Monday, October 6, 2008

Hot pants.

Ya know what, Target guy, I know I look like a crazy person pushing a cart of screaming boys, wearing a black turtleneck sweater, red booty shorts with "HO HO HO" on the butt, and black boots with knee high Hello Kitty socks, but listen to me, look into my eyes, if you don't go in the back and tell me if you have toddler size 8 Lightning McQueen crocs to replace the ones the pug ate this morning, I will rip your beating heart from your chest rightfuckingnow go, go, GO!

And, not that it is any business of yours, Target guy, but I had jeans on when I left the house this morning, I don't make a habit of dressing like a hooker on Christmas. But, my husband drove, and of course we had to listen to Click and Clack on NPR because we belong in a nursing home, and they were making fart noises, and I snorted a little too heartily, and I peed my pants. And, not the petty small amount that you can totally hide by walking with your thighs close together, the other kind. And, while we should've just turned around, we came to damn far, gas is too damn expensive, and SweetbabyJesus the fucking world will end if we don't replace those rubber demi gods right this fucking second, the kid cannot function without those shoes, everyone will die, we will all die.

And of course, my husband couldn't just run in and grab them, because Target is a scary place, a twisted maze of witchcraft and mirrors, meant to trick the mortal man into diverting from his chosen path of the shoe department, next to the bra section, all the way to the TV and video game area, while the kids and I waste away in the car...or rather me waste away with chapped, hot urine covered legs while the kids watch Shrek in the backseat, totally oblivious to my pending demise, just as long as I brought the Nemo fruit snacks.

No. I had to rummage in my closet of a car and come up with the only piece of clothing I could find, one of my husband's ill advised gifts from Christmas' Past, trashy red and green pajama shorts. Good thing I cleaned up the girly area the other day, as I am pretty sure you could see my tonsils in these shorts...bad call not shaving above the knee the past few weeks though, bad call. So, I changed into them in the Target parking lot, third parking space in, next to the rusty Buick with the old man in it, his two yippy Maltese, and a back window full of beanie babies. Sure, it would have been nice for my husband to pull to the back of the parking lot while I wriggled out of my wet jeans into something dry, but hello, third spot in...on a Sunday...nope, I had to suck it up for the good of my husband's inability to walk more than a 20 foot radius into any store...unless it's Best Buy...because he's a martyr like that.

So, that brings me to now, Target guy, you and me, mano a mano. You, a geeky teenager with neck acne, me, a trashy pregnant whore in Hello Kitty socks, my husband...shit...who the fuck knows where he is, my guess is the electronics section (cough*douchebag*cough), but we were brought together today for a higher purpose, to restore sanity to my world, so that I can go home and take a bath to wash the pee from my legs, and eat the stew that has been tempting me from my kitchen all morning.

Please, I already looked in the shoe aisle, they do not have the size I need, please stop staring at the racks of shoes willing the size 8 to appear. Why are you so unwilling to go in the back and check? Is there a ghost back there? Please man the fuck up and fucking check or I will go to the flatware section, grap a knife, and gut you like a fish.

You have them? Sweet, thanks so much. You are awesome.

Where's the Halloween candy aisle?

80 comments:

Becky said...

LOL! Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my punk, only to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was such a shock that I literally laughed out loud, to myself. So now I'm a crazy bag lady...

Annie said...

Oh, my , gosh. The visual is too great. It's a damn good thing they had them!

Jo-Jo said...

Oh Lightning McQueen crocs, Nemo fruit snacks and huuby that are unwilling to man up and take care of the situation...I am totally there.

Shelly... said...

That little fuck in Target didn't know what hit him when you showed up did he? :)

Aria said...

Brit, you're priceless! My hubby is also a martyr, (see my post Stereo Junkie) Thank you for being your unadulterated, uncensored self. This is why you are my all time fave to read & the reason I added a blog roll to my blog. Great day to you hon, hope your stew was fantastic!

jill jill bo bill said...

The target guy probably pissed his panties, too.

Aubrey said...

Great visual Brittany, great visual.

I wish I could have seen the look on the zit necked teen Target worker. Heck! I wish I could have seen the face of ANYONE in the store with you at that time. LOL

So glad they had the shoes in his size!

Average Girl In Average World said...

I can see you right now in Target, funny clothes and all. OMFG!!!!

