Sunday, January 11, 2009

I obviously need some sort of hobby.

It's that time of my pregnancy folks!

Time for the crazies to take over, for my friends to stop taking my calls, for you all to wonder why the fuck you keep coming back here to read anything I write because I am a disgusting, disgusting psycho, and for my husband to wish he had never poked me in any sort of reproductive capacity, whatsoever.

And now, with me on bed rest, and my husband laid off, it makes for a whole lotta sitting on the couch staring at each other. Ok, him more staring, me slapping him across he face with random dramatic questions and ideas, that demand immediate attention and answers, despite how consistently fucking ridiculous they are. A comically disturbing production that often goes a bit like this:

First, my sweet ass idea to stay home and have the baby in our bathtub. It sounds totally cool, though I don't know that I could ever again bath in a place that once held a literal stew of placenta and birthing goo. Plus, it sounds like a lot of work. Not so much the labor part, but the part where I would have to clean all the dried globs of hair off my shower wall and rid the tub of toys, bath crayons and rusty old razor heads.

Then, I move onto my gamut of begging my husband to do the things I can no longer effectively do, like paint my toenails, shave my bikini area, and cut the crust off my cream cheese, tomato and roast beef sandwiches. He refuses to do any of it. Obviously, he is unappreciative of the human sacrifice I am making to populate this planet and carry on his family name.

Onto a quick explanation of how childbirth is not a spectator sport, and no, his mom cannot be in the room. I mean, who the crap wants to watch that gore fest!? I don't even want to be there, between the blood, liquid, uterine liner, and destruction and ripping of once super cute human flesh...heave. And, I don't need a mirror to watch the destruction first hand to make the whole experience any more magical. What happens to my lady envelope during the birthing process is between God, my OB, my hubby, my nurse, and the eleventy billion medical students they cram in my room. Not me, and certainly not my mother in law.

A reminder that the boxes and boxes of Peanut Butter Patties that will very soon be stuffed into our freezer are, in fact, mine. Not his. The Thin Mints are his. Period.

And concluding with the same old argument of the ages...whether or not I pooped on the table during delivery. This fear is always in the back of my head, although I can tell you from experience that it is the last thing on my mind come time to push. I just hate the thought of anything but flowers, rainbows and babies being expelled from my body in the delivery room.

I wonder if my OB wrote it down in my chart...whether or not I am a labor pooper?

My husband swears he didn't noticed if I did.

So, either I'm awesome and totally didn't poop.

I did and he is being wonderfully kind and gentlemanly.

Or, I did, and it was so horrific he can't even acknowledge it happened without throwing up everywhere and never having sex with me again.


58 comments:

The Mom said...

I'm saying you did and he's gentlemanly...you did have sex well 3 times right!

I did not want a mirror anywhere near me from 8 months preg-8 months post-partum!

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

RFLMAO-Been there!

Mr Lady said...

I made my mother in law babysit the 5 1/2 year old because the 7 1/2 year old wanted to watch his sister be born. I assure you, that's the best way to A) keep her out and B) keep him nice to you for the rest of his life.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Poop. ON the table. I thought that they gave enemas to prevent that. What a scary, scary thought. I think that is one of those "don't ask, don't tell" moments.

AJ said...

There are no good pain drugs available if you birth in your bathroom....that's enough to kill it for me!

Do you think that's why they don't let you eat while you're in labor? So you reduce your likelihood of pooping. I think that's the real reason and not the
'in case of emergency surgery/c-section' garbage they give you.

Miss Britt said...

Far worse than pooping on the table is pooping beforehand (in a toilet, mind you), while you're in hard labor, and having to have your mother wipe your ass for you.

In front of your husband.

At that point, you wish you'd have just gone ahead and pooped on the table.

Leah said...

I don't blame you on not wanting a mirror. The nurse grabbed my hand and put it between my legs and said, here you can feel the head". I was like "WTF? I don't want to do that. And then no one spoke to each other unless it was me cursing my husband for sticking it to me.

Sorry your husband is laid off . I hope he gets work soon.

Mama Kat said...

Everyone poops. If you didn't have an enema...and weren't sick before hand and diarrhead everything out like I did...then you definitely pooped.

Average Girl In Average World said...

Give the hubby the electric razor and DEMAND he take care of his woman and her womanly parts.

THEN, make him paint the toes. WHO wants chipped toe polish when they go in labor? I mean really? LOL

Priorities People!!

Aria said...

Lady-envelope mirror during birth... MUST have been a man that thought that one up! First of all, only a man would think it was so cool having a lady-envelope at all, that viewing it while it is spewing out all manner of things better left to Wes Craven...
Secondly, only someone who never had to pass a Thanksgiving turkey out of their lady-envelope would possibly imagine that a woman in labor would give a shit about looking at anything other than someone with massive quantities of morphine.
And lastly, Mom-In-Law better cop a clue if she ever wants to have a face to face conversation with you or hubby again. Little hard to look someone in the eyes that has seen your Vajayjay in that state... Makes Sunday dinners rather awkward.
And keep up talking to hubby about all these things and more... He'll go job hunting just to avoid your preggo-induced-insanity, and will be employed again in no time ~ You're doing him and your family a huge service... keep talking...

