Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Disenfranchised.

It is 8:30 am.

I am eating a cold chicken burrito from Chipotle.

In bed.

No beans. Extra rice. Extra guac.

It could be because I woke up starving and if I did not immediately eat something rightfuckingnow I would throw up right then and there in bed, and instead of bringing me crackers or toast like any sane person would do, my husband stumbled downstairs in his underwear and brought me the first shiny thing he found in the fridge.

Or maybe, the half asleep bumbling oaf act is really part of his super secret scheme to make it look like he just grabbed whatever he could, but really his plan was to feed me my burrito of weakness, thus confining me to the bathroom for the rest of the day so he wouldn't have to look me in the eye after putting me through a night of sheer hell, rendering me incapable of attending my 7 am much anticipated Joe Biden rally today, because Mr. Worky the Late Shift got pulled over on his way home at 3am for "swerving out of sheer exhaustion," only to find out that of the billions of tickets he gets every year (Hello, I have never had a speeding ticket or a cavity. Which makes me, by default, better than you), he apparently forgot to pay one that now snowballed in a suspended license, causing him to call me at 3am, begging me to wake up the two toddlers that finally went to sleep after screaming in molar teething terror for 1938475638 hours, so that I could come pick him up on the side of the highway, as he could not legally drive one more inch because Jesusfuckingchrist he is a criminal, a criminal who refused to put the cop on the phone so I could tell him just how much of a pain in the ass I think they both are for calling me at this hour, as both of them are clearly without soul because all I wanted to do was get more than 2 hours of sleep before heading out before sunrise to get prime seats near to Joey B and shout important things like Change, and Hope, O-ba-ma like they do on all the rallies I watch on CNN, and then I would get to meet Joe and he would see I am clearly the shiny voice of young(ish) America, and ask me to join them on the fun bus and probably get a free t shirt, and eat places for free, and kiss babies, and cut ribbons, and do all the fun things I was totally born to do. But, no. We didn't get home until 6am. The boys just went to sleep and hour ago. No fun bus for me. Goodbye destiny.

The burrito is really good though.

47 comments:

Jennifer said...

OMG--what a nightmare.

Once my husband was at an office Christmas party--stayed too long and drank too much--and fell asleep on the train on the way home. He woke up in the middle of nowhere at 2 a.m. and, of course, called me to save him. I never let him forget that!

Sorry you missed the Fun Bus!

Amanda said...

Wow, that was some evening!!
You deserve the burrito, a foot rub, and someone to wait on you all day!

ali said...

Sorry you missed out on the Obama and Biden rally:( I hear Girls Gone Wild has a fun bus and you get a free t-shirt, too. I think they are probably used to dealing with puking girls too.

Tasha said...

Ahaha. At least he meant well. I looooove to eat in bed. However, a chicken burrito sounds messy. Hope the MS goes away soon! :P

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Aw the fun bus and all! I would have laid in bed and called him a cab or his mother to go and get him...I'm pretty mean like that.

DCD said...

Clearly he has some major sucking up to do! Waking the kids is the worst.thing.ever.

I had to do that last year when the oldest had croup - get them both in the car and drive 1/2 an hour to the 24 hour pharmacy. Sucks in the worst way possible.

Hope tonight is a better night!!

kel said...

Um...that beats the hell out of my bf leaving the toilet seat down. I'll stop complaining now.

Mekhismom said...

Sounds like a difficult evening! At least you got to eat your favorite although I am afraid of the repercussions.

Average Girl In Average World said...

O Lordy!!! Now he's a criminal? You really know how to pick 'em. (insert sarcasm).

Oh, did you tell the MIL or your MOM before telling us? (insert sarcasm - again)

You should stay in bed all day and make hubby wait on you and take care of the boys because of the mental anguish he put you through last night *wink, wink*

Stacey said...

you totally just gave me a craving for chipotle!!!!!!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

I don't know that the Obama camp would have let you on the fun bus, what with your criminal husband and your baby bump.

I could see O'Reilly salivating now, "The pregnant girl on the bus is believed to be Bidens illegitimate unwed daughter." You know they'd spin it that way, so really Chipotle in bed is win, win for all of us.

Tuesday Girl said...

God, now I need to go to Chipotle.

The Mom said...

Sorry you missed the rally and hubby is on bike-to-work duty. That sucks!

I love that run-on sentence, totally how my mind works.

Anxiously awaiting my BH Codes! ;)

mara said...

I love this post.

Blessings From Above said...

Yikes, what a mess! (Of course I meant your husbands situation and not the burrito in bed.)

He owes you big time now!!!

Not Just Any Jen said...

You are brave eating another burrito from there! What a night! Get some rest today.
Jen

SarahBendel said...

Screw that burrito- you deserve chocolate and icecream baby! Preferably in the same serving.

LazyCrazyMama said...

Amazingly, the burrito sounds awesome! :)

AJ said...

Um, goodbye destiny better equate to an awesome 'please forgive me' gift.

