Friday, September 19, 2008

Grounded until your water breaks.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the nurse, the one where she rattles of a million medieval diseases, I nod no to them all, she gives me a captain's log worth of blood work scripts, and sends me on my way with a huge bag full of free shit...which is the only reason I got knocked up in the first place, I am a swag whore.

But, despite my killing of free changing pads, and a leather bound journal full of fetuses of the month, I still walked out with a cloud above my head.

Perhaps it was because, as I sat in the waiting room, I realized...I was the only one not texting on my sidekick and reading magazines with The Jonas Brothers on the front. I am 27...and I was the oldest pregnant person there. I was stuck in this sterile room full of little Junos, only younger...like Bangkok sex trade young...and they had on school uniforms, and low rider jeans, and shirts with the word Tease on them (ironically...must not be old enough to have covered vocab yet). And their poor mothers, the ONLY people in the room who looked remotely older than me, all had the same look of defeat on their faces, as they argued with their about to pop daughters why they could not, in fact, go to a party that evening and ditch their shift at the Olive Garden...again.

And, before you get all upset, I am totally hip to the fact that teen pregnancy seems to be all the rage these days. I mean, it's genius really, what better point in your life to pop one out, than when your body is guaranteed to instantaneously morph back into it's original shape, I mean, 14 years olds are made of rubber.

Gone are the original days of teen pregnancy, the Lorelei Gilmores have been pushed aside by the Jaime Lynns and Bristols, their idea of maternity wear is an empire waist tank from Wet Seal, as they plan their baby showers around their Sweet Sixteen parties.

Bitter?

Maybe...but only because I know it will take me a year of fasting and colonics to lose my baby belly.

And, as I walked out after my appointment, one of the mother daughter duos was in the parking lot, screaming at each other about the actual definition of bed rest, and how it doesn't include going to the movies with friends, and how the girl needs to grow up.

I am so happy my kids don't have ovaries.

P.S. I am pretty sure no one will leave me comments on this because I sound like a bitter old bat of a woman who yells at kids for walking on her grass...which is only the case because we just reseeded.

46 comments:

Asianmommy said...

Wow--I can't imagine being pregnant and having to get changed for gym class.

Jo-Jo said...

I remember only a year ago being one of the oldest in the waiting from at my OBGYN. WTF? And here I am 15 mths later with no resemblance of the body I had before the babies. Again...WTF?

alanna rose said...

Screw fasting and colonics - just breastfeed! I swear, it's like magic :)

PS - I yell at the neighbor boys when they run around on our freshly seeded grass, too.

Diane said...

Don't feel bad... my daughter tells me (often) I'm the oldest Mommy in her class. I was 34 when she was born. Oh, and by the way, I'm still carrying baby weight... and she's 9. Sigh.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Loverly post!!!

It is time to pass the torch to the next generation. But those girls did not have to throw it in your face, I mean , they could have waited in the car....

Yes, be glad your babies do not have ovaries. Now this one....yet to be determined. playing the Alpha female card is hard to explain to a crying 3 year old girl.

Lizzie Bennett said...

The teen pregnancy "fad" is beyond ridiculous right now. And don't feel old - you're already on number 3 and I, at almost 28, refer to my male dog as my boyfriend when people ask me if I'm dating anyone. So at least you beat me...

SarahBendel said...

A few months ago when we were discussing baby-time my husband said this, "When you have a girl, you have to worry about all the little.. (insert word that rhymes with blocks), when you have a boy on the other hand, you only have to worry about one." Just a little bit of my husband's shining sensitivity to brighten your day!

Marie said...

See, I would be pissed too if kids were stomping around on my grass and I had just reseeded. It's just not nice.

And holy crap. Can't believe so many girls are having kids as teens.

AJ said...

I feel like I was young when I started (my daughter was born 5 days before my 23rd birthday) and I still feel young and immature. I take her to ballet, and everyone is like 10 years older than me. Same with soccer, and teeball, which means that all these women are 10 years further into their career/salary, so they don't show up in workout pants and a college sweatshirt. Whatev! I still get the "I can't believe you have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and you're only 27" (almost 28!).

So I can't imagine how these youngin's must feel. But of course, they probably don't notice, because their mothers raise the babies, and since their mothers are in their 40s/50s they age that much faster, and they probably feel really old with their grandbabies at ballet and tee-ball.

I grew up in a town where we started having girls drop out of school in 8th grade b/c they were preggers, it was a small town, there was nothing to do but sneak into cornfields and drink and get it on. But I can't imagine what it's like to be in school now, where it's cool to be pregnant.

As for the baby weight issue, I feel ya. I rubber banded back after my daughter. I had my son only 3 years later, and I still have 9 or 10 lbs to go, and I breast fed. I was one of those freakish people who breastfeeding made me retain weight. I still can't wear a lot of my pre-Noah clothing!

Goldfish said...

