Thursday, October 2, 2008

Woozy.

Hello.

What's with the shaking and convulsing, you ask?

Oh you know, just the after effects of my morning starvation diet in preparation for my 1 hour of fuckinghell glucose test.

Not familiar?

Oh, it's what us pregnant types do to make sure we don't get gestational diabetes, so that I may guiltlessly continue on with my diet of pixie sticks and sweet tarts.

So yeah, here I am, just chugged down a bottle of overly sugary orange soda stuff, waiting while it casually destroys my insides, leaving me completely disoriented, paranoid, with sweaty eyebrows and dry mouth...kinda like devouring a bag of shrooms (um, I would guess), only I can't chase it with a whole pizza and a two liter of Mr. Pibb....at least not until my hour is up.

So...I'll just sit here, in a totally uncomfortable upright position, next to a guy who smells like vinegar and baby powder, wishing I could just curl up in the fetal position, except that I remember I am a dumb ass and wore my low cut jeans, so I can't curl up into anything without my whole ass crack hanging out, so I'll just sit here in my chair against the wall, so no one can see my butt is totally out of my jeans, and resting on the dirty, dirty lab chair, probably totally exposed to a bajillion invasive diseases, all seeping into my body via my butt crack.

Seriously...vinegar baby powder guy is a total weirdo...and an armrest hog....and a change jiggler. Does't he know only creepy sex predators jiggle change in their pockets and lick their lips 10 million times!?

Great, I should totally be focusing on the all out ring worm and tuberculosis assault on my bare ass, but I can't because I have to worry about stinky creep face next to me.


Ugh, I am getting so sleepy...I hope someone wakes me up before he tries to stick his hands down my pants.

Oh yum, do I smell donuts?

UPDATE: Home at last. Butt scrubbed. Two mango smoothies and a burrito later, equilibrium achieved!

53 comments:

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Oh I so remember that! Sans the vinegar-baby powder guy and the low cut jeans (hence infectious disease risks). Even without all that an hour feeling like that is about a week!!!

Average Girl In Average World said...

hahahahhahahhaa....


Great one!!! Thanks for the visual!

jill jill bo bill said...

I am impresed you didn't ask what he was in for. Ya know, like prison banter.

But I can bet you wouldn't want to know. Keep your cheeks squeezed tightly then wash with alcohol when you get home.

PS: Just incas I haven't told you, I think it's a girl...

Threeboys1mommy said...

Please tell me you have a tramp stamp!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Uggg...I hate the glucose test! That is the worst! Hang in there and tell creepy vinegar/babypowder/change gut to keep his lip-licking to himself m'kay?

ali said...

Somebody quick! Get Brittany some Mom Jeans so she can curl up in a fetal position!

Marie said...

Carry fabreeze with you and if you come across another vinegar-baby powder smelling guy, just spray him with it. He'll either 1. smell better or 2. get up and leave. It's a win/win situation.

Mekhismom said...

Brittany that photo is hilarious. And do you really think jinglejangle is going to put his hands down your pants? LOL I know all about the butt crack isn't it difficult finding jeans that fit correctly while pregnant? Hell it is difficult even when not pregnant!

LiteralDan said...

I have a feeling he knows all too well that only creepy sex predators jiggle change in their pockets and lick their lips 10 million times... but rest assured, I bet you're not his type.

You have my sympathies on the glucose test-- I tasted that stuff when my wife had to do it. They should use it to help people kick their soda/pop habits.

Swirl Girl said...

if vinegary and powder man is sitting in the OB/GYN's office ....I can imagine what a prize doll he's effing waiting for to come out !

Shannon said...

Ugh, that is the test that I dread. I didn't pass the 1hour test so I had to take the 4 hour test. Then on the second pregnancy, I asked to skip the 1 hour and just do the 4 hour instead so that I only did it 1x. My luck, they gave me false information, so I had to do the 4 hour test TWICE! Sorry to hear you had to do this already...isn't this really early to do? I thought I did mine around 28 weeks. Maybe you won't have to do it later then...