If I was there, I would totally have your back, and kick asshole in the shin bone for giving you flak.

Go Britt, Get em' girl!!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

I thought I was the last person on earth listening to NPR. I heart David Sedaris.

The Mom said...

OMG that is so funny! I would have pinched one of his pimples before I left and yelled "don't stare at my ass" as you walked away!

ali said...

I like listening to NPR's animal/vet show on Sunday mornings as I drive 50 mph (to save gas) to church. I need to be in a nursing home too!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Doood. Want me to kick you husbands ass and the Target kids ass? I totally will...after I change my pants that I peed in from laughing so hard reading your post.

kel said...

You are the best birth/husband control a girl could ever need.

AJ said...

Our 'must have footwear' are Lightning McQueen tennis shoes. The little turd must wear them at all times, including when going to bed. Did I mention he sleeps with us? Nothing like a tennis shoe in the side at 4 am to jumpstart your day:)

LiteralDan said...

I am pretty sure that you're the only person who could turn a story of wetting her pants into a tale of such awesomeness that everyone would be high-fiving you.

You are a hurricane, barreling past mere mortals in this life.

Or, at least you are as narrated on your blog. Which I'm willing to believe is even truer than true, tonsils and all.

Mommie Mayhem said...

LOL sounds like my 2 yr old with his Batman Crocs .. We had to search 2 different Walmarts till we found another pair !!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Hahahahaahhahah. That was so funny. I think I wet myself...nope just spilt water.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

:::speechless:::
:::rocking:::
:::peeing:::

Allison said...

So, I sent Laef to Target for dish soap last night. He did OK, but fell into the Target trap by buying at least four other things.

P.S. Those shorts were in the car to take to Goodwill, right?

Jozette said...

you. are. amazing. you really are. that target dude had it coming to him. really. how could he not know that you don't f*ck with a pregnant woman in hot pants and hello kitty socks. please do better target guy. please.

Rachel said...

I am totally with LiteralDan on this one.

Most people would be mortified, you make it an enviable experience.

I am just rolling over here ;-)

Politi Gal said...

*Click* Another great snapshot! Just curious, were your legs shaved?
And what is up with guys and Best Buys(Feels a little like rhyme time, right?)? The guy I'm seeing treats the Best Buy insert like porn...taking it with him to when he needs to spend some quality post-meal alone time atop his porcelain throne.

Stephanie said...

You cracked me up and made my day!

J.Danger said...

It is just not fair that you got all the funny in the world, while others (mostly me) get none.

lamb said...

its hard to make me laugh at things that aren't funny, but Click and Clack always do.

how do they do that? its like their old man laughter is contagious.

Jenni Jiggety said...

LOL! I hope by now you are clean and eating stew, girl.

Brooke said...

Oh God were your legs all itchy and sticky the whole way home, or did you get a chance to stop into the Target restroom to take a quick whore's bath?

Raging Dad said...

Deadly funny! This would make a great scene in a movie. Great detail with the neck acne on Target boy.

Carolyn...Online said...

I just... you're too funny.

MamaNeena said...

Are you even remotely proud that your blog is making me pee a little as I laugh out loud??

How to Party with an Infant said...

again and again! You always amuse me.

Brittany said...

Becky...Um yeah, I avoid the frozen food aisle so I don't have to look at myself any more.

Annie...For their own safety, I am glad they had them in.

JoJo...Yeah, life's necessities.

Shelly...Um no. he thought his day would consist solely of daydreaming about the half nude fairies on WoW...and then I arrived.

Aria...AWWW! Now I need to pull out my I LUV ARIA t shirt for the rest of the night, you rock!

Jill...$10 his name was written on the waste band.

Aubrey...Um yeah, I was getting my fair share of the stink eye.

Average Girl...Ok, you totally rhymed! Next time I find myself in target with out normal clothes on, I will call you!

Threeboys...HELL NO! i love NPR, and David Sedaris is my soul mate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jen...I would have, if only I didn't have this huge fear of pimple juice touching my flesh!

Ali...Do you eat dinner at 4:30pm, too!?

KD...I would go after them with your pee pants on, waaaay more bad ass!

Kel...I do my part for this great nation, *wink*.

AJ...Bah, it is totally infringing on my rule of no cartoon character clothing or shoes. Can you tell i am the fun mom?