Charity said...

Sorry about the work situation but I am very glad to see your humor hasn't suffered.

Ha! Here's an idea for you...I was trying (for the 1st time mind you) a prenatal yoda video and could NOT get past the part rather early in the routine where the instructor says to "imagine that you are squatting over a grassy knoll preparing your body to deliver life."

Yeah I am definitely sticking to the hospital and am hoping to avoid squatting if at all possible (oh and pooping too!)

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Holy crap - you did it. You went there with the whole pooping during pushing thing. This part of giving birth HORRIFIED me and my dude is also so super cool because each and every time he SWORE I did not poop while birthing our three kids. And I have asked him multiple times at random times just to try and catch him off guard. He is so on it that he always responds no. He knows I may kill myself if he said yes.

In the back of my mind, I have a feeling he is lying because each kid required some major pushing. My babies do not want to come out easily...

You rock with this post. And every post really. :-)

kel said...

You should take up sewing. That way, you could make the little honey all sorts of pink clothes. Trust me, it'll take up all of your time. Waaayyyy more time than you want it to.

Anissa Mayhew said...

The look on my husband's face when I peed all over (from head to freaking toe) the OB was priceless...I practically laughed the kid out! He was all "you...and then...it was everywhere...I can't...you're beautiful, babe, good job."

So what if you pooped, just tell your kid that he was a twin, but they didn't make it.

Lamb said...

ive decided im not leaving for the hospital until i poop at home. and i completely realize this may mean my child is born at home.

Emily said...

Haha, you're hilarious.

My comments are super lame lately. Sorry about that. I'm so sick of commenting on blogs. Not yours, of course, but you know what I mean.

MamaNeena said...

I am a labor pooper...and I have to pictures as proof. Horrible, I know.

Duck said...

Just yesterday I was musing whether or not I wanted to carry my own child or adopt.

Now I know which.

Also, pregnancy might hold me back from jumping at those thin mints.

Veronica said...

HA! My FIL wants to be there for my birth! His argument? My SIL let him be there so why shouldn't I?

Uhm, because you're my FIL and slightly creepy/weird at that. Gah!

Tenakim said...

I did NOT poop on the table- my sister is not a good videographer, but somehow ended up with the camera and ALL the glory is grotesquely preserved forever minus poop- THANK GOD!

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Uggg, can I just say that I am glad I can't have any more babies. I mean yea you and all that, but I do not miss the pregnancy and the labor. Yuck.

Natalie said...

so funny! i had c-sections so i know i didn't poop on the table. well i guess i could have with the 2nd since i did get to the whole pushing thing before i ended up having a c-section anyway. i would say continuing to live in denial is the best thing!

Shelley said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks there should not be a mirror anywhere near the delivery room. Do people really want to see that happen to them? No mirrors and no video cameras in my delivery room, thanks. I don't need to relive the experience over a bowl of popcorn for years to come.

Sam_I_am said...

I'm sorry that I can only read your blog for the next year or so. Actually, reading it for the next year will keep me celibate and I won't have that overwhelming fear of being pregnant for my wedding, because I'm not going to let him near me ever again. Once we're married and talking about kids, I will have to stop reading or I won't let him near me. :-) lol jk. I hope everything is going well and hang in there!

Kristy said...

HAHA...good stuff...I totally hear ya!

Practically Joe said...

Sorry ... I'm with your hubby on following your requests.
I mean, really, you want him to ruin a perfectly good cream cheese, tomato and roast beef sandwich?
Cut off the crust, well, I never!

Allison said...

Sweet. Can't wait.

J.Danger said...

Why do the MILS always want to be in there? I just don't get it! What the heck man?

Jay @halftime lessons said...

OMG

Labor Pooper

LMFAO

I am SOOOOOOO stealing that.

I remember our OB describing what he does if the offending matter shows up...

"I just knock it off".

I mean...the visual...

Love your work, sicko.

How to Party with an Infant said...

pooping on the table is the new black.

Swirl Girl said...

I sure as hell tried to poop on the table cuz maybe if I pushed real hard - the frickin' buick would come OUT!!!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Why do I get the feeling that you won't be letting me come in a gawk either?

April said...

sorry about hubs job. i didn't poop on the table (one of the few benefits of an emergency c-section) but i did have a near miss with the nurse a few hours after. she insisted 'no one has to poop right after a c-section'. Heh. If by no one you mean ME, then you'd be right.

Asianmommy said...

Oh--that's my worst fear. I told my husband not to tell me if I did, and he hasn't said anything yet!

Rachel said...

Holy CRAP! I could poop on a table . . .in front of EVERYONE!!!!

Crap, crap, crap, crap. . .

Hmm . . .just realized I probably shouldn't be writing "crap" given the subject of my comment.

CaJoh said...

Sorry to hear about your hubby being out of work. If you are seriously considering birthing in the tub, just be aware that scrubbing it may induce labor.

Gwen said...

I'm convinced I am a table pooper, but the nurse and Hubs refused to tell me if I did or didn't.