My youngest is 9 months.... I'm 38! Seriously geriatric. And I used to be an OB nurse, and saw those 15-year olds crying for their moms as they were delivering their own babies. (sigh) But, I'll bet their boobs looked better than mine post-pregnancy. Hmmm. Guess it's a trade-off.

Jamie said...

I hope you can figure out how to permantly strap a Jimmy on your boys.....for next thing they know one minutes they are beer bonging it at a fter hours hockey game.....then they are a the National Republican Convention wondering ow his "friend with benefits" relationship ended up like this?

Well at least that's how I am gonna scare the shit out of my son. I am so paranoid, I just had a sex talk with my computer.

Oh an I don't think you sound bitter....you just have a bad tast of left over chicken burrito from Chipotle puke in your mouth. That LIKE TOTALLY differnt.

So LIKE wanna Like compare muffin tops later?

Threeboys1mommy said...

I'm with you Britt, I'm praying that Walnut is ovaries free too.

Dejoni said...

I have girls and that is my greatest fear...that I will have to raise my grandkids.
Both of my girls are going on birth control as soon as they start their period. I'm not gonna be naive about it.

Natalie said...

i know how you feel. i had my kids young. ag, the 4th, was born 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. i hear how young i am all the time. now when i go for my yearly visits i see how young everyone looks and feel so old.

and teens having babies is scary. i guess i will be locking my 15 year old up when we move back.

Keely said...

Really? Teenage pregnancy is the "new" thing? I need to tell a bunch of my friends that they were WAY ahead of their time.

I'm 34 and I just got around to having kids now. Yeah, gotta say...no longer made of rubber. Not even teflon.

Paper mache, maybe.

Sra said...

Those moms of the pregnant teens ought to sit back a little and allow their daughters to make their own immature mistakes. Otherwise they will breed codependency.

Allison said...

Wow. That was REALLY good.

P.S. Will someone please explain to me why it's cute to have the word "Juicy" on the ass of your pants? Personally, I don't want my ass juicy. Unless I'm 92 and can't help it.

Nicole said...

Oh I hear you loud and clear on this one. Try finding out that you 18 yr old half sister is pregnant and here I sit at 27 married for over a year and I wait patiently for a baby!!! Seriously and to listen to them talk about how cute it is to have a baby. I think they should try a job first!

schwartz said...

well people dont understand how hard it is to grow grass until they have a yard of their own.

blueeyedtawni said...

i admit i was a teen mom once at 17 but my mom said you made your bed you lie in it.
so i grew up finsihed highschool,married ,worked and raised my kid. it wasnt easy and there was times i thought WTF? i didnt get to party or anything. but you know what 3 kids later im 33 and i dont know how the teens do it now. other then getting their parents to watch the kids while they party ..
i have a 16 yr old now . granted all my kidlest are boys.. but the subject of sex and girls have come up.lol.. one thing i gotta say.
parenting is never easy.i went to one of his classes for parents day with their kid in highschool. in this class was this teen dad and his girl both 14 with a 1 yr old.. i told them if you can make it then your doing good but its not gonna be easy .
not with the pleasure of seeing friends go out and party .

huggles you
your not old .... that being said i give you lots of virtual cookies..^_^

Swirl Girl said...

not bitter - just swooning over the dose of reality you just swallowed.

I applaud your honesty!

You should copy this, enlarge it and tape it to the ceiling of the OB/GYN over the exam tables.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Ah you are so not old. I was 33 with my first one and 35 with the second. But I do wish I had been able to hold onto the body I used to have...I guess a ton of plastic surgery could place it in all the spots it used to be???

DCD said...

I loved the movie Juno, but if my daughter comes home pregnant it is not going to be that pretty.

I didn't have my first until I was 32. Would have been earlier but a miscarriage screwed up that plan. Point is, don't feel old - you are doing great!

I shudder to see those girls. They have no freakin' idea what they are in for.

LiteralDan said...

Ahhh, teen pregnancy. Is there any subject more depressing? Okay, yes, there are plenty, but still.

I cannot imagine going into it purposefully, but then, without idiots, what would the rest of us talk about all the time?

If it makes you feel better, the teen pregnancy rate is supposedly going down, and plenty of them don't get prenatal care, so I bet a lot of the girls you see are actually 25 and just in a protracted adolescence. I've seen 40/50-year-olds wearing "Juicy" pants...

And the Tease observation is 100% gold-- each post of yours makes me want to come back for another more than the last.

ashleighmosley said...

i'm only 18, but thankfully married to a man in the navy and enrolled in [online] college and work for my money.
i wish teenage pregnancy was de-glamorized. it's not fun and it's hard work.
-i would yell at those damn kids too. i hate lawns and the upkeep.

jonniker said...

HA HA HA. I'm 33 and a first-time mom. I'll be on my way to 34 by the time this kid is born. Where I live, though, I appear to be pretty young. Or so I hope. Perhaps I'm delusional?

Annie said...

I had to help a pregnant mom out of her desk once. It was not easy. I'm a former high school teacher.

