Wednesday, September 24, 2008

It's alive!

I woke up today and realized I can't remember the last time I brushed my kid's teeth.

Or shaved under my arms.

Or, for that matter, left the house.

But, my hair looks fierce, in that tousled Vicky Secret kind of way, and my boobs are way hot.

I totally need to vacuum though. And maybe run the dishwasher some.

I have absolutely no idea what the UPS guy was alluding to when he asked if someone died in my house.

Don't people understand fall tv is back, Jack?

Dirty, Sexy Money, the Office, Greys Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Gossip Girl, Project Runway, Family Guy, SNL.

I mean, yeah it's 4pm. And yeah, I don't even have pants on, but America's Next Top Model is on tonight, so I am a little busy mentally preparing for that right now, so back off my shit.

In more productive news, I signed the boys up for 8 weeks of swimming lessons today. And though I dread tankini-ing it up for the next 8 Saturdays, I am even more so dreading the effort required to shave above my knees...and, ya know, the other place. Gotta be honest, I have let things go to pot these past few weeks, so I may have a bit of a task ahead of me.

I would totally just outsource the job, but ever since my last birth, tearing and stitch up job, I feel a bit like Frankenstein Vagina, all hacked up and scary. Hubby says it's all still golden down there, but I know better...plus it always gets all tingly during lightning storms.

56 comments:

AJ said...

I hate swim suits, and shaving. If I had enough money, I'd get laser hair removal everywhere...but, it's really expensive so it's one body part at a time.

kel said...

Thanks for the visuals, as always! Oh, and if you know of a way for me to get in touch w/ Oprah, please, please let me know. I have a feeling you'll get there before I ever will.

Marie said...

Ugh, cleaning up oneself is such a hassle. I usually like the end product, but doing all that work...too exhausting.

Tuesday Girl said...

I am excited to ANTM tonight too, sad but true.
With my last pregnancy when I could no longer see the goods, I jsut assumed everything was fine, ignored it and got a waxing at 38 weeks.

I suggest you do the same.

Momisodes said...

It's 4pm here.

I'm still bra-less and in my pajamas.

*cheers* to fall TV :)

Emily said...

Shaving is the devil. I never liked it under regular circumstances, but now that I can't see my hoo-ha, it's even worse. I tried to outsource the shaving to B, but he refuses. Jerk.

Emiline said...

WHA HA HA HA!!!

And yay! I'm so excited for Fall tv. I can't wait for Thursday. I'm going to have to start watching 30 Rock, I think.

Aubrey said...

**cough cough choke cough**

It just got better the further I read. You had me at "I woke up today".

As I was brushing the plaque layers off my toddler's teeth today, I was wondering the same thing. Except I can't use pg as my excuse! Damn it!

Also, I am SO glad I am not the only one that likes to hang out in my undies until 4'ish. You did have undies on, right??

Threeboys1mommy said...

-They're going to lose those teeth anyway.

-I'm really counting on fall t.v to curve my blogging enthusiasm.

-Lucky! I wish my insurance covered tingly episiotomies.

Annie said...

Good luck with the weed wacking!

Fiesty Charlie said...

Good God you crack me up!

At least you have a valid excuse for letting it all go to hell... What's mine?

Carolyn...Online said...

I say outsource the swim lessons. Make some minor lifeguard get in the pool with the kids while you lounge in a chair and read Us Weekly.

schwartz said...

That is exactly why I hate showering...all of the work involved with being a hairless female that goes into it. Such bull!
And we have not had a GG session in awhile, its time!!!

Mekhismom said...

Brittany you have managed to make me laugh out loud again - getting all tingling down there - is a winning line. I say outsource the job- I am sure they have seen worse. Seriously!

The Mom said...

OMG my gf's and I were talking about the bikini "business" on our trip...calling my style of brazilian the "pedophilian"...oh yeah good times!

Fall tv rocks...we've been hooked on Fringe and Heroes...too! Ooh Survivor starts and Desparate Housewives! YAh!

oh and *click* ;) Prego baby!! The sauce and you!

Elisa said...

I am feeling superior because I had a pedi appointment so I actually showered and got all dressed and made up and straightened my hair and all. But the truth is, when I don't have a doc's appointment or something I usually shower at night, before bed, and have my pajamas on all day, then put it back on after the shower. So I am just as gross as you, really ;-)

Michelle said...

Thank god mine is still pretty and not all Frankensteined up. BTW I laughed my ass off at this post. At least we don't have to go to the dentist (sorry Lori)

amelia bedelia said...

may sound weird, but I'm jealous that you stay home and get to be in your pajamas all day and don't have to shave your legs!!! oh, hell, what am i talking about, I don't shave my legs for days and go to work. I just wear pants.