Love them. Dearly.

Cheryl said...

LOL all good reasons why I did not have children, the thought of childbirth freaks the hell out of me!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

I shat during labor and didn't realize until the, um, odor. The nurse made sure to come right over and say, "I thought I smelled something. I guess you pooped."

I've never seen my husband so horrified.

Ali said...

I'm a double labor pooper. Yep. Two times. It seems that a celebratory dinner at Olive Garden the day before wasn't a good idea. And enemas were not on the menu.

Dejoni said...

Lady envelope!!!! LMFAO!!!!!

Tony said...

If I could get my monitor clean enough to see what I am typing it might be better. Damn coffee spew. LMFAO. Really? Labor dung? My better half only pushed 3 or 4 times and set hike, the kid was out like the snap of a punt in a football game. Labor poop... you have hit a whole new level .. Nice work. your sooo funny.

LiteralDan said...

I believe poop during labor is just yet another one of God's punishments for original sin.

Sorry ladies, I guess you should have thought of that when you crossed God.

Before you get too uppity about it, though, I'm pretty sure that testicles were held internally before The Incident, and now thanks to God men have to suffer having something so precious hanging out there in the danger zone, just waiting for all manner of abuse and indignity.

So I guess my overall points are:
- Woe is me
- You are all whiners
- Thin Mints beat PB Patties (but you should claim both)
- Leaving a comment here always makes me want Chipotle pretty badly

Lizzie said...

You're pregnant. I'd say that's a pretty big hobby. Focus on that and push a hobby on your hubby. I wish someone would push one on my unemployed ass!! :)

PS. Pooping during pregnancy terrifies me. So does the "ripping." Both of thos things scream "C-SECTION" to me.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I tell ya, I was totally PSYCHED that I neither pooped nor vomited during my labor. That just goes to show you how awesome labor is, when you gauge its success on the amount of bodily fluids you excrete during it.

Jenners said...

It is best just to believe that you didn't poop. You don't really want to know.

You are so freaking funny!

Joy said...

I know for a fact nothing except baby came out with #2 since I only pushed one time and her head was out, not so sure about #1 hubs said he didn't know, I think he was just so freaked out about the whole thing he didn't even want to know.

There is no freaking way I would be able to birth a baby at home in my tub I need drugs, and you can only get those at a hospital.

Oh and NO MIL in there! that is just crazy I do NOT want anyone besides my hubs and the tons of dr and nurses to be seeing all that. I mean how do you look your MIL in the face knowing she has seen your whoha?

Brittany said...

Thanks a lot for shattering my illusions. I was hoping that poop and pee just took a little hiatus while your nether regions focused on the matter of child pressing.


Now I have another valid reason to fear and put off the whole process.

Shelly... said...

Okay, I knew there were many reasons why I chose not to have kids...gah pooing on the table?? I didn't even think of that one!

The economy bites...sorry to hear about hubby. Hang in there!

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Marie said...

So sorry to hear about your husband's job. Stupid economy.

A friend of mine (who was preggers at the time) once mentioned to me about the whole pooping while pushing thing and I've always wondered if does happen.

ChefDruck said...

Lady envelope! I love it. Peanut Butter Patties are up there for me, right along with Samoas.

Momisodes said...

If you had a good nurse, he/she wiped the poop before it became terribly obvious.

My MIL wanted to be in the room, too. I gave everyone in the unit photocopied mug shots of her to make sure it wouldn't happen.

Julie said...

You husband must be a gentleman. I remember asking my husband if I threw up when I was in labor (memories were a little fuzzy for some reason), to which he quickly answered yes and then entertained me with a 30 minute monologue about how I didn't smell so great at that time either. Thanks honey!

Anyway, I'm sure you'll only have rainbows and babies come out...I mean babY, not babieS..yikes!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You're an awesome non-table-pooper, duh.

ciara said...

lmao when i was having my first daughter, my 2nd child, all during the pushing stage i kept asking my ex if i was making a 'mess'. i was sooo worried about it. but i guess i wasn't, though it sure felt like it.

wanna hear something weird? SIL asked if she could be in the room. it was weird, but i kind of didn't have the heart to say no since she has never experienced birth from 'down there' lol she's had all four of her kids via section because she always had problem pregnancies along w a few miscarriages. so yeah, i guess she wanted to watch that gore fest lol

Jennifer said...

Ohmygod, my in-laws are here and I'm not allowed to drink (stupid pregnancy rules!), and I totally needed this hearty chuckle today! GOD BLESS YOU BAREFOOT FOODIE!!!!
Oh, and tell your hubby the thin mints are mine. And he can make me one of those sandwiches, too, while he's at it. Mmmmmm, cream cheeeeeese....

Traci said...

Yeah ... during labor you don't care about anything. I only have 1 kid - but I remember going into the hospital, and while they were getting me situated after having just arrived, the nurse was talking to me, asking questions, and I was having contractions and I just remember her sounding like the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoon... and I'm thinking, Why are you talking to me!!?? I can't TALK right now!!

Your hubby needs to suck it up and start being a better care taker. Seriously.