Natalie said...

oooh...vinegar and baby powder guy. yuck!

donuts! yum!

glucose tests...yuck!

butt crack diseases...yuck!

yeah...pretty much a whole lot of yuck.

Raging Dad said...

Imagine the next person who will sit there after you, who is probably going to be thinking, "I am totally sitting where some pregnant chick just sat with low-rider jeans leaving butt cooties all over for me to sit in..." See, it's not so bad!

Aria said...

Yeah, I got the oh-so-lovely outcome of 'inconclusive' for both of my pregnancies... you know what happens then, dontcha? Oh... that One Hour hell turns into a THREE Hour Hell. Yeah, twice. Joy. Rapture. No surprise that after the second child's second glucose test I decided to have my tubes tied. Have a smoothie for me--oh hell, take two they're small...

Emiline said...

I'm trying to figure out why he smells like vinegar and baby powder. He has a kid...but he also enjoys a pickling hobby.

I hope he's not a sex predator, but you never know. Because change jiggling is a sure-sign.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I am glad you are scrubbed and woozy-free!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

LMFAO
You know, to look at your picture, it's mindboggling that all that is going on underneath...

Aubrey said...

Mmmmm! Dixie Stix and Sweet Tarts. And Donuts. A Burrito. And mushrooms...oh wait! Not THOSE!

April said...

wait, what?! you're THAT far along? didn't you just post that you haven't even told your in-laws yet? i thought you were at the beginning. bah-hahahahaah! good luck with THAT conversation!!!

btw, the glucose test BLOWS. ick.

lamb said...

i kid you not, the SO at my office is HUGE pocket chain jigglier and lip licker.

u nailed that.

Island Travel Girl said...

Oh, the beloved glucose challenge. I am so SO sorry that you had to drink the kool aid, but now you can get back to business. After passing that damn glucose test, I consumed Hamburger Happy Meals and Dunkin Donuts almost exclusively for remainder of my pregnancy. Once I stoppped throwing up and crying about every last damn thing. And my boy came out just fine. I gained 80 pounds, but my boy - he was great.

Fiesty Charlie said...

Glad you are safe at home....

Just shaking my head. Love the picture!

Allison said...

Why do you always look fucking cute?

Secondly, did you have sex moments before this photo was taken? You have rosy cheeks.

Jennifer said...

Oh I hate that sugar syrup so much. I don't think I could have kept it down while breathing in a baby powder/vinegar smell! Ew!

texasholly said...

I am so relieved you are safe...and clean.

I always HATED that test. UGH.

amelia bedelia said...

I had gestational diabetes when I was pregers too. Hated it! sick all the time. I would have to wake up and immediatley have to eat peanut butter and crackers.....yuck, don't miss that feeling. Did I make you feel better? sorry.

Keely said...

Somehow I managed to avoid getting that test. I really didn't see the logic in drinking a buttload of sugar, and then waiting around to see if I went into a diabetic coma. Why not just wait and see if the pixie sticks did the job?

Maggie May said...

i so get sick when i have to do that. turns me into some kind of monster not even my blooding can do (blooding is what my daughter calls it, at six. i think it sounds cool so i say it too. )

AJ said...

The only thing worse than the 1 hour test is the fucking 3 hour test...and I failed both, and then had to prick my fingers all the time...and then still birthed a bohemoth son:(

Melissa said...

I am crossing my fingers for you that your one-hour glucose test comes back normal. Did you know that if it doesn't some doctors (like mine) have you do a 3-hour glucose test where you drink twice as much sugary orange drink? About 30 minutes after drinking it I suddenly felt hot, sweaty, nauseous, and faint for 10 minutes. It was really awesome.

I called my doctor every day until the results came in because all I could think about was how bad I wanted a bowl of Froot Loops.

Tuesday Girl said...

God I hate the lab, and I have spent my fair share of time there.
Funny how I always assume that people whop work at the lab would be good at their jobs. but no! I will always leave with a blood soaked cotton ball and a bruise the size of New York.

