Saturday, November 1, 2008

Halloween, the morning after

How do I know it was a good night?

I woke up this morning with what looked like a a piece of poop in my bra, but in reality, was a chunk of Twix bar from the 20 I had devoured over the course of last night.

That's how I measure success these days, by how many random objects I find stuck to my body, and whether or not I can still eat them. Plus it's instant foreplay if I can talk the hubby into licking it off..but it's hard, you know, to convince him it's not crap when I just spent the last 5 minutes squealing in disgust about how on earth a blob of shit got smeared around inside my bra. Dims some of the magic, I'm told.

Either way, it was a good night. I guess. My husband spent his second Halloween at work, missing all the glories of toddler trick or treating once again, but that just freed up the experience for my sister in law to join me, so we could mock the other children in a guilt free environment. Plus, I don't need a lot of skanky 10 year olds shaking their goodies around in front my husband in their sexy nurse with thigh highs and stripper heels costumes, while I refuse to leave the house in anything but yoga pants and house shoes.

But, the boys had fun after they stopped screaming and fighting me in order to get them into their bat costumes. They got lots of candy and saw lots of "Poon-kins" and "Vry, vry scurry tings." Though I am convinced the scariest thing I saw all night was the heavy mom in the group ahead of us squeezed into her wedding gown, featuring a very compromised corset laced back, but hey, everyone has their own tolerance as to what makes them want to scream. For me, it's laced up back fat, for them it's monsters, potato potato (wow, that phrase totally loses it's effectiveness in print).

Moving on, here we have photographic proof fun times occurred:


So, after I did lots of candy inspecting and throwing away of saran wrapped cookies and rice crispy treats (nobody eats this shit people, buy the bags of $40 candy like the rest of us losers), we ate pizza and hot wings, candy and cupcakes, and then they went to bed, and I stayed up watching a super scary rerun of the Duggar Family reality show (why on earth do they have their own show? It's just them going to thrift stores, eating cafeteria style and being compulsively pregnant. I could do the same thing, only waaay funnier, drunker and with shorter hair and pants on.). But really, the whole time I was convinced someone was going to break in and murder me, which is what typically happens on Halloween...in my mind. So, between watching Jim Bob and Jezebel skin a squirrel and churn their own butter, I am checking the security system and calling my husband for a play by play on his exact where abouts in route to our home.

It was stressful.

But, he brought home pie, and after I convinced him I was too busy cleaning to have even eaten dinner that night, we dug into that and I fell asleep while we watched some silly horror movie about teens, and they are all drunk and half naked and there's lots of screaming and blond hair...you know the one.

Needless to say, he couldn't carry me upstairs to bed, weakling, but once I stumbled up there, I slept like a baby.

You know, until the whole feces in my bra thing...but you already know that part.

40 comments:

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Poo Boobs.
That's hot.

Dana (the Homesteading Housewife) said...

LOl I can relate! I rolled over at some point during the night, cuddled up to the Man-of-My-Dreams and felt a strange growth on his back....

Thought to myself.. Oh God! he has some strange cancer growing on his back and I didnt find it and catch it in time because he's working out of town and I haven't been seen his naked skin in weeks! How am I gonna tell the kids their dad is gonna die? Am I gonna be a good enough wife to be able to change his feces-filled diaper without gagging in his last days?

I grabbed my cell phone to let the light illuminate the awful tumor on my beloveds back.

I found a partially melted Hershey's Kiss stuck to his back....
I licked it off then rolled back over and slept the rest of the night.

But yeah.. my bra was clean. lol

DCD said...

Sounds like a great night! (Other then the back-fat, watching the freaky Duggins and the possible poop)

The bat costumes are adorable!

MamaNeena said...

I tend to find cheerios and parts of a banana in my bra. Once I found a dead bee...that was just weird.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Your little bats are ADORABLE! And if you had your own reality show I think it would be a BIG HIT but I suspect it would have to be on Cinemax...

Love the new pic up there!

Bethany said...

Seriously, I would have thought from all your previous posts that it was really going to turn out to be shit in the end! Wouldn't that be funny if you actually had your husband lick it! heehee

Allison said...

I like your new pic!

So...is that why people save their wedding dress? The visual was amazing. Thanks!

The Mom said...

My hubby would have eaten the poop/candy blob without even smelling it...LOL. I'm proud I stuffed my face with a deli sandwich before the night began so I didn't eat a single piece...flash forward to this morning's Peanut Butter Cup breakfast...mmm syrup would be delightful on one!

AJ said...

Cute little bats!

After trick or treating, we too came home and ate pizza, but then we crammed in the over packed car and drove 250 miles to my mom's house. I slept in it and haven't changed my bra, but no poo boobs:)

Threeboys1mommy said...

We followed an over weight purple butterfly, think Heimlich only repulsive, and extra jigglier... shudder.

*edit- I find stuck stuck/and they are all 'dunk' (movie)

Tony said...