Dan...I have no words, you leave me blushing and delighted by your words. And, to know me in real life is to know I have the same eloquent mouth as I do on my blog...only with more "y'alls"

Mommie Mayhem...They are like the Holy Grail!

Judy...See, this is why you need another baby, so you have diapers on hand for such occasions:)

Jay...HAHAHAHA! What a sight you must be!

Allison...Um yes, totally intended to give them to the poor...but now I have to wash them again...er...yeah...so not keeping them.

Jozette...I know, the Hello Kitty socks should have been a red flag of my ninja like abilities!

Rachel...You are awesome, thank you so much. Next time I soil myself, which could be any day now, I hope to have you with me for the ride:)

Politigal...Ahhh...I love you having you back around! I missed your insane wit!

Stephanie...Well thanks, and I am glad!

Danger...Awww, I am SURE you have funny, everyone has funny!

Lamb...I know! And Bob and Tom...get me every time!

Jenni...Yup, I am definitely clean....ish.

Brooke...I have never laughed so hard as when I read the words "whore's bath." Seriously, that was priceless.

Raging dad...Oh fun, I wonder who I could get to play me...Tori Spelling maybe...

Carolyn...Aww thanks, especially coming from you, who is wildly hilarious as well!

Mamaneena...I am extremely proud!!!!!!!!

How to party...Why thank you sweetie!

Momisodes said...

It is a twisted maze of witchcraft and mirrors! The red target sign is really there to hynotise you to buy other crap you didn't come to buy.

April said...

OMG, my blood pressure totally went up at the end anticipating them NOT HAVING THE SHOES!!! i really don't want you to die.

texasholly said...

OK, I was just pleasantly laughing until your husband won't go into Target alone. Thanks. Now I just peed a little in my pants. Great.

Genius girl. Yep, genius.

Ali said...

see...i should be feeling badly for you...for, you know, peeing yourself and having to talk to someone with neck acne (barf!) while sporting some awesome shorts...but really..all i can think about is TARGET.

dear lord, you have target. and we do not have target in canada. and truth be told, i'd probably wear those shorts on purpose if it meant i could go to target whenever i wanted.

just saying :)

Just Kim U said...

=)

I often waffle between the hooker/homeless person look.

And about pee...I laughed so hard that I just peed a little.

:)

Petra said...

I think the exact same thing happened to me except I was wearing sweatpants with a big hole in the crotch and I was at Target looking for an Elmo DVD that my daughter had lost behind the entertainment center.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Somewhere this month there is a rofl award harboring in this blog....it's just about picking which one of these beauties it will be. Because you? Made of the fuckinghysterical

Emiline said...

Did you run into anyone you knew? I would have. There's ALWAYS someone I know at Target.

Keeping an extra pair of shorts in the car is a good tip. You never know when you're going to pee all over yourself.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Wow, that was certainly a trip. So sorry to hear about your pregnancy induced incontinence. While you were there did you invest in some depends? I know, I know but they work wonders and will prevent future scantily clad drips to America's super store.

Tiffiney said...

lol..i laughed so hard through this i almost peed myself...lol..great post..someone off my twitter put this link up..i will be back to read more! :)

Not Just Any Jen said...

Teenagers with acne just don't get the urgency of McQueen crocs. You handle it well.
Jen

Christy said...

You are hands down, the FUNNIEST blogger on the planet!

Lizzie Bennett said...

You know, I was scared to have children before but now there's all this talk of Frankenstein vaginas and peeing yourself in the car and I think I might save my money and stick to long random sex-filled vacations and fancy cars :).

Jennifer said...

My husband NEVER would have come out of Target w/ those shoes! You had to go in--I would have donned the hooker shorts to get the mission done too!

Casey said...

Best. Post. Ever. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO MUCH!


And p.s.

Maverick.

LazyCrazyMama said...
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LazyCrazyMama said...
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Charity said...

So, in case you didn't totally already know this, you are seriously talented! So funny!

We are onto the Shreck "crocs" now and I keep backup pairs in the car just in case.

Shannon said...

OK, so wait....there isn't a picture of this dazzling outfit?? Haha, there should have been! You know, so you can laugh about it later =)

No?

Jennifer said...

OMG, ROFL!!!

Darcie said...