Debbie said...

Tingly during electrical storms. Now that is funny. Not exactly an image I want burned into my mind, but funny none the less.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I'll trade you your hair and boobs for my vajayjay and freshly shaved armpits and legs. Deal?

Stacey said...

Ha! Love it! Yep, I just showered for the first time since Monday night....so I am feeling ya there. My hair is screaming to actually be let out of a pony tail. Gotta love motherhood : )
But I am stoked my girl parts are still in tact (the blessing of a c-section!)

Little House on Green said...

I wish I was knocked up and home in my underwear at 4:00 preparing for ANTM. I thought that once we were married off we didn't have to tend the garden anymore?

ali said...

Now if "it" got all tingly BEFORE a lightning/thunderstorm, you might make the local news for being able to predict the weather!

Allison said...

So what you are telling me is that I may no longer be able to get a Brazilian after birth?

P.S. Holla-fuckin'luya (that's spelled right, btw) Fall TV.

Allison said...

So what you are telling me is that I may no longer be able to get a Brazilian after birth?

P.S. Holla-fuckin'luya (that's spelled right, btw) Fall TV.

Jennifer said...

FINALLY w/the fall tv season, right? I'm watching PR in my pajamas right now!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So does that mean during THAT time of the month you feel like Dracula Vagina? (ewwww, did I just write that out loud?) Not while pregnant of course, no Drac for 9 months - woo hoo!

jenboglass said...

Wha? Why have I never been here before? I'm in love! I am often pantsless. I'm glad I found you. Good luck with the shaving. You might have to invest in an economy pack of razors to get the job done.

LiteralDan said...

If you truly let it go to pot down there, I don't think it's sweating* a thing. Just follow its lead.

If your kids were nearby huffing and puffing when the UPS man got there, I think I may know what he was talking about.


* Note that I said "sweating"-- it is likely do still be doing a few other similar things.

jill jill bo bill said...

How do you hide the big bolts and nuts under the tankini? ("fronkensteen" from Young Frankenstein) Thanks for the birthday wishes and I wished for you a girl when blew my husb-candles out. It's a girl.

Swirl Girl said...

I vote for outsourcing not only the swim lessons, but the birthing part too.

oh - too late for that.

HappyHourSue said...

You are hilarious. How can I get me some of that tingling?

Average Girl In Average World said...

hahahahhahahhahahahahaha....


Franken vagina. Never saw it coming..

Foodycat said...

I've got an old-fashioned nanna swimsuit with a little skirt which does away with the need for waxing.

Jo-Jo said...

Too bad you don't live here! I could teach your boys to swim! Unless you sign up for my parent/child class the parent doesn't even get in! Plus you would feel totally hot standing next to me!

Bethany said...

I hear ya on the shaving deal. Why can't hairy be sexxxay, huh?

Glad your feeling better though these days!

Melissa said...

you're not alone with the Frankenstein vagina...I feel your pain. The OBGYN said, "I'll try to stitch it up to be just like it was before...", "try" being the key word.

Anissa Mayhew said...

You mean shower EVER day? You overachiever! My whole week has been on hold with DWTS, House and Heroes coming back on...I'd better finish this comment because Grey's Anatomy could come on and then I......

Brittany said...

AJ...It is super expensive...and I am afraid it will hurt.

Kel...Let's just promise, the first one to get to her, put in a good word for the other:)

Marie...I know,and it gives me a neck cramp.

Tuesday...I know, I know...I just need to find a huge ugly woman to do it so I feel better about myself.

Sandy...YAY! This is the best time of year, I just took mine off too, as it was pinching me while I laid on the couch watching DVR'd Gossip Girl.

Emily...Uh oh...dare to try a waxing again?

Emiline...You must watch it, Alec Baldwin is a comedic genius!

Aubrey...Yes...I think...unless I am in sweats, then no.

Threeboys...that's what I figure, why brush the little bastards.

Annie...HA! Thanks, I may need some bandaids.

Charlie...I am on borrowed time, only 7 more months of excuses.

Carolyn...Sounds good, but the lady on the phone sounded oldd......I may be rescuing her.

Schwartz...True dat. Sushi and GG must be on the books soon!

Mekhismom...That is what I am told, but I am still scared they will scream when I pull my underwear off.

Jen...BWHAHAHA! I am equally clicked by your damn magic eraser!

Elisa...I clean up for when I need to go places too...most of the time...I think I may become home bound.

Michelle...Enough with your hot vagina!

Amelia...Well I do blog for a living, so that is kinda work, and hearing how hairy I am while doing it just ups my readership:)

Debbie...Maybe think of Igor throwing the big switch!

KD...DEAL!

Stacey...Ugh, get your pretty scarless vagina off my blog.

