world to see.. Your family is beautiful and you're gonna have 2 heart breakers on your hands when they get older, and maybe the next batch (should to ovulating thing go your way) will bring some beautiful princesses?! :)

I am in stitches over here laughing about everything in the #1 section. I had 2 cocker spaniels growing up... one had a skin disease and always smelled like hot garbage... The other one had a lip situation where he drooled way to much. Oh and had constant ear infections. They both are in doggie heaven now. As for milking glands and butt juice, I cant say we ever had that issue, however they did like to do the butt scoot across the carpet alot. Which was gross. But yours is gross on so many more levels lol.

Your blog is fantastic.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Ew!

Love the family pic though!

Emiline said...

I seriously feel sick right now. Ohhh...

That's a great pictures of you guys though. It still isn't enough to erase the image of your dog running around with a string hanging out of his ass, and juices flying everywhere.

Aubrey said...

Oh Man! That was a hard read! My sister and I both have pugs too. She is always getting mad at her for "letting his butt GO". LOL
I don't think I could have handled the floss. GAG reflex in effect!

BTW, great family photo!

Jo-Jo said...

Ok, seriously, I love the family picture! You guys look great! But as great as you look there is no way you can get the image of anal glands and butt floss out of my mind!

Brittany said...

Jennifer...I would die. I hate when Henry gets all excited and has his "lipstick out."

Mr. Noodle...Yeah, I don't think I could pick up hot dog poop with a bag.

Angie...Well they really are lovely, just keep their glands milked.

Threeboys...I can't wait! Three kids not smiling and throwing rocks at each other!

Shelly...She does it herself! OMG, the smell is enough to make me gag, I can't imagine having it shoot out at me!

Kat...Oh shit! That is hilarious! I am so surprised this hasn't happened to me yet! SO gross!

AJ...Seriously, are you trying? We can test on the same day, it will be super fun!

Average girl...I know, my hubby wanted no part in it, and my boys wouldn't go near it...damn, why do I have to do EVERYTHING!?

Charlie...Aww thanks! I hope so too!

Carolyn...This is true, at least we have realism!

Weith...HAHAHAHA! I guess i could have done that!

Allison...1. Yes, fine, we can still be friends. Just don't forward me the stupid cat pictures of them doing silly things labeled with bad grammar. 2. I have joint custody with KFed.

Jozette...Thanks! And no, it didn't help the smell...and I can never floss my teeth with that scent again!

Danger...OF COURSE there is a car in the picture, we would all die otherwise:)

Jaime...Hello lurker! Now that you are out, you better stay out:) I am so sorry you lost your puppy, I know it is so hard to go through. And you absolutely have my permission to have me on your blog roll, I am honored, thanks!

Swirl...Um yeah...I wouldn't pull a corn cob out of his butt.

Jenn...We can still be friends...just no sandpaper tongue for me:)

Jen...At least I know I will be on your mind:)

Bethany...Um, I think there are other gland milking dogs, but I am SO stocking up on rubber gloves.

Dejoni...It's funny how such disgusting events can taint things.

Mekhismom...Thanks, and I am sure your aunt knows exactly what I am talking about!

Casey...Oh love, alas, I am incapable of producing girls, only wieners for me:) And if Henry so much as scoots his butt across my new carpet, he will be buried beneath it!

Judy...Thanks, and yes, EW!

Emiline...Yeah, i used the family pic to soften the blow.

Aubrey...Do you have the same problems? My mom's pugs do, so it must be a pug thing.

JoJo...HAHAHA! I am so sorry to have destroyed any hope of a anal free thought process for you tonight:)

Mommie Mayhem said...

Purell in the bathroom and I dont have any vodka .... but I have rum. Rum and diet coke. Will get you buzzed without the ass fat !!Care for a drink :)

Mommie Mayhem said...

PS. I love the family photo and the dog is a cutie !!

Mommie Mayhem said...

pss .... Don't forget you are our featured blogger tomorrow at mommie Mayhem :)

Amy said...

Reasons why I am a dog person: the anal glad squeezing, butt wiping, and string eating doesn't phase me one bit.

Reasons I may not be a baby person: Changing diapers makes me want to hurl. Violently.

PS. It's 14 bucks well spent at the vet to get Hope's anal glands squeezed every once in a while. Brian doesn't have that problem.

And to the chick who asked if it's just a pug problem, no, but it's more common in small dogs. Most larger dogs have, to be as non-graphic as possible, solid and large enough poos to express the glands naturally when going #2.

So um, I'll come squeeze Henry's butt juice every other week if you come change my future potential babies diapers. Every day. Fair trade, no?

ali said...

So....when you pulled the string did he say "I want big hug" ? Hee hee. Nice family picture!

Jen said...

Hahaha! That totally reminds me of my old cat. We used to decorate our xmas tree with those cute little icicle thingys.... until my cat decided that they may be tasty treats. Well needless to say we found her more than once with tinsel hanging out of her rear!

Brandy said...

You have such a beautiful family Brittany! Hope another one is on the way for you as of this cycle!

Sandy C. said...

Dude, I'm a nurse. And I've cleaned plenty of poop. But this...this...this imagery takes the cake.

Hope this doesn't get in the way of the...Bow-chika-bow-wow :)

Good luck!

p.s. Gorgeous family shot.

mara said...

I have a cat, a very cat-like cat; you know, skittish and freaked out by any too-quick movement. One time she ate some thread. A very, very long piece of thread. She pooped a bit out, it scared the fuck out of her and she proceeded to tear around the entire apartment from couch to tv stand to desk to MY BED etc dragging a poop covered string behind her. She continued to poop as she ran. Gross, gloopy poop.

I hate you for making me remember that.

Redeemed yourself with the awesome photo though. LOVE it.

LiteralDan said...

Purell, vodka, family pictures-- nothing will clean that image away.

I don't know about myself --we'll see in time-- but I'm betting his ruination of floss for you means you'll have total decay and completely false teeth by 50.

Emily said...

I think the correct term is "expressing" the anal glands. We've had to have that done to my cat before (although we did it before she started having anal leakage issues *shudder*).

I love the family pic!

Leah said...

Imagine having to pulls a condom...used...out of a dogs butt. My friends dog ate a used condom (yea the sick you know whats didn't throw the damn thing away) and they had to pull it out! Serves them right!

flickrlovr said...

Only you would be able to talk about doggy anal leakage and butt flossing and then show us a pretty family picture in the next breath. ONLY you, Britt.

And um, you guys are HAWT.

The boys are friggin' AY-dorable! With an AY. God they're cute. Can I eat them?

Hope the bumpin' and grindin' is going well ;)
Can't wait to hear about another babay on the way-way. Don't ask me why I'm rhyming. You just make me do strange things.

Lori said...

We were watching J's boss's dog this weekend. I came home from work on Friday and the dog forgot who I was and expressed his anal glands all over my kitchen floor. BARF!!!!

And onetime Grant ate part of a large rope . . . I saw him running around the backyard w/red yarn coming out his pooper. Again, BARF, when I had to pull it out!!!

And lol at oral hygiene!! :)

Sra said...

It's not often that I laugh out loud while reading blogs, but your anal leakage dental floss story did it for me. Kudos!

American in Norway said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth... The dog my kids want... Nope... N E V E R gonna happen