Oh good god! That was great, thank you. One of my first genuine laughs all day!

Tam Tam said...

Frickin' hilarious! Serioulsy warm, sticky pee is the worst!

Heather said...

My god, woman, you get a lot of comments. These bitches send you money?

I'm thinking of going off the Pill. I might just keep thinking.

Kmommy said...

This is the most hilarious post I've ever read!
My son is *totally* into Lightning McQueen *and* Nemo Fruit snacks!

Bethany said...

Why is there no photo visual of this one?

Ben Hameen said...

What, no picture?

Jim Gerl said...

Hi,

I just voted for your excellent blog for the Bloggers Choice Awards.

Could you please return the favor at:
http://bloggerschoiceawards.
com/blogs/show/21620

Thanks,

SpEdLaw2
http://specialeducationlawblog.blogspot.com

Tenakim said...

That was funny- I kind of wish he didn't have them for the story of the shake down!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

That is the funniest thing I have read today---we totally need a pic :)

Dejoni said...

Have you not bought Depends yet???
I got $50 on you that you can whoop the Target boy.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You are a comedic goddess and I bow to your alter of all that is hilarious.

Natalie said...

i am totally laughing at you. or with you if you are laughing. and if you aren't there are lots of us who are so you might as well get used to it! so funny you are!

Ashleigh said...

My husband refuses to go out alone to any such store. Apparently all men have been scarred by something in superstores.
He also plays WoW, which for the life of me I cannot understand how any such person can spend 10 hours in front of a computer screen watching little guys combat and whatever else they do.
I'm glad they had the crocs in, I would have hated to see the meltdown that would have happened if they didn't exist.
Why the Hello Kitty socks btw?

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OK I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard!

honkeie2 said...

I love Target and have many post about it! I went there today to return a trainning potty seat that didnot have a tiny-penis-splash guard. I soo went in to return it and get the right one but ended up wandering around and only coming out with a bag of beef jerky and a larg can of sugar free red bull. I blame it on the soccer moms in hooker attire.

Chris H said...

I am so glad I don't have to shop in that Target... cos I would have wanted to fillet the git too! Very funny.

Cheryl said...

You are goddamnfunny! I shall stalk you now.

Chelle said...

Oh.my.God.

I think I just peed my pants while reading this!!

I am now addicted to your blog...and only because you wore shorts that said ho ho ho on the butt...ha!

beth - total mom haircut said...

How do you have shorts like that in your car? Is like when we put the kids' really bad clothes in there in case of an 'accident'? The clothes that we hope we'll never need but we should have something just in case but we aren't willing to take anything of real value out of the dresser drawer? Maybe I should start doing this for myself as well...

Great post:)

Elaine A. said...

The description of the old man in the parking lot totally cracked me up. I think you were at "my" Target...pretty sure I've seen him there before. ; )

Mojo said...

I nearly peed myself reading this!... Thanks so much.

Stacie said...

ha, this was great, thanks!

DCD said...

You girl, are an inspiration to us all! Your true commitment to the sanity of your world is commendable.

Crazy and hilarious - but commendable!

Tena said...

OMG!! I think I will remember this story every trip I make to Target here on out!! Desperate times call for desperate measures! If they didn't have the shoes, I would have left the kid with them to deal with, and told them I would come back for him once they got the shoes, went and got my candy and head home to eat my stew!
Ü

THE FRYOR CLAN said...

Ok- so totally see where you are coming from as we have a pair of those CARS crocs. and my 3 yr old has worn them faithfully, religously even every day for 3 months {to bed even!} and when the back strap broke it was HEARTBREAKING for him and literally for everyone in the house utnill I found them. I went to walmart EVERY day for a week until we found a pair in his size! not kidding! glad you foudn them! I totally am buying a pair for next year too!

Rachel said...

Good Grief, this was ridiculously funny (for me . . . I know it sucked for you. Sorry about that, by the way.).

Your husband OWES you for that experience; he DEFINITELY should have been the one to go after the shoes.

texasholly said...

You know I love this post. OMG. Seriously, I think of you every time I attend the church of Target.

Thanks for linking!

Anonymous said...

i found your page really late at night, killing time. it took me 20 min to finish this one blog and i woke my husband up because i was laughing so loud. you know that one you try to keep in but you cant so it sounds like your choking. I LOVED IT