My husband came home at 3am one time (and he doesn't work the late shift, he was at a hockey game with some customers) and he wakes me up and says "Honey, you're gonna be mad, I just got brought home by the police." Apparently he got pulled over for speeding, and since he had been at a hockey game, he had had a few beers. He wasn't even drunk, but it doesn't take much to be over the limit, and the cop let him out of it this time. I let him know, had it not been a cool cop, I would not have picked him up from jail. No way!

Allison said...

Your husband gets NONE for at least two weeks.

Dejoni said...

Ain't it like a man to knock you up and then you have to drag your ass out of bed to go pick him up for a something he should have taken care of in the first place.
Tell him that pregnancy means you get to sleep...no matter what.

LiteralDan said...

That paragraph is a Monster of Awesome. I can just hear you spittin' it like Eminem or something.

You should have gone to the rally anyway, unless the guilt means your husband will somehow get you plane tickets to go see Obama himself somewhere. I'm sure he'll be spending plenty of time in Ohio.

I don't know why, but a cold, leftover burrito sounds so good right now. Better than cold pizza. Or hot either-of-them.

So are you going to be chauffeur for a while until his license gets reinstated?

Swirl Girl said...

Wow...take a deep breath and one more bite - sleep, sleep sleep

Shelly... said...

You are a far better wife than I would have been. I don't like to be woken up. Hope you get the sleep you need!

Carolyn...Online said...

That was the single greatest run-on sentence in the history of time.

alanna rose said...

Wow - that's all-around no good.

I'll stop being mad at my husband for bowling twice a week.

Are you craving ice cream yet?

Weith Kick said...

Still eating Chipolte, huh? tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sarah Palin sucks big donkey balls! and John McCain is an old geezer dog!!!

Joey B (aka Joey the Shark) Rules!!

Elisa said...

I have had a husband with a suspended license and I can testify it's a pain in the ass. And on top of it, I didn't have that delicious-sounding burrito. Someone get me a burrito, please!

JenniBeanV said...

Oh ho ho...

I would have told him to call his mother and then hung up on him...

lamb said...

holy shit. id be giving him a swift kick to the balls.

Emily said...

A needs a good swift kick in the ass for that one.

CENA @ My 'M' Spot said...

um, loved the whole story, but i really couldn't concentrate because (being prego too) i have to have a chipolte burrito RIGHT NOW. my husband just left to get me one....

Rachel said...

You had me at Chipotle.
I have nothing else to say because I must roust the kids from bed and drive 180 miles to the nearest Chipotle. Damn you woman.

:-)

sarah said...

i hate you. (but not really.)

once you mentioned chipotle, i couldn't focus on anything else in the blog. now that is all i want to eat.

at least you live somewhere the politicians want to come visit. i live in texas. the democrats have given up on us and the republicans just want our money. no fun busses ever come this way.

Anissa Mayhew said...

That was the longest sentence in the history of the world! You ROCK.

Are you still working that burrito out of your system? Cause, like, I really do want to know.

Jennifer said...

Well, and let's face it -- your nipples hurt too much to do all that energetic jumping around and such. So it was probably for the best.

Tena said...

your a better wive than I because I would have told him to heel toe his ass home!!! HA HA HA

Sandy C. said...

Not ONE cavity?

Jealous.

3am?

Just thinking about it hurts.

Heather said...

Have I mentioned lately that you have a parasite? That's why you puke so much.

Brittany said...

I say deprive him of sex for a week or two. That ougtta teach him to drive carefully and floss regularly.

Chipotle. Do you realize that your last blog post regarding chipotle has completely scared me off of EVER sampling their product? And here you are, preggers and eating it? Balls I tell you. Serious balls.

J.Danger said...

hmmm....a burrito? or biden? hmmmm....

The fam and I are moving to Canada if whats his name, on the OTHER ticket wins. Coming with? I hear you get like 2 years maternity pay over there.

Marie said...

That is one crappy night. Don't they know not to mess with a pregnant lady?

Get some good rest.

Asianmommy said...

Oh no--that's a terrible thing to do to a pregnant lady with 2 sleeping toddlers. On the other hand, mmmm...Chipotle!

Bethany said...

OMG THAT'S HORRIBLE, but I'm not sure which one... the burrito in bed that early in the AM or the having to wake sleeping babies up at 3AM. My momma always said... never wake a sleeping baby. Didn't that douche-bag cop listen to his momma?

jill jill bo bill said...

I am cracking up! And I craved anything wrapped in a flour tortilla when I was pregnant WITH MY DAUGHTER. I know it's a girl. I just know it!

Elizabeth said...

Joe Biden and Obama Rock - I"m so there with you! That being said - sorry about the whole miss-the-fun-bus-thing. Bummer. I think your hubby owes you big time - start collecting!

Lizzie Bennett said...

Chipotle is like crack. The barbacoa gets me every time. And are there any Chipotles in Montana??? NOOOOOO. Makes me wish I was pregnant so I could have an excuse to have it shipped in. Did I just say I wished I was pregnant? Oh man...

I, too, recently forgot to pay a speeding ticket and got a letter threatening to suspend my licence. Thanks for the reminder.