Little House...Well, when you get pg, people tend to have to check it out on a monthly basis...soooo...you are back to rigorous upkeep to save face.

Ali...This is true, but I was beat out by the guy whose balls swelled before Hurricane Ike hit.

Allison...No, you can, just not by some skinny teenage girl who thinks anyone over 98 pounds is fat.

Jennifer...I KNOW! I have been dying with all this game show crap all summer.

Nanny...Oh. My. God. Best comment ever.

Jenblogass...I don't know but stick around! Maybe I will use an electric one...just to keep things fun.

Dan...Did you seriously just asterisk your comment?!?!?!?! God I adore you.

Jill...OMG did you just girl curse me?

Swirl...Maybe they can just knock me completely out, and it will be like it never happened.

Sue...Bring your dead vagina back to life.

Average Girl...It's as scary as it sounds.

Foody...I should, I am just afraid to take the plunge...

JoJo...I wouldn't have to get in!?!?! How far are you from me:)

Bethany...I am sure it was hot as hell in the old days!

Melissa...HAHAHA! It is never the same. Mine frowns at me now.

American in Norway said...

One word for you girl... N A I R... Take everything off in 5 min or less...

OH...& I don't get Fall TV.. what the hell is 30 rock? feel like I am missing out!

Lori said...

Holy shit that last line is hilarious!!!

Aria said...

My Frankenstein is a bit higher--I had two c-sections; aside from that, I am right there with you sistah--hairy armpits, son's teeth and all... And I'm not pregnant, my son is 18 mos old... I'm just trying to do as well with my blog as you do with yours... Set up is a bitch, then there's the fall lineup... how can anyone expect us to get anything done with these massive issues hanging over us-- Like what's gonna happen when Derrick breaks up with Rose? We're supposed to concentrate on shaving with that happening tonite?

DCD said...

OMG - you just made me laugh so hard!!

HOW do you have time for all that fall TV? I still have to catch up on last night's Project Runway. That and Top Chef seems to be all I can manage.

There is some crazy "skin/plastic surgeon" place that advertises on the radio where I live and they keep touting their "Vaginal Rejuvenation" procedure. I kid you not. On the radio! People saying vaginal all over the place. Want me to send you the numbah?

JenniBeanV said...

Fall TV rocks. So many shows...so many kids bothering me while I try to watch them...

ParentingPink said...

OH, thank God for Fall TV! I think you just named all of my favs.

As far as the whole shaving thing - I fear outsourcing too. I'd rather take my chances with a cold razer and some of hubby's gross smelling shaving cream.

How to Party with an Infant said...

you better clean things up or your vagina's gonna write you a mean-ass letter.

OMG so psyched for fall t.v. I wish I could be a professional tv watcher.

LdybugSammi said...

I can relate to this. My husband is deployed for a year, therfore I figured I'd save money on razors.

Jay @ Halftime Lessons said...

I take solace and comfort in the cyclic nature of life.

At some point, the frieze carpet that adorns your legs will once again be considered smokin hot by men and women alike.

If the social disaster that was the fashion sense of the 70s can make a resurgence, I have all the faith in the world in the Frankenstonian Vagina.

I'll lead the charge..."All Hail the Shag!!"

Momo Fali said...

Thank God for my DVR. I would miss every new show if it wasn't for that!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Hey you're making a baby so everything else is allowed to go to the wayside right now ;)
I almost peed my pants about the Frankenstein comment--where do you get this stuff?!

Doreen Payne said...

this sounds so much like me! what a great post!

JT said...

I'm a lurker and very rare (RARE) commenter on your blog. But every so often, I have to come out of my lurker status to tell someone I absolutely F**king love your blog. You bring hilarity up to a whole new level, and I love reading it.
You also remind me of one of the reasons, I was willing to give up a large portion of my inner female organs. I hated being pregnant, because I was never one of those flirty, glowy, in my prime, preggers people. I was one of those uncomfortable, hated life, threw up constantly, foot up my stomach, people. Of course, I don't regret my 3 little gems (I'm so going to strangle the 13 yr old before the year is out.), but you make it sound, well, not fun, but finding the finer points it what our lovely bodies put us through for the sake of our children. Thanks for having such an awesome blog!

Petra said...

Ugh, the swim class swimsuit dilemma! I have had the same reaction every time it was time for them to sign up again. "Do I really want to have to shave every week again?" But alas, I do it. I do it for them. They better damn well appreciate it!

MamaNeena said...

It can't be too bad down there...you got knocked up, after all!

Raging Dad said...

I thought it was totally acceptable for pregnant mommies to have sprouts from the suit. Everyone will be focused on the boobs anyway, right?!

Beadiful Things said...

bahaha! frickin' hilarious.