Very Nice. I got to watch the Blazer game and wait for 1 yes 1 small clan of poorly dressed monsters to ring my door bell. You had way more fun. Plus Pie.. damn.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I love your new profile picture. It's super hot.

Your play by play of halloween with boobpoop makes my post with pictures seem lame. Love the bat costumes!

Jo-Jo said...

When you have kids, you don't know if it is twix of poop! Love the new pic of you! And I love the bats!

J.Danger said...

back fat- bad. Kids as bats- good.

Oliver kept saying "Tricky treat!" Too cute.

April said...

uhg, back fat. love the new sidebar picture - i'm glad it's the only thing you changed after your, errr, review-ish thing.

my son wore the same bat costume. love it. wish i had put both my boys in matching costumes, but #2 fit in #1's costume from last year, so hubs wouldn't let me buy another one :-/

Brooke said...

Nothing scarier than back fat and muffin tops...

Christy said...

"I woke up this morning with what looked like a a piece of poop in my bra, but in reality, was a chunk of Twix bar..." Ahahahahaha!

I'm laughing b/c the same thing happened to me except it was a Tootsie Roll--no joke.

jill jill bo bill said...

I had a chocolate covered raisin on my elbow for like 3 hours and ate it off. That was really hard, too. It took me forever to get my elbow up to my mouth.

Asianmommy said...

Awww...those are cute little bats!

Jennifer said...

Cute little bats!

Every now and then,there's a renegade Goldfish cracker in my bra...

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

The boys look so sweet--I see you have that matching obsession too ;)

Raging Dad said...

Usually I come for the boob talk, but combining it with scat just kind of killed it for me! ;)

Tenakim said...

I, too, dig the new profile picture, but I swear the different hair color looks like a different person!

The Duggars give me nightmares, too- it ain't right!

flickrlovr said...

I almost peed my pants about the poo in the bra escapade. I'm sure it made you (and him) a wee bit nervous...God, you never cease to amaze Brit :)

lamb said...

LOVE the bat costumes. sadly, im SURE i would have given them some type of rabies comment had they come to my door. then theyd give me a weird look, and id have to grab an extra handful of candy for them. as my sympathy.

Practically Joe said...

This is the second year in a row my wife dealt out the candy while I was at work.
But I was up to my eyeballs in costumed maniacs where I run a brewery restaurant in Salem, MA (Witch City).
"Excuse me sir, do you serve zombies?"
"Sorry, no, but we do serve pizza and burgers."


Clicked over from "AaYSR"
Great stuff here!

Maggie May said...

yum, laced up back fat!

i like watching the Duggars! they are like Valium for me. all innocent and sweet and happy.

Swirl Girl said...

I am sure your post Halloween story was chock full of musing goodness....but I am hopelessly stuck staring at the sexy new profile picture!

Hot!

Not Just Any Jen said...

Those little bats are the cutest!
the Duggar family is pretty scary in my book. Yikes! Glad it was just a Twix-those are my fave and I was sure to pick those nuggets out before ridding my house.
Jen

Lee said...

Right on Barefoot Foodie! I love happening upon a new blog that makes me laugh after randomly surfing through a whole bunch of stuff that makes me...well, other things.

Thanks for the real deal....

Good N Crazy said...

Jeez that's funny. They are....bats?

No idea what show you are talking about?? Which means if you are weird and or/loser for watching it, I'm worse for not having a clue eh?

American in Norway said...

Thanks for the Monday Morning Laugh!

Dejoni said...

Chocoboobs!! I'm gonna have to try that...make a snack for hubby and me for late night.
The boys are adorable and I absolutely LOVE your hair. Looks fab on you.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Love it. What looked like poop in your bra! Har! Har! You are hilarious, I jumped here from some blog or other and have added you to my google reader.

Even if you are a democrat. I'm kidding! Don't yell at me!

:-)

Average Girl In Average World said...

the babies were beautiful!!

I love the new profile pic!!!

Carolyn...Online said...

I've always found the smushed Snickers to resemble feces the most effectively.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

First of all, I love the new header pic--you so cute, even when you can't see your face!

Secondly, I think we watched the same movie on Halloween, and I was totally convinced that someone was scratching on our bedroom window all night. Turns out it was the cat.

Fuckin cat.

Anissa Mayhew said...

I don't think Lifetime would produce your reality show, but Spike Tv? Oh that is your channel, girl! As soon as the election is over, we should rally for your own tv show because I would watch that religiously!

Tiffiney said...

Love the picture..they are so cute...sounds like one heck of a night...and one gross kinda morning...lol....btw..I like your blog the way it is...from reading the post below this one..the review on your blog...you make me laugh..keep it up..love the writing..and I have no problem at all with your blog loading..loads up quick on my computer..and that is saying allot cause my computer sucks...lol... :)

Beadiful Things said...

I don't even want to think about what my back fat would look like in my old wedding dress. But that's why I'm only eating 1500 calories and working out every day. No, not so I can get back into my wedding dress; so I can get rid of my back fat. Marriage, followed by children = back fat (among other fat).

You are a fun read. :-)