You may not have ovaries in your casa, but if you have balls....you have just as much to worry about IMO. Without the balls, the ovaries are all good.

LazyCrazyMama said...

OMG, I would totally be a grandma there, as I'm in the 30-something crowd.
Hilarious post and so damn right on the money!

jill jill bo bill said...

The whispers of yesteryear about "Guess who's pregnant?" has turned into celebratory announcing "Guess who's pregnant?!" It breaks me out into a cold sweat everytime I hear it.

Anissa Mayhew said...

I went a function last night and there they were....a whole platter of burritos from Chipotle...and I snorted diet coke out of my nose. No one got why the burritos were so damn funny, but I thought of you. And the soda just came spraying out.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Seriously, no one had better come anywhere near my lawn when I reseed. NO ONE.

I was 35 when my first was born. The woman across the hall was 18. I was old enough to be her mother.

lamb said...

omg. reading your post just made me relive my tuesday.

same.exact.thoughts.same.exact.young.girls.

Rachel said...

omg. omg. omg. omg. omg.
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

At 28 it killed me to be the oldest prego there.

Shit. I just laughed and even peed a bit. Thankyouverymuch.

JenniBeanV said...

Nothing beats being pregnant for Prom, huh? Molly Ringwald was SO ahead of her time...

kel said...

It's official. I hate you. Please, please, don't ever complain about being 27 and pregnant again. If you think it's rough at 27, what the hell do you think is going to happen to me when I finally get knocked up? Likely I'll be in my mid 30's, and as we all know, 30 somethings are not made of rubber. You're not allowed to talk about this anymore, as it may disuade me from having kids. Actually....that may not be a bad thing.

texasholly said...

Bless you. I remember being even older in that waiting room. There are people in my early childhood PTA that I could have given BIRTH to...a whole generation between us. OMG. I think I am going to go take some geritol or something stronger...

Jennifer said...

My cousin's daughter is 15 and having her shower next week. And yes, she'll have her 16th birthday before the baby is due. She ran away from home for two weeks and scared the shit out of all of us. But once she came back and told us the news, she's actually been pretty responsible about it. She's read three books on babies and told me she's saved up $1000 to buy things for him. And she's taking every babysitting job I offer, so I know she's serious! She's the oldest of four, so she actually has some experience with child-rearing. I'm probably bringing you down, sorry! I guess I'm emotional today. But I really hope she turns out to be one of those women who has a successful life in spite of being so young. Not one of those girls who, you know, wind up leaving the kid with grandma while she tramps it up in Vegas. I guess only time will tell. I worry about her though....

THE FRYOR CLAN said...

I will leave a comment on your glorious blog! only because I remember being in highschool and it being a HUGE no no to be pregnant and can remember hte girls that did get pregnant were made fun of. I guess not any more. I can only hope that I raise my daughter to have more morals and that I teach my boys to keep their pants zipped!!!!
thanks for making my day.. again!

THE FRYOR CLAN said...

omg- i remember in highschool when it was whispers and giggles when someone got pregnant. now its GREAT guess whose pregnant lets plan a shower!
I only hope that I teach my kids better and that its NOT ok. may my daughter keep her legs closed and my boys keep their pants zipped lmao.
thanks for making my day...again.

Lippy said...

Well, I was 32 with my first, 35 with the second and will be 38(omg) with the third. I teach high school so I see it first hand. There is a problem when your mom has to write your absence note to say you had to stay home because your kid was sick. But as a high school teacher I do get to go to prom pregnant! I have enjoyed reading about your pregnancy. Yay vomit.

Mekhismom said...

Brittany at 27 I was volunteering and not even concerned about babies - getting married yes, babies no. And despite the fact that I finally got engaged after five years and was supposed to get married at 30 (gasp) I changed my mind. And I waited until 35 to get married.

Dearie you are far from old but I understand the waiting room dilemma. Imagine my "older" at risk AMA azz in the waiting room - with children that could have been having my grandchild (had I been a teen mother myself). I used to work with a 35 y.o. grandmother!

Anyhow maybe one day we will get off of the idea that abstinence only education will keep the kiddies from doing the do and actually provide them with the permission to use the tools that will keep them from being teen parents.

Sorry for the book.

J.Danger said...

I WAS that girl- knocked up and invincible in high school. Thank god that I made it, and grew up, and did a damn good job of it after all. Because now, when I see them in public, I just want to shake them. and yell at them. So terrible

ParentingPink said...

Wow! I'm 36, so thank God I wasn't in that waiting room. I'd be "grandma" age to most of those teeny-boppers!

Emiline said...

Hey. I'm leaving you a comment.

Raging Dad said...

Pregnant teens all the rage. Thank goodness porn hasn't caught up with THAT fad. Eeaghhh.

Bethany said...

it sounds like you had a rough day! And I think my dr. visits my last pregnancy were on the same ones w/ the chicks that took a bus to get there, and let me tell you they didn't smell pretty! I'd hate to go elbow deep in that!

You want me to send you a Hannah Montana t-shirt for your next visit?