Dejoni said...

Oh I hate pocket change jiggler people...but have never met one that smells like vinegar and baby powder. Usually the ones I've met smell like Old Spice and Grecian Formula.

Jo-Jo said...

I was such a bad pregnant person...I have no idea why you would want to do it again. Well, you know besides wanting another kid...I get that...I don't...but I get that you do. Your my hero...I swear I would curl up in the fetal position if I were pregnant again.

Carolyn...Online said...

There are very few problems that a good burrito can't solve.

Brittany said...

So yeah,to clarify some points I was clearly to high to write about yesterday...I was in the lab, not the OB office...that would have been really creepy. And also, it IS early for that test. APPARENTLY, since I FAILED the tests (1 and 3 hour HOLLA!) last time around, they test early to monitor things from the start. FUCKINGLAME! So regardless of whether or not I pass this bad boy, I have to do ANOTHER one hour in the future.

And no, I didn't have sex right before I snapped that picture of pending doom...but I am pretty sure the guy next to me did...or maybe he is just a moaner.

You guys are HILARIOUS! Keep the comments coming, I love hearing your mutual distaste for both glucose tests and sex predators!

Kate said...

hil-freakin-larious....I mean, seriously. Hilarious. And gross. Except for the mango smoothies and the burritos.

kel said...

Constantly licking lips? So, do you think LL Cool J is a molestor? That sure would explain a lot.

kel said...

Constantly licking lips? So, do you think LL Cool J is a molestor? That sure would explain a lot.

HappyHourSue said...

Let's be thankful for the blessings in our lives: #1) you had a laptop. #2) your hair looks super-cute.

Bethany said...

OK, now I'm wondering how someone smells like vinegar and baby powder? That's kinda rank!

I hate those tests.... sucks you have to do it more than once.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

As usual you had me cracking up out loud! TG you are done, and hopefully they won't make you go back and do the 3 hour one!

Politi Gal said...

"Does anyone else find the constant classification of us as Joe Six Pack offensive?"

Absolutely. My name is neither Joe, nor would a Six Pack do me(or get me done..though some have tried :)

B Money said...

Jiggling? Lip licking? Butt crack? Sounds more like a porno. I better go back and re-read more carefully.

I do love how the ad running on the left sidebar not so subtly proclaims PREGO.

Gettysburg Mom said...

One lab offered me a choice between root beer flavored sugar water or orange flavored sugar water. Hmmm... let me think about this for a bit...do I want the nasty tasting choice or the nasty tasting choice?

Not Just Any Jen said...

Can I just say I fucking love you? I do. Seriously.
Jen

beth - total mom haircut said...

Oh Lord the GD test. I was always shaking I was so hungry. Do I remember you can't even drink water after you've had the orange goo?

Creepy guy - not good.

DCD said...

Oh the dreaded glucose test. UGH!

So happy to hear you came away with your butt intact!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Hate those tests!

flickrlovr said...

Glad you survived!
I actually had to take one of those 2 hr glucose tests (that shit IS nasty) to check my sugars, etc. awhile back. It was HELL. Blech.
You look totally different in that picture by the way! Did you snap a shot of yourself with your cell? LOL

Hope the woozies have calmed down...

Hang in there! How far along are you again?

Jo-Jo said...

I am not sure if you are big on the lil bloggy awards we pass around but I left you a lil something, something on my page. Go on over and read my lil ditty on ya!

honkeie2 said...

I had a phyical set on a Monday, blood work and all. but I made the mistake of drinking alllllll weekend. So when the test results came back my liver enzymes were off the chart. I got nervous so i went out drinking again to calm myself and took the test again the following monday. And then everything came back fine.
-did someone say doughnuts!?!-

Mommie Mayhem said...

I hated that test! You always feel so week and yucky from starving yourself! Did you at least have a A.M. appointment ?

Ann Onymous said...

Whee, the gestational diabetes test. I remember that